just like in the old days, i turn to this space to write and figure out what i think about things. i had a rather crappy day today, though it had overall been a great week. it was one of those weeks where a project looks pretty rocky on monday and you wonder if it's going to collapse into chaos, and then it begins to resolve and all the things that were swirling around start to fall into place. and by the end of the week, it's taking shape and it looks even better than you imagined. honestly, i love that.
but in the midst of that, i was struck by one of those moments that hit me hard - a situation where i feel like i'm disrespected or somehow on the outside, that i just don't belong and my contribution isn't appreciated or understood. i am SO triggered by such moments. even though i honestly hate that word triggered...we're all triggered these days and we all need a diagnosis of some sort (insert eye roll emoji).
i have a male colleague (of course it's a he) who is treating me in a condescending, sexist and possibly ageist way. and even though i can clearly see that it's to cover his own mistakes and not admit any fault, i let it ruin my day. and of course, it all took place on email, which is where all the worst corporate bullshit happens. and frankly, it's all bullshit.
and even as i know that, i still couldn't help but be carried away by the emotions that that trigger...well...triggers in me. i stood apart from myself in the moment, even as i fought the tears that welled up in my eyes, and said, "seriously, WTF? why do you let this situation that doesn't mean anything in the scheme of things get to you like this?" and yet it still did. and there wasn't a damn thing i could do about it, even though i could see it for what it was.
and then, when i got home and complained to husband and to my sister and realized how ridiculous and petty and unnecessary it all sounded, i got a message from a good friend. she needs me tomorrow to help her paint her dying sister's casket. and suddenly, it all receded into the proper perspective. it doesn't matter. what matters is holding your loved ones near and being there for the people who matter. and the sexist, thoughtless, own-ass-covering jerks at work can take a hike.