a supposedly fun thing...

...i'll never do again...*

reminder to self:  do not, no matter how great and immediate your need for shelves, lamps and storage boxes may seem, go to ikea on the first day it is open after it was just closed for 3 days for christmas. especially if that day is a saturday. and please remember that waiting 'til almost 4 p.m. to go (when it closes at 5), which you thought was an especially cunning little part of the plan because you were sure that everyone would be gone by then--is a very bad idea. for one, the other people all had the same idea. and for another, those who got there at 1 and 2 and 3 were all still there, wandering aimlessly in a meatball-induced haze, looking for their children.

arriving at 4 makes you very focused, it's true. and focus is very good in ikea, especially when there are approximately eight gazillion other people there. mostly people who apparently decided over christmas to get divorced and now need to totally outfit another home. so very, very cheery people. those who weren't among the newly separated were out airing their ill-behaved children, who they had been cooped up with in their own homes for the past three days. and now those children were all running amok in ikea, screaming things like, "you weren't waiting for me mom, why weren't you waiting for me?" to a mom who was clearly doped up on xanax for the experience (an advantage you sadly did not share).

on top of it, when you arrive one hour before closing, you get the pleasure of the increasingly insistent voice on the overhead speaker reminding you that ikea will be closing 48 minutes from now. then 47. then 46. and will you please come and pick up your children at the child check area? immediately, or we will mark them down to clearance prices.

in short, an experience that can only be made better by a healthy gin & tonic. so on that note, i think i'll go make one before we have to assemble those very important and essential shelves.

* for the title, i credit david foster wallace's very clever book of the same name.