love your people, people

picture to convey more serenity than i feel

just like in the old days, i turn to this space to write and figure out what i think about things. i had a rather crappy day today, though it had overall been a great week. it was one of those weeks where a project looks pretty rocky on monday and you wonder if it's going to collapse into chaos, and then it begins to resolve and all the things that were swirling around start to fall into place. and by the end of the week, it's taking shape and it looks even better than you imagined. honestly, i love that.

but in the midst of that, i was struck by one of those moments that hit me hard - a situation where i feel like i'm disrespected or somehow on the outside, that i just don't belong and my contribution isn't appreciated or understood. i am SO triggered by such moments. even though i honestly hate that word triggered...we're all triggered these days and we all need a diagnosis of some sort (insert eye roll emoji). 

i have a male colleague (of course it's a he) who is treating me in a condescending, sexist and possibly ageist way. and even though i can clearly see that it's to cover his own mistakes and not admit any fault, i let it ruin my day. and of course, it all took place on email, which is where all the worst corporate bullshit happens. and frankly, it's all bullshit.

and even as i know that, i still couldn't help but be carried away by the emotions that that trigger...well...triggers in me. i stood apart from myself in the moment, even as i fought the tears that welled up in my eyes, and said, "seriously, WTF? why do you let this situation that doesn't mean anything in the scheme of things get to you like this?" and yet it still did. and there wasn't a damn thing i could do about it, even though i could see it for what it was.

and then, when i got home and complained to husband and to my sister and realized how ridiculous and petty and unnecessary it all sounded, i got a message from a good friend. she needs me tomorrow to help her paint her dying sister's coffin. and suddenly, it all receded into the proper perspective. it doesn't matter. what matters is holding your loved ones near and being there for the people who matter. and the sexist, thoughtless, own-ass-covering jerks at work can take a hike. 

in need of gratitude

things have been a bit rocky of late...i feel i've once again fallen victim to caring too much. but at the same time, i wouldn't be authentically me if i didn't wholeheartedly drink the kool-aid and give myself over completely. holding back is a rocky road of a different kind, so i don't regret falling in love a little too hard. but perhaps the honeymoon is over and we're settling into a place where it just requires more work, like any relationship that's worth it. 

if this were facebook, that would be vaguebooking.

but so be it.

i have a need to make a little list of things for which i am grateful:

~ colleagues who support me, make me laugh, listen to me, confide in me, laugh at my jokes, include me, ask whether i have a kitten for them (and then proceed to fall head over heels in love with said kitten), eat cake with me, and did i mention make me laugh?

~ my openness and tendency to trust people. it can bite me in the ass sometimes, but overall, i'd much rather be open and trusting than not. even if it means i trust too much and tell too much sometimes. so be it. i wouldn't be myself without that tendency.

~ cats. i know we have a few too many, but every single one of them offers me comfort in their own unique way. and we have a lot of space, so there's room for everyone. and i feed them well and provide them with all the services they expect. and they give me so much in return. the comfort i'm seeking and yes, even laughter, with all of their adorable playfulness.

~ husband. he talks me down from the ledges. he makes me laugh. sometimes from the very first words out of his mouth in the morning. this morning, they were musings on the human foot and what it would be like if we didn't have them. he's not normal, but that's perfect for me. and i'm grateful for him every single day. he never stops planning the next project and striving for something new. he gets me.

~ having a pretty fornuftig teenager in the house. fornuftig means sensible, but somehow has an extra dimension in danish, so i'm mixing the two languages. i can do that after all these years in denmark. and you all should be accustomed to it by now. and that kid, despite all of the many things she wants, is pretty awesome. and that awesomeness was just in her when she arrived. i don't think i had much to do with it at all.

~ awesome projects to work on. i'm learning every day and there is at least one moment every day (even amidst the rocky times), where i am just super happy to have the privilege to do what i do, to meet the people i meet, to work with the projects and people i get to work with.

~ the all-too-fleeting zen feeling, where i know that this too shall pass and it will all be ok, even if it wasn't what i imagined. and whatever happens, it will be a learning experience that contains a lesson meant for me. whether that lesson is to trust or to roll with the punches doesn't much matter, as it is my lesson to learn, either way. life is a matter of practicing. and i need to practice letting go of expectations and being open to what's next. it's gotten me this far. so it will surely take me to the next level. 

~ impending travels to seattle and new york city (for the first time ever) and also connecticut, where i've also never been. it is good to have plane tickets and hotel reservations and all kinds of meetings with a whole bunch of awesome people planned.

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the hipster disney princesses are way better than the real ones.

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john malkovich as...everyone.

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speaking of which...mr. bean makes an appearance in historical paintings.