if only it were true

an old colleague from lego posted this on linkedin the other day. she's no longer there and i don't know why she left or if she was pushed out. this isn't about her story. it's about mine. and the stories of a number of other friends. it's a story that i haven't seen anyone telling. because everyone loves the product lego makes so much, but weirdly no one tells the truth about what an utterly shit place it is to work. 

i scrolled past this post, and i'll admit i had hard time taking it seriously, what with it being written in comic sans and all (despite the resurgence of that font in recent years). i'm quite certain this person is using it without knowledge of that. then i stopped to ponder. i think she's got the right things on this list, but what she doesn't realize (or is trying to ignore, because she's campaigning to get back in or to cash in on her time there), is that they're the wrong way around. everything that lego is actually about, when you are on the ground, inside the hallowed halls, is the stuff on the right, not the bits on the left. and i think if people started to speak up, there would be a lot of folks who agree with me on that. 

to be fair, if i read her caption, she's talking about innovation, not about it being a great place to work. but if you really look at them, those items on the list aren't about innovation, they're about a workplace where you'd like to work. and lego isn't that. except in the imagination. 

i'm still scarred by my year there. i had come to them with experience from companies like microsoft and maersk, but it was like i'd never had a job before and none of that experience counted for anything. the head of the department i was in had started at lego when he was 16. he was then approaching 60 and had been parked in an obscure corner of lego, forever a senior manger and never a vice president. he was known within the afol community, because people there recognized that if they wanted to be sent free lego, they needed to kiss the ring of this sad, awkward man, who had trouble looking anyone in the eye. 

maybe that was where i went wrong. i didn't kiss the ring. i had too much respect for myself and my experience. and maybe he knew that i saw right through him and knew he had been sidelined. maybe he could see that in my eyes and it made him have to face it himself, which wasn't fun for him. and that's why he had to do away with my job after only one year. 

at the same time as he did so, he had to admit that i'd actually done a really good job and he couldn't fault me. he told me that lego wasn't ready to work closely with their adult fans. what a joke that has turned out to be. they're working with them in a major way today. and i was a big part of starting how that would pan out. he can never take that away from me, even though he took my job away. that was ten years ago. 

he retired a couple of years ago, still not a vice president, even though there are many vps in lego. still a little norwegian nobody in an obscure corner of tech house in billund. that obscure corner isn't so obscure anymore now that he's gone. hopefully, he was also pushed out. and i suspect the old colleague that posted this was too. she was one of his minions. and so now, she's left spinning yarns about lego on linkedin...full of ego and strategizing, trying desperately to look an authority in what she thinks is an unironic use of comic sans. 

fear and other baggage

fear is an annoyance, rearing its head when you least desire it, popping up from the depths where you had tucked it away. sometimes you are surprised by what provokes it, other times, it returns like dust on your window ledge, there's a thin covering of it and you didn't even notice its arrival until it's there, keeping you awake at night, grinding your teeth. my fear doesn't have to do with dying, it's about feeling (or being shown) that i don't belong. but this piece about audrey lourde on the ever-brilliant brainpickings spoke to me, even tho' it was about the much more real fear of impending death. as the piece says, not giving in to fear is about "everyday living and making decisions." deciding not to give in to fear, to let it rob you of sleep, your fillings, your happiness and contentment and your genuine enjoyment of your job and life in general. but, in times of uncertainty, that can be hard.

i wrote the above last sunday night and left it unfinished here in my browser tab. in the meantime, i've had a whole week to ponder the question of fear. i also listened to a wonderful podcast on the topic, which, by chance (or not, if you have a fatalist presbyterian inside you), was the nytimes podcast club's pick this week - closer than they appear. it was so thoughtful, deep and self-reflective, that it made me think about fear differently. the host, carvell wallace, examines trump's america and how one can cope with living in it. in the first episode, he asked listeners to think about someone they'd like to talk to, who they haven't been able to for one reason or another - someone who they were estranged from or angry with - and about something you want to say to someone, which you haven't been able to say.

and i began to think about who that would be for me. two people came to mind, and then it became three and then four, none of which i really have the possibility to speak to, unless i really tried. but the need is still there, and i think it's actually really blocking me from truly living to my full potential. in all three four cases, it is the root of the fear i feel today in the face of some of my colleagues losing their jobs and fearing for my own.

the first one is that old norwegian misogynist dinosaur who was a sexist son-of-a-bitch to my face. in this era of #metoo, he has been on my mind a lot. i was so nonplussed at the time, that i just flushed and swallowed hard and couldn't think of a single thing to say against his ridiculous claim that a woman couldn't interview a shipping ceo. and i eventually left that job because of that incident, which i reported to hr and then was "bought out" and left.  i'd like to call him a misogynist dinosaur to his face.

the second one is uncle fester. he was utterly wrong about a situation and he never admitted that he was wrong. of course, he was someone who had no problem standing in front of large groups of people, lying to their faces, so there's that. i have heard that he has had a rather severe case of lyme disease, which makes me believe in karma. he is the least of the four, as i moved on to other jobs which took me in a better, more interesting direction. i would still like to tell him i think he's a weak coward for being unable to admit his mistake. and i probably could write to him, but i'm not sure it's worth it.

number three is an old friend who hasn't been a friend for some years. i'd love to tell him (these are all men, have you noticed?) how hurt i was by his actions, but i'm not sure what good it would do. on the other hand, i had an amazing bodywork session on friday that made me think that i hold this baggage in my body, so perhaps it would be worth getting in touch and trying to clear the air.

the last is that asshat from lego. he said i wasn't commercial. and he negated me as a person, more than any of the others (except, perhaps interestingly enough, that other norwegian twat). perhaps above all, i'd like to give him a piece of my mind. and since he's but 15 minutes away, the possibility lingers.

but then i think about whether it's really worth it. would any of them learn anything or recognize the damage they did? would i be prepared to accept it if they didn't? would my body be able to let go of the baggage i carry? at my age, there's starting to be so much, that i wonder sometimes how i can carry it all.

i'm not done pondering this and i think i'll even listen to the closer than they appear podcast again, to try and work through it (also, it's that good). and i'm definitely going back for more bodywork - that was amazing. and potentially transformative. it would be good to be able to let go of all this fear. undoubtedly a whole new wave of fears would take center stage, but then i could deal with those (i'm looking at you, alzheimer's). above all, it would be good to have something else rule my life/behavior...like awesome energy and good karma.

so much work to do.

triggered

just when you think you're completely healed and over your year in lego, something happens that opens up the baggage and you're right back, smack in the middle of how terrible it felt. it turns out that feeling rejected and like i don't belong triggers that awful feeling in me again.  yesterday, i posted one of these ducky swim ring photos in the toy photographers group on g+ as a contribution to their inspiring hashtag - #nofigurefriday. i posted it and then left to go pick up the child. when i got back, i refreshed the toy photographers page to see if anyone had commented and to see what others were posting.

weirdly, my post was nowhere to be found on the page. i refreshed again and scrolled down and down, thinking perhaps g+ stacks the posts strangely by column. there were other new posts there that had come after mine, but no sign of mine. my heart actually began to pound and i could hear the blood in my ears and i flushed in embarrassment - had my post been deleted because it wasn't good enough? did i put it in the wrong category? i had selected "photo challenge" because of the hashtag, but what if that was wrong? were they really that strict? had i been too silent for too long, so i was no longer welcome to contribute? what was going on?

notice in all of those thoughts, i immediately felt that i must have been inferior and deserved to have my photo deleted. it didn't make me angry, it made me very sad and it made me feel like i didn't belong. i posted a comment, asking what happened to my original post and people jumped in, giving me helpful advice about how to share in the group, as if i were tech-challenged. that didn't help me feel any better.

later, i got a report that it was some kind of issue with g+ and that a lot of posts weren't showing. but that somehow didn't make me feel better either. i still feel wary and hurt and have a nagging feeling that i don't really belong in that "community." i wonder if it will fade with time, or if my lego wounds are so deep, they'll never really scar over.