eyes wide open :: you can't fix someone else

my throwback impulse is passive aggressive. someone who i thought was a friend, a very good friend, in fact, recently proved not to be so. for reasons apparently beyond my comprehension. when she began ghosting me, i went through all of the stages - worry - was she ok? did something happen to her? was she ill? taken by pirates? kidnapped by drug lords? i even texted another of her friends to ask if they had heard from her. then there was guilt - i spent quite a lot of time feeling vaguely guilty that i had done something that i wasn't aware of, but i sincerely couldn't think of what it might be. we parted on a good note - with a very fun, laughter-filled photoshoot. that couldn't be it. but eventually i realized, it really truly wasn't about me. it was her. i finally received a cryptic and disingenuous email that only bewildered me more. and then it dawned on me, that akin to a breakup, i just needed to get the few things i'd left at her place, and get the hell out. and when i stopped by, she was super weird, claiming to be on her deathbed ill, offering a lame excuse that sounded like a tired lie and then posting instagram pictures of a dinner with another mutual friend the next day. (damn you social media.) and while i still don't understand it, i have arrived at the place where i no longer want to. whatever her flaky, vague, dishonest motivations are, they actually have nothing to do with me. they are hers alone. and i hereby release both her and myself. and it's like a weight has lifted from my shoulders. you can't fix other people. and you can never be inside of who they are. and frankly, you probably don't even want to be.

practicing :: it's a process

today at yoga, the instructor talked about letting go of the tension in our bodies and minds without necessarily solving anything. just releasing it. without needing to solve the underlying cause. just to get a moment of relief. and with my now bordering on chronic jaw problem and all of the unsolvable issues that have caused it (the cheeto who will soon be our president and my mother's decline), the notion of releasing the tension without a solution was a freeing one, even as i also feared that letting it go might just collapse the whole structure that is me. but i was able to do it there, for a brief moment, in class. and it felt pretty great. and i hoping that knowing it's possible, if only for a moment at a time, will help me to do it again. 

i was further reminded at yoga of how much i live my life inside my head and not in my body. like my back problem a year ago, my recent jaw pain, was a sharp wakeup call to me to live more fully in awareness of my body. to find a better balance. my clumsy efforts at knitting help. and i find myself wanting to sew something as well, as that is a good activity for mind-body interaction. from what i've been reading about alzheimer's, it can be very important, that hand-brain connection, in helping yourself avoid getting it. that and a healthy diet. a healthier diet is something that the jaw issue has forced upon me as well and here, more than a week into healthier eating (making lots of juices these days, since i still have trouble opening my mouth very wide), i'm feeling much clearer in my thinking and my clothes fit better as well! so there is some silver lining to the jaw issue. 

yoga also reminds me that i'm practicing. and that it takes time to get good at something. i spend brief moments truly in my body while i'm in class. and i need to work on carrying those moments into the rest of the time - like when i'm trying to fall asleep. or when i feel stressed in a meeting. i want to get better at grounding myself in my body, through breathing and listening to what it's telling me. so weird that it has taken this long for me to realize this. 

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i liked the 2017 goals that tracy clayton (of another round podcast/buzzfeed fame) posted on twitter.

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i envy this guy's knitting skills.

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this woman lives without modern amenities.
but you'll never go without a cup of tea when you visit her.
"miss gallagher believes a period of silence or solitude should be encouraged in the house to help cope with the pressures of life."
maybe she's right.

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if you want to be a better person, find something outside of work.

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is america just a bit backward?
and is it going to get worse?

august wanes and the season changes

what a month it's been! planes, trains, ships and cars. edinburgh, london, dover, hamburg and copenhagen. the culmination of a very big and very healing (for my wounded soul) project that resulted in a world record. a couple of days away with all of my co-workers. we sent the child off to the states for her year of high school. a bit of time in the garden here and there. as the garden produces its abundance, all of the other more metaphorical seeds that were sown over the past year have also come to fruition. i feel sated by the bounty of it all.

we've had the best weather of the whole summer in the past couple of days but right now, it's raining with biblical intensity. husband is helping the child with her algebra in the other room, via facetime. there are two teenage cats racing back and forth, playing a bit too rough. we had a roast chicken for dinner. i served it with a squash gratin (i'm using squash in everything, since the plants are going like gangbusters in the garden) and a broad bean mash (also from the garden). a simple salad of plum tomatoes and cucumbers from the greenhouse rounded it out. it's so satisfying that most of the meal came from our own garden.

i made it to yoga entirely too little during august. i saw friends too little. but on the whole, it's been a very exciting and happy month. it feels like i'm entering a new season of happiness, just as autumn, which is always my favorite season, comes around. a balance has come, an equilibrium. it's borne of spending my weeks doing work that makes me happy and being home on the weekends in this place in the countryside that makes me happy. it's the best of both worlds. long, deep conversations with husband make us both appreciate the time we do have together. meals eaten together, a glass of something cold in the garden in the late afternoon, musings about garden designs. life is full and good as august comes to a close.

tidying up

it's been raining all weekend, so i've been stuck inside, on a mission to tidy up and clean. i hadn't done more than the very bare minimum since my back troubles began back in october. but today, all the rugs were taken out (between showers) and shaken. cobwebs vacuumed up, shelves dusted with a damp, soapy cloth and a bit of rearranging of beloved items. the entryway is still where we stack our shoes and hang our coats, but it's much more inviting.

i got on such a roll, that i tackled my desk area, where papers had piled up and dust had accumulated and spiders had built major real estate. i put away most of the lego from my desk area, realizing at long last that having it there made me more sad than happy. i replaced it with things i wanted to look at instead - my favorite scale with the little birds on top, a bobbaloo, my 2016 happiness jar (which i'd also neglected for a few months), a stack of moleskines, some of the pots i made in ceramics class. objects that bring me joy.

and tho' that little adjacent hallway needs a good once-over on the shelves and the stacks of paper all sorted, it was pretty awesome to clear up my desk area. it had a clearing effect on my head as well. funny how the clutter around us clutters our minds. and then it hit me, while i was vacuuming, that i wasn't worried about my back. for the first time in nearly 9 months, i really wasn't worried about my back. i felt strong and capable and, dare i say, normal again. all that yoga is paying off.

but i also credit it to a long and deep conversation i had on tuesday evening with an old friend. it loosened something in me and i was able, after far too long, to let go of both physical and psychological pain and begin to move forward once again. i don't know if we even talked about anything all that deep - there was a lot of laughter and quite a bit of wine - but it somehow shifted something in me. i don't know if i'll be who i was before (are we ever?), but i feel more like myself again. and after wondering whether i ever would again, it's a big relief.

and on that note, i'm off to tidy the kitchen.

practicing :: a beginning

i went to a restorative yoga class today. my very first one. the physiotherapist cleared me last friday to begin yoga, which i've not really tried before, but which feels like the right thing to build up my weakened core muscles. he told me to take it easy in the beginning, hence the restorative class. it was super low key, lots of stretching and breathing and holding positions for what at times seemed interminable stretches of time. i discovered that my muscles are super stiff and quite sore after half a year of back pain and living in fear of new back pain. i had an inkling of that fact last week when i got a massage and it made me feel downright ill (nauseated and light-headed) for about four hours afterwards. it was better tonight with the yoga class. holding the various poses gave my muscles time to pass through the stiffness and pain and open up, softening and somehow filling with light, even tho' the room was dark and warm and quiet. or maybe because it was. it felt centering to be there, to be beginning a practice, to be taking the first step on what i hope is a new path.

the instructor talked about the full moon and how in it the sun has exposed the shadow side of moon. she said that our practice this evening, in sync with the full moon, could very well expose our own shadows, clearing them out, shedding light upon them.

lying there in the dark, stretching my stiff, too-long-unused muscles, breathing, listening to the music and the gentle guidance of the instructor, colors flitted across my closed eyelids...deep dark purples, peaches, rich glowing green, rosy pink and warm amber. i hated to open my eyes when it was all over, so soothing were my own personal northern lights. and i realized afterwards that yesterday i had painted something a bit like what i saw.

on wednesday, my new practice will continue with chandra hot yoga.

just when i needed it most

you know that thing where you spend time with precisely the people you need to spend time with? and they just lift you up and make you recognize yourself again (even tho' they themselves are totally different). and you can't feel other than grateful. and a little bit your old self again. and by you, i mean me. and me? i'm settling back into myself. finding comfort there again, after far too long.

recovering (and grateful)

i am ever, ever, ever so grateful to good, creative friends who make me laugh and who let me vent and swear and then make me laugh some more. and who pour me a glass of wine when it's needed. and sometimes even when it's not. i am grateful for these days where i have time to devote to the last details for making our local creative workshop/library/culture house awesome. i am grateful to super creative people to collaborate with - like the person who made this dinosaur on which i was allowed to paint the final details. i am grateful to people who are large in the face of smallness. it makes the smallness matter so much less. and i am grateful for husband and how he helps me stay on an even keel. and i am grateful that my new job is just around the corner. and i am grateful for glorious autumn days and even those that are a bit blustery. and for purring lap cats and brand new kittens. and for the pear tree and the last of the tomatoes. for molly (the cat and my cat love friend in cape town). and for not being in a holding pattern anymore. and for proper mexican food and especially tortillas coming to denmark at last. and chairs that are not boring. and nordic light. and men who do dishes. and for being seen for who i am and what i have to offer. for the way that wounds heal. for doors closing and other ones opening. for husband. and sabin. and the security of home and belonging that enables me to fly. and new clothes. and good friends. so much to be grateful for, life feels like it's overflowing. and it's about time.

on why i'm all about the lower case

my guest post is now up at turning*turning. i'd like to thank mal* very much for giving me the opportunity to share my thoughts on my creative space with her readers. and i urge you to all go check it out and do stay to read her blog as well, there's lots of good stuff there!

one interesting thing that happened to me while i was working with mal on polishing the post, was that for the first time, i put some thought into why i don't use traditional capital letters in my blog writing. these days, i find that i'm so accustomed to NOT capitalizing (except for dramatic effect), it's actually a bit difficult for me in my work-related writing to use proper capitals.

i found myself explaining to mal why i didn't use capital letters and what came out was interesting, even to myself, because until i typed it out, i honestly hadn't thought about it before. i had completely unconsciously decided not to use capitals and as it turns out, it was for a very good reason. it was actually the first step in my healing process after leaving my job.

you see, the company, which religiously uses personality profiling and a logic test in their recruitment process, uses those scores as part of their plot to build you into a little ego machine..flattering you that only the best of the best get in to work for them...and you become this very Me Me Me I Am So Great person. it's actually a diabolical part of how they convince you to work 60 hours a week and travel 200 days a year and more than a little ironic in light of the fact that one of the company values is supposedly "humbleness." i realized that i abandoned the capital letters when i began blogging because it felt like a way to step away from that over-inflated ego/sense of importance i had acquired working there.

so that's why although you may still see plenty of traces of ego here on moments of perfect clarity, you don't see that many capital letters.

for about 5 minutes...

...we were going to have a tail-ender. a little sweet person with tiny little feet to keep us young for years to come. it was a bit of a shock at our advanced ages (me 41, husband 43), but we were adjusting to the notion in our heads. and we were quite excited about it, we do after all know what we're doing now. it was just barely soon enough to tell, but the test didn't lie. and then, last night, i woke up feeling all crampy and realized that it was not to be. that's really disheartening.

it takes my breath away how quickly you can get your brain used to a shocking idea. and how quickly you can come to count on it. we were making all sorts of plans in our heads...arrangement of rooms in the house, what to do about the high chair and baby bed we just gave away, thinking we'd never need them, the notion that it was husband's last chance for a boy (him being really outnumbered by girls at our house), even names were tossed around.

yes, the timing was dumb. yes, we're old. yes, we'd be REALLY old by the time the child left the nest. and yes, these things likely happen because there's something wrong, so it's probably for the best. and my inner fatalist presbyterian knows that. but we liked the idea. and now it's not to be. and i feel sad. i think it's going to take longer than five minutes to get past this.

to do list update

stuff that's done is marked in red...partially done is marked in blue...stuff there's excuses for is marked in purple

1. figure out how to personalize my blog template.
2. make a zillion cupcakes to take to school for sabin's birthday.
3. shop for sabin's birthday.
4. take husband's bike to be fixed.
5. bead shop.
6. learn to knit.
7. put some paint on that big canvas.
8. make progress in the upstairs bedroom.
9. cook something delicious.
10. create. create. create.
11. go swimming.
12. go running at least 3x.
13. discover some new music.
14. finish the little corner at the top of the stairs.
15. make a hair appointment

as you can see, pretty good progress and there's still a couple of days left to this week. haven't been running or swimming because i'm battling a head cold and didn't think that it would be done any favors by a.) sweating out in the cold or b.) running around with a wet head. plus, i was afraid of running into the swimming pool nazi at the pool. a sauna would have been nice tho'. there's still time for me make a hair appointment. and put some paint on that canvas, even tho' i have to miss my lesson tomorrow because i'm taking cupcakes to sabin's school.

what's interesting (to me) about this list is that i didn't put anything on it that i'd already done so that i could check it off right away. i used to always do that, back in my old, hectic life, so that i didn't feel that i was already behind before i even started. i must no longer feel a need for that, which must mean that i'm healing. and becoming a normal person again. what a relief!!!

boundless spirit of creativity

i so admire sabin's ability to throw herself into a creative project (here's a picture of what she made). this evening, i got out all of the paper and stamping and scrapbooking materials in order to make a new banner for my blog. sabin pulled up a chair right beside me and dug in straight away, asking me for bits of this and that paper and "mommy, can i try this gold leaf stuff" and "shouldn't i use some of that japanese paper for a sun" and "i can cut it so it looks like grass, mommy." and then she was so mad at me, because i sat there with all of the papers and bits strewn out in front of me, paralyzed in the face of creativity, as usual. "mom, you're not inspired to paint, not inspired to make anything."

but she's wrong about that. i am inspired, i'm just blocked. perhaps afraid. perhaps paralyzed by being in a very non-creative place for the past three years. maybe i'm just stifled and need to break out. and i am breaking out. but for some reason, i need peace and tranquilty in order to settle in and do it. i need quiet in my head before the bits of paper or the paints speak to me. all of the things that have been whirling in my head for, especially the past year, are the polar opposite of peace and creativity. i'm beginning to be back in a place where i can be creative and settle back into myself, but it takes time and it only comes back incrementally, a step at a time and sometimes i'm the only one who can see those steps.

but, i vow to appreciate sabin's ability to jump in head first. if i can give her that and help her keep it, i will have done right by her. and if i can learn from it, even better. and embrace it and eventually, maybe a month or so from now, be able to do it myself. abandon myself to the creative process, let the paint sing on the canvas, let the bits of paper fly and land in meaningful arrangement on the page, realize some of the pictures in my head--pictures involving bits of driftwood, beads, rocks, wires, vibrant colors and meaningful words. even if only meaningful to me, because they help me find my way back to myself and represent the healing of my soul and perhaps bring a bit of beauty to the world along the way. and maybe i'll even have sabin to thank for it. i am so grateful for her boundless spirit of creativity. i will tell her tomorrow morning when she wakes up how very much i cherish and admire it.