officially living the right life for 23 years

23 years with this guy. we're older than we were back then (though not so much in this picture, it's from last november), but he's still completely and utterly the one for me. i would have totally lived the wrong life without him. but with him, even when things get weird, it's always the right life. so here's to the next 23 years. and hopefully even more. 

living well in the time of corona

apparently, the prolific slavoj zizek has already published a book about the pandemic, entitled, appropriately enough, Pandemic! i haven't read it, being currently stuck in an endless mrs. pollifax loop, but the article where i read about it quotes zizek as saying, “we need a catastrophe to be able to rethink the very basic features of the society in which we live” and apparently goes on to inquire into what it means to live well. apparently, this is that catastrophe and perhaps some good will come of it after all, if it really does cause us to use this pause to rethink what it means to live well.

i find so much of what i'm reading and hearing to be so negative and dark. and i have to admit that i haven't really experienced it that way myself. perhaps i've been lucky not to know anyone who has had the dreaded virus. or perhaps i live a place that has handled it well and sensibly and so i don't really know anyone who has lost their job (some are on leave with pay, yes, but they expect to return to work in june and i've had one colleague already called back early because we were so busy). i was nervous at the beginning, since i was just starting a new job then, but things are already picking up for our company and it's been nothing but one big exciting project since the day i started.

perhaps it's because i'm fortunate to live out in the countryside, where i haven't felt trapped inside. when i've had to make a grocery store run, shelves are stocked and people are largely practicing social distancing (it comes easy to the danes). i don't have any sense of panic at the store, so the segment on the washington post's podcast about that last week just sounded artificial and contrived to me.

we've actually spent more time with family both in person and virtually during the pandemic than we have in years. several visits from husband's girls and then his sister and her family, who came to enjoy the wide-open spaces and good food. there were friday night drinks with the family in sweden via zoom that we'd never have done without the pandemic. we facetime regularly with sabs in arizona, so even that hasn't been so bad, though her being so far away has been the biggest source of worry to me in this whole thing.

so what does it mean to live well? i've been very busy with work, so i haven't really felt like the pace of life has slowed down, but in some ways it has. it's been nice not to have to get up early, decide what to wear, rush out the door, drive 45 minutes and then sit in the office all day. i have spent entirely too many hours sitting at my computer, mostly in my pajamas, without makeup, but it has on the whole worked really well. we do have the technology to do our jobs from home.  and it turns out that i also have the necessary discipline. and i think having that mutual trust in your colleagues - that they're working hard and also that they're depending on you to do so too, even though you're not sitting together, that is part of having a good quality of life. and let's face it, our work is a big part of our lives, so when work is good, a good chunk of life is good.

and outside of that, it's been great to be at home, hanging with the cats, being able to take a walk around the garden when i really need a breath of fresh air, to be home to let the chickens out and gather the eggs and water in the greenhouse. i learned a new route to walk around the lake and discovered a beautiful hidden place where there's a bend in the creek i never knew about. i've also taken the back roads when going places, exploring small roads and stopping to take photos as spring has come on, enjoying that i don't necessarily have to hurry up to be somewhere at a particular time.

i've made good food and i've also had some days where i didn't feel like cooking and so i didn't and we ate digestives and brie and had a cup of tea for dinner. this time has helped me let go of expectations and all the musts and have tos. and i've discovered that life can have another pace and there can be room to write 750 words a day, and work a whole lot, and cook, and laugh and snuggle with hollister, and get my hands dirty in the garden, and make 15 liters of rhubarb cordial that future me will thank me for. and get a good night's sleep. and spend less and just BE more. and i have to say that i have a hard time seeing the downside in all that.

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i've got news for you, it's not just the workers at mcdonald's in denmark that pity america these days.

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so nice to get another perspective on this whole thing...

don't shoot the messenger, a podcast from the daily maverick in south africa

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speaking of living well (in a fairy tale?), read this beautiful thing from the paris review.

live your life now or what are you gonna remember?

i found myself fuming today. last week, the belt on our riding lawnmower broke and i went to the local "tractor place" to get a new one. i brought the old one with me and a picture of the lawnmower, in order to ensure that i'd get the right one. the guy googled the model number (damn, why didn't i think of that at home? <insert sarcasm font here>) and then badly read the number on the very worn out belt i brought in. it was nearly rubbed off and i was pretty sure he wasn't reading it correctly. i said so in the moment, but he was sure. two days later, when i picked up the belt he ordered, it looked much shorter than the original, which i took in with me. a new guy who was there, a bit of a young smartass, assured me that the old one was just stretched out. i had my doubts. but what could i say at 4 p.m. on a friday, other than that i'd try it. of course, it was far too short. so i went there again today. there was only one guy tending customers. he was the old owner of the place. after he tended the guy ahead of me, he just didn't bother to come back to talk to me, me being a woman and all. so i waited, and waited. a woman came out of the office and did some fiddling around and then finally asked me if i had gotten any help. i said, "no, just waiting for someone to notice i'm here." she giggled and opened the door to the workshop. some other rube was sent in and he walked past me, then turned and awkwardly asked me if i needed help. i showed him my belt problem and suggested that maybe this time we measure my old one before ordering me a new one. he took the old one and disappeared. he came back with one that was the same length. proving that they had it all along and that i wouldn't have needed to wait a week. i can only conclude that i received shitty service since i was a woman with a foreign accent and i said as much to the woman in the office. she muttered that they were busy on friday and i said i ordered i wednesday. <insert eye roll here>  and meanwhile, the lawn grew half a foot.

why do i tell this petty, stupid story? for one, because it's bugging the hell out of me. and for another because life is too short for this bullshit. women have taken this kind of treatment for too long. and frankly, i'm too old and too experienced to take it anymore. life is too short.

life is too short because my mother has been lost to alzheimer's. i have no idea who the woman is who is left. even her hands, which have always been a source of strength and comfort to me (mostly because i see her strong, capable hands when i look at my own), are unfamiliar, alien even. who is this woman and what did she do with my mother? why can't i remember the good things about my mother when faced with this shell she has become? and will this happen to me too? will my daughter have to go through this? will she lose her good memories of the mom who went to get tattoos with her and traveled with her and and bought her the coolest shoes?

i don't know the answer to that and it scares the shit out of me. but all i can do is live right now. and that means not doing a job that may someday fit if i'm lucky. and that means living right here, right now. planting my garden, enjoying the kittens, reading a good book, learning new things - like spinning and weaving and dyeing. embracing the creative people in my life and hanging on for dear life. what am i going to remember? i don't know, but i hope it's something.

a to å challenge: e is for energy

this one was easy. i’ve had reason of late to ponder energy, as i’ve felt mine returning after too long a hiatus. and i’ve also thought about where energy comes from for me. it comes from having a job in which i travel. it also comes from having people around me who inspire me. people who take my ideas and have ideas of their own, which makes everyone’s ideas grow and multiply. it comes from meeting interesting people (see travel above), who give me new perspectives and new experiences. it gives me energy to be seen for who i am. for my talents to be recognised and utilised and respected and yes, even liked.

when energy returns to me, i have so much more to give to everyone and everything around me. i have energy to read, to listen, to engage, to be alone, to go to yoga, to contribute at work. i am more open, more engaged, more forgiving, kinder, more inspired. i am so much more who i want to be.

i don't want to be my job, but whether i like it or not, i'm much more energetic when i’m working at a job that gives me energy rather than taking it away. i’ve simply had too many jobs that robbed me of energy instead of giving it to me. but now, that i’m once again a place that charges my batteries, rather than depleting them, i hope that i will finally learn the lesson. i fought it for a long time, but perhaps here in the so-called first world, we are what we do for a living. but also so much more than that.

happy anniversary to us!

husband actually looked much happier than this minifig 16 years ago when we walked over to bronshøj kirke hand in hand and got married. then we had a bit of champagne with his fancy uniform-clad colleagues and headed off to london for a weekend mini honeymoon. i think the minifig husband is a bit sad because today he also turned 50 and that's a bit of a tough one. not that i would know. yet.

we gave husband a pair of waders for his birthday. it's what he wanted. he also wanted burgers for dinner. homemade ones. with plenty of guacamole and bacon. and port. that man loves port. we'll have a big party to celebrate this milestone in the summer when the weather is good. garden parties are always the best.

i resolve not to resolve

with the dawning of a new year, i always ponder whether or not to make resolutions. i'm not so good at them, you see. and so i was thinking that this year i'd make some that i can keep...like drink more wine, watch more netflix, eat more and exercise less, never dust, buy more stuff. those would be pretty easy. but is that what i really want? i could throw in a harder one, like "start smoking," which would be a bit of a challenge for me, since i really have no desire to do that. but i wonder if those are actually resolutions at all.

but still, the blank slate of the new year beckons new thinking.

we could spend the summer as vikings, dressing the part, going from one of those viking festivals to the next, cooking over open fires and learning to dye wool with nothing but pee and wildflowers. husband wasn't that keen on this idea, since he's got a new saw of which he's rather enamored and was thinking he'd need an awfully big trailer and a pretty long extension cord to haul it around to the viking festivals.

we could volunteer to help with the ebola epidemic in africa. but alas, we have no medical training and who would feed the horses and provide the service level the cats have come to expect while we're away?

i think about going on a writer's retreat and getting serious about that book. sadly, i fear it's already been done (tho' i wouldn't have made up some crap about "disney sex" if i'd written it).

maybe i just need one of those silent getaways where you don't speak for a week.

or perhaps i just need to reread my own manifesto and leave it at that.

happy birthday husband and happy anniversary to us

it's husband's birthday today. sabin made this fabulous cake for him while we were at work. that's a fondant tractor that looks a bit like husband's own little red tractor. not all of it was edible. the child has learned her share of tips and tricks from watching cake programs on TLC. very clever. it was six layers with nutella, cake creme (a rather pudding-like substance), bananas, pears, pineapple and raspberry jam, all covered in whipped cream and with sprinkles and fondant decoration. just perfect.

it's also our 15th anniversary. as husband remarked this morning, "15 years. i've never been married that long before." and neither have i. until today. i hope we make it 'til at least 3 times that. it's been a great ride so far. i always feel consciously grateful on this day for the path i chose to take with husband. the memories we've made and the plans and projects still ahead. i definitely made the right choice, so many years ago, turning everything upside down for love. it was all worth it.

ahh perfection

this weekend we attended our annual family kräftskiva. it's a swedish tradition - where you wash down massive amounts of crayfish with loads of snaps, sing drinking songs and generally make merry. it's the one time every year where that whole side of the family gets together - danes and swedes.

the food was beautiful and so were the surroundings. it's always wonderful to gather in the house my father-in-law designed and built when husband was a little boy. it's a special place and i always feel that time slows down and stretches into precisely how much is needed when i'm there.

i should perhaps have dialed down that vibrancy a notch for the bowl of crayfish - that's awfully red - but somehow it captures just how over-the-top and perhaps slightly excessive the giant bowl of crayfish really is.

my sister-in-law always excels at setting a simple, beautiful table. she went out and picked the vines of hops and arranged them artfully just before everyone arrived. and from this shot, you can see that the no boring lamps and no boring chairs scandinavian norm holds true.

it would be easy to be envious of this perfect home (because it is perfect in every detail), but really i'm not. i just truly enjoy it. tho' it did, a couple of times, give me a sinking feeling of how far our own home is from that point and a flash of just how much work remains before we get there - to our own version of what's perfect for us. which will be very different anyway.