autumn fades towards winter

there's a full moon outside and instagram is full of people performing mercury retrograde full moon rituals. i'm not sure how much i believe in such things, but the full moon does feel like magic...even more so, these days as autumn turns into winter. we have foggy mornings and foggy evenings and i find myself taking the back way to get where i'm going, because then i can stop and capture such scenes. i think that sort of ritual may mean more than some fluffy mercury retrograde thing. what does that mean anyway? that mercury is fixing the gravel road with a vintage grader? give me a still forest, where i can stand listening to the silence, looking at how what light there is plays on the leaves, breathing it all in. now there's a ritual i can get my head around and i think it clears my path ahead more than anything else possibly could. health and prosperity, here i come!

dear autumn

dear autumn,

you and i used to have such a great relationship. you used to bring with you the promise of a new semester, the excitement of all of the new books to be read from a fresh syllabus, the comfort of a new university sweatshirt and the impending trip to the seminary co-op bookstore. when i close my eyes, i can hear the crunch of leaves, feel the crispness of your air in my nose. i'm enveloped by the memory of a new brown suede coat wrapped around me as i walk down 57th street and turn on woodlawn, so i can pass by the classic lines of frank lloyd wright's robie house as i head for campus. the golden sunshine is stunning on the red and orange leaves, making the day look warmer than it actually is.

these days, autumn, you fill me with a bit more dread. there's no new semester beginning, there's just the impending darkness of winter ahead. short, often grey days and relentless rain, wind sweeping in off the distant north sea to the west, the trees denuded before they even have a chance to change to glorious jewel tones.

autumn, you give way too easily to the darkness of winter in these latitudes, and that's why you fill me with dread. please be kind this year, with a few glorious golden days to look back on when the darkness comes.

your old friend,
/julie

making my way through the fog

we have the most beautiful, long, strangely warmish autumn this year. since my dear bloggy and real life friend, cyndy, died, i've found myself consciously paying more attention to the beauty of the world around me and stopping to appreciate it. i've been pulling the car over and carrying a real camera with me again, rather than only relying on my iPhone (tho' that camera is pretty good these days).  the other day, the camera actually had a hard time finding focus in the fog, but i liked the shot anyway. it kind of conveys my life of late - the path ahead is a bit foggy and uncertain. things are a bit in turmoil at work, with multiple reorgs over the past year that have bounced our department all over the organisation, landing it finally in a strange place where it doesn't really fit. it's draining. i'm a person who can tolerate a high level of uncertainty, but being tossed all over the organization and not really feeling as if all the work you do is particularly appreciated takes its toll after more than a year. so, i've been feeling a bit like i'm not sure what's next. do you wait for things to get better or do you seize other opportunities? i'm doing a little bit of both at the moment. the actual work i do is wonderful and engaging and i get to work with some amazing photographers and filmmakers and tell great stories and that's been keeping me going. i've also been seizing every opportunity i can of late to travel and it helps to be away from the cramped, dark space we've been been banished to in another building since just after the summer holiday. i've really come to realize how important your workspace is to your satisfaction at work. and how important it is to have enough space around you and not feel like the desks are all crammed together. we've very crowded now and when people are on the phone, it's completely impossible to get any work done. i find myself dreading going to the office these days and i never felt that way before. your surroundings just matter so much. and so, i travel all i can. this week, it's berlin and istanbul. and i can't wait!

the view from sunday night

that yearly crayfish party is awesome. seriously a highlight of the whole year. i love husband's family. there are always great conversations. deep conversations. confessions even, but in the best, most understanding of environments. it cleanses my soul and leaves me feeling less alone. part of a tribe even. in the very best way. it was just what i needed.

there was a creative workshop today in our fantastic new library/kulturhus. it was good, but it wasn't all easy. it had its moments. where i am right now, lacking excess energy due to the waiting, it's hard for me to give space to another person who is in a possibly lifelong energy deficit. it's like those two lacks clash and make one giant black hole that neither of us can climb out of.  and it's not the most pleasant of feelings.

and as workshops often do, they bring you further than you think they have while you're in the midst of it. as i tried to draw the threads together afterwards, i was surprised to find that they did indeed come together. that's a good feeling. it had been too long.

i've had multiple dreams of wolves of late. they keep coming. there are rumors that the wolf has returned to denmark, but this is getting absurd. i did think i saw one a week or so ago in a freshly-harvested field. for real. it was lean and looked wild. but maybe it was just a dog? would i know a wolf i saw one? and why does it keep appearing in my dreams? what does it all mean?

holding pattern

the light is changing, becoming autumnal and i mind it less than i thought i would. we didn't have much summer this summer and i thought i would dread the autumn, but, like many other transitions at the moment, it feels like it's right and like it's what's next, just the natural progression of things. what doesn't feel right is that i'm in a waiting phase once again and time has slowed down once again. it doesn't get easier. and it doesn't help my sleep. in fact, it feels like torture, cruelty even. i just want to know what's next and get on with it.

in the meantime, i find myself seeking comfort. soft sheep pelts tossed over chairs, purring cats, the smell of apples baking in the oven, long walks listening to podcasts, a new cut & color. it helps but it doesn't help.

what also doesn't help is an unexpectedly rude email, reading the news, people playing games for no logical reason, strange dreams of wolves and not sleeping properly.

our yearly krebsegilde (the swedish crayfish party) is this weekend and perhaps that will help. tradition, combined with laughter can sometimes do that.

in the meantime, i try to breathe in and just get through it.

into the fog (or perhaps out of it)

it's been pretty foggy in the mornings of late. i actually really love the fog, except in the areas where there are often deer, but it's ok to have to slow down a little bit and take my time. i've been rushing around with last minute preparations for being away for nearly three weeks! back to the land of my birth for work and fun. first to seattle, where i've not been in ten years and then to new york city for the very first time. it's been hectic and crazy in these weeks leading up to the trip, so i'm ready to see some new sights and have some new experiences. the kittens will likely be all grown up when i return, as will my child, who is off to london for a week during the autumn holiday and has all kinds of plans for getting around there on her own. poor husband, he'll be home all alone and have to take care of all of the animals while we're both away. i think he'll manage, tho' i do imagine that the cats will have to get used to another level of service than that to which they've become accustomed. i'm sure i'll check in from along the journey, so stay tuned...

det skal nok gå

autumn is closing in on us. the days are visibly shorter. the wind is more blustery. it's cooler. and mornings are crisp. i feel mostly ready for it (tho' i do hope that guy comes with a new furnace soon). it feels like things are winding down, even as they wind up - i'm busier, sabin's busier, husband is busier. life is rushing past at the moment. energy is being channeled in new ways. time is being spent differently than it was. new projects. new friends. much-needed long conversations 'til all hours of the morning with old friends.

but i was accustomed to the lower gear and i feel like things should slow down a bit. and i should hoard my energy a bit better. when things pick up speed, i tend to waste it on things i shouldn't. fall into old patterns, rather than remembering and embracing the new ones. old procrastinations. old ways of focusing (or not, as the case may be).

i have to remember to take a moment to gather acorns. pet the kitten. pick up the child. ride the horse. breathe. and enjoy the autumn. i love spiderwebs in the morning and crisp cool air. raspberries ripening. chutneys bubbling on the stove.

there is time for everything if you just make it.

november wakes up on the wrong side of the bed

i hate to start off november with a rant, but there you have it. husband is on one of his snoring kicks and i woke up about 72 times in the night, so i'm grumpy. there's a fine mist hitting me in the face whenever i step outside to do chicken and rabbit chores. the horse is still lame. and she's getting crabby too. our washing machine is down and tho' i've called a repairman, they're extremely imprecise about when he'll show up. a rant is simply in the dark, chilly, damp autumn air.

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i tried to cheer myself up with a little browse of my google reader via flipboard. and can i just say that those blogs where there's only a truncated feed and you can't see the whole post without clicking an extra step....i'm just not going to read those anymore. the reality of today is that people are reading on a device - an iPad, an iPhone - and it's a big pain in the ass to have to click an extra step. i know all the reasons why one would truncate the post...to make sure the visits are counted...but really, it's just arrogant and annoying. and i'm done clicking the extra step.

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i'm reading another bad book. elaine feinstein's biography of anna akhmatova, anna of all the russias. and it's just bad. she extrapolates all kinds of biographical details from anna's poetry, as if they're true and not art. clearly the woman couldn't be bothered to do real research - she doesn't properly explain who anyone is or their connections. she appears to have only the vaguest knowledge of the russian revolution.  it's just a bad book. luckily, it's not a novel, so i can put it down without finishing it. i'll be taking it back to the library today.

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i no longer have any patience or time for things and people who drive me crazy. meddling. being too involved. not just letting me get on with what's ostensibly my responsibility, that stuff pisses me off. and makes me want to take a step (or two) back. this is why i'm not in the corporate world anymore.

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another thing that's driving me crazy is how people wear stress as a badge. as if it's a good thing to be so busy that you feel totally stressed out. here's a news flash: it's not. and i'm not impressed by your bragging about how stressed you are. it doesn't mean you're important, and it may actually mean that you're stupid.

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ok, i'm going to stop grumping now.

i'm actually very happy because handmade holiday starts today

and i'm really excited to share a lot of fun projects

with a lot of fun people.

it's not too late to join us!

wordless wednesday - rain

we're also doing rain this week on across ø/öresund

friday confessions - halloween

it's friday. the day dawned cold and frosty, but clear and eventually the sun made its way over the horizon. but despite the crisp freshness of the air and the last glories of the autumn colors glowing in the sunlight, i confess i'm in a mild depression. and it's not just because voldemort has split his soul into multiple horcruxes and the challenge of destroying them all seems so daunting.

autumn brings about mixed feelings in me. while i love it the most of all the seasons, there is a sorrow about it. the leaves on the ground are beautiful but melancholy in their decay. there is a sense of passing. i have a vague dread of the dark months ahead, made worse, no doubt, by how very dark it gets in these northern climes i inhabit. so in all, i'm left feeling mildly depressed.

i also confess....

~ that panic is about to set in because we've invited 20 3rd graders to a real Halloween party tomorrow and i have no idea what i'm going to wear. pirate? witch? morticia addams? zombie cheerleader?

~ i have a lot of cooking to do for the halloween party. since i've got harry potter on the brain, i'm wondering if i can come up with some butterbeer and cauldron cakes?

~ i love carving pumpkins. we carved the first round last night and will do more this evening in preparation for the party. i'm looking forward to it with a childlike anticipation that almost throws off my mild depression.

~ i wonder if i'll finish sabin's costume before she gets home from school?

~ i do wonder how we're going to fit everything in tomorrow...party preparations, riding lessons, costumes...before the kids arrive at 4 p.m.! eek!

i'm really grateful for all of the encouraging comments and emails from all of you after my post about moving on to something more creative as a job. it comes pretty close to lifting my mild depression. thank you so much.

i hope you have a lovely weekend!

p.s. have you checked out our halloween week over on across ø/öresund? there also will be halloween-related recipes going up on domestic sensualist (as soon as i get some pictures taken). be sure to check out both!