a question of trust

trying to fit in another's frame doesn't work for me

last evening, the schoolmarm character in the farce that has filled my recent weeks, righteously gave me a lecture about trust and how i needed to trust in systems and processes and the people around me (this isn't the first time this happened). she offered no supporting evidence, save tradition, that trust was warranted and i have numerous examples where i can see that trust has neither been earned nor deserved.

for me, trust and openness go hand in hand. when a group is teeming with hidden agendas and secret alliances, there is a distinct lack of openness. when one member is repeatedly left off emails and action lists, one has to begin to wonder if it's not being done on purpose. once might be an accident, twice some serious forgetfulness, but more than that and it begins to look like chicanery. i suppose that many would give up in the face of such treatment (and schoolmarm more than hinted yesterday that i should consider that), but i'm not many. and i'm stubborn. and the project itself - the establishment of a place in the community that will house not only a new library, but all kinds of activities - creative workshops, atelier space, theatre, film, exhibition space, concerts, events, music, readings, lectures and maybe even a café - feels worth it. because i want to live a place where all kinds of things are happening and to have a place to go that feels welcoming and open to a wide variety of people and activities. i want to learn ceramics and jewelry-making and maybe try to paint. i want to hang out with creative people and be inspired and for the community to have a place where that's precisely what happens, well, i think that's worth fighting for.

what's odd is that a small group within the small group that has been elected to this task is very closed and insular. they want to keep the project to themselves. they don't want to hear the wishes of the community. and it's very odd, because several of those who are the most closed are not users of the current facilities - the troglodyte actually goes so far as to disparage the activities that are happening there today. apparently not realizing that it will be the same sort of activities - concerts, lectures, film evenings, like-minded arty folks who paint together, theatre - that will happen in the new (or renovated) facilities.

is it any wonder i don't trust the motivations of these people? why on earth get involved if you're not passionate about the project itself? i will continue to question and yes, think for myself, and yes, hold onto my suspicions until i can see that everyone involved wants the best for the project. because that's definitely not clear right now. there are issues of alliances and power (as laughable as that sounds in this small town context) involved that are not easy to see through.

i don't need to be popular, i just need for people to treat differing opinions with respect, rather than bullying. there must be room for all of us. and once that room is made, then trust might follow. but until then, i don't trust them any farther than i can throw them.

speed dating and that fizzy feeling

over the past few days i have come to understand the concept of speed dating (i realize i'm quite possibly left behind in the mid-noughties with this notion and perhaps no one does it anymore). speed dating in the sense of a fast, intense conversation with a new person, where you ask a series of set questions and form a quick impression. tho' my purpose was quite different than selecting a date (what with husband being a keeper and all) i think that the almost instantaneous sense of whether you click with a person is actually the same. i have effectively speed-dated more than 60 people in the past few days and there are handful that i could almost instantly tell that i would like to hang out with and get to know better.

during two of the conversations (quick word about my project: over a period of ten days, i'm assessing the english skills of 120+ people who work with children) i actually had goosebumps. i was left feeling decidedly fizzy and longing for more time. interestingly (and to my relief), those who i didn't connect intensely with didn't produce an opposite reaction of revulsion - it was more like the conversation was over quickly and there was no fizz. this reaction only marginally had to do with the language skills of the person in question.

this, of course, got me thinking. what is it that attracts us to other people? after this experience, i think it's something quite subconscious and perhaps even intangible. or it involves a whole lot of signals that we both give and receive of which we are almost completely unaware on a conscious level. i don't even think it has that much to do with the topics being discussed, it's just a kind of instant connection. chemistry perhaps? or maybe an ability to pick up on the energy or aura another person radiates?  whatever it is, i was left wanting more.

i can tell that i need to spend more time out among people. that fizzy feeling definitely gives me some much-needed energy.

*  *  *

holy crap, i can't stop thinking about this.

*  *  *

happy weekend, one and all!

observations on a sunny afternoon in copenhagen

observed today in copenhagen while sitting in a café along gammel strand:

1. sweet old american couple with the easy, understated elegance of retired academics, getting lattes before going on a canal tour.  
2. sweden pretty much providing all of the wait staff in copenhagen.  malmö really is a suburb of copenhagen, thanks to the bridge.
3. so many charming upright bikes with a front basket and pretty fenders.
4. busy yellow buses
5. everyone is on a mobile phone is some fashion--whether texting or talking.
6. tourists sticking out due to their fashion:  spaniards with dark hair, scarves and totally different sunglasses. jutlanders with their sing-song danish and short leather jackets.
7. trendy young men who have clearly spent hours and a fortune in hair wax/gel giving their hair that tousled bed-head look.
8. middle-aged academics in unfashionable slightly too short sport coats.  they are no doubt politiken readers.
9. lawyers (or perhaps shipping executives) in suits, striding purposefully towards a business lunch.
10. the odd clothing of summer.  it's clear that summer is so short here that people replace their summer clothing more infrequently.

a whole 'nother world

overheard in dashing divas...

conversation between two young filipino women of privilege, whom i learned in the course of the overheard conversation, were 32 and 33 respectively:

the conversation started because they were complimenting one another on their Chanel flats. one of them had them in black and the other in teal. they bragged on and on about what other colors they had at home and how much they loved them except for this one little pinchy place, but what a great everyday shoe they were.

from designer shoes, the conversation moved on to bags because one of the girls had a #30 Hermes bag in red. she had many Chanel bags at home, but was selling them, except for a few of her favorite everyday ones, because "once you go to Hermes...."(this is a direct quote which she said at least 5 times, warning the other girl to enjoy her Chanel while she could because it just wouldn't be the same after the Hermes, which the other girl was anticipating getting for her 35th birthday).

it seemed that both of these girls were actually making a business of acquiring, using for a while and then selling on their designer bags. they hadn't met one another before, but had mutual friends in the "bag trade."

it was clear from the conversation that bags were a subject they were very passionate about (and i can understand this, since i have a bit of a bag collection of my own--just no Chanel or Hermes). although it sounds like an incredibly pretentious conversation, believe it or not, they actually did not come across as pretentious. this world of traveling to hong kong or japan or hawaii and acquiring bags, using them for awhile, selling them (to others like themselves, i guess) and then buying new ones was simply the fact of their way of life.

what i sat there thinking about (aside from the fact that my brand new Coach bag, which i adore and which was on the seat beside me was probably not high enough end for them), were the poor sweet little nail girls. there were two of them working on each of these girls, plus the two working on me and the two working on the woman on the other side--so a total of 8 girls who are no doubt working VERY long hours and long weeks for astonishingly little money--all sitting there listening to this conversation. i tried to read their faces to see if the conversation hurt their feelings in any way. other than one small rolled-eye gesture which i silently coaxed out of one of them whose eyes caught my eye, there was no sign.

but what was amazing was that these two sets of young woman are living in the same country, but are worlds...no, GALAXIES apart. it did strike me as more than slightly rude of the two young women to have that conversation there in front of those girls who could scarcely even dream of having a copy of a Chanel or Hermes bag. but, it was clear that that didn't cross their minds. it was almost as if those girls were invisible to them. and i really have to stress that it wasn't in a haughty or snobbish way. it was simply clear that they had been brought up with maids and nannies around the house and were completely accustomed to conducting their lives without noticing them.

i can't help but find that a little bit sad..for both sides, actually.

to be or not to be

how can you really know what you're good at? or what you're bad at, for that matter? we are so inside of ourselves, our own perspective, that sometimes (most of the time), it's very difficult to take an honest look at ourselves.

how do others see us? we can only see ourselves in a mirror and from the inside. for all intents and purposes, we don't even REALLY know what we look like. what does our face show on it--do we tell all or do we hide everything? do we appear to be who we really are?

i'm pretty sure my face shows everything. if i'm not happy, i look unhappy. if i'm happy, you can see it. if i'm confused, or bored there's no doubt. if i think someone is stupid, they can see that on my face. (this has not always been a good thing.) i have had many an occasion to wish that i was more able to wear a mask than i am. i would make a lousy poker player.

i often find myself surprised when people tell me that i'm good at a particular thing. often it's something that i just take for granted and don't really think about. i suppose the things we're really good at are just second nature to us.

sometimes, i'm surprised when i see myself in the mirror...feeling a sudden sense of "who is that person?" like my outer self has nothing to do with the inner. it's like a flash of non-recognition. why does that happen? does it happen to everyone?

in recent years, several times, people have indicated that they think that i appear to be a person who can't and definitely doesn't cook. that has been the strangest one for me. what is it about me that gives off that signal? because i definitely can cook and in fact it's one of the things that i would say myself that i'm very good at and one of the major sources of joy and relaxation in my life. but why is it that i apparently look like someone who can't? what is it about how i appear to them that makes them think that?

what other disconnects are there between who i really am and who i appear to be? i'll have to ponder that one on another occasion because right now, who i am is really tired!

observing or judging?

i realized something today on my journey home from oslo. i didn't realize it yet as i sat in the airport, looking around and noting down observations, such as that the woman next to me kept putting her camera up to her ear, as if it were a phone. why did she do that? was she a private detective trying to take surreptitious pictures of the people across the way? (this crossed my mind.) or was she just mental? or drunk at 11 a.m. and thought it was her phone? what was it?

i was only when i got on the metro in copenhagen that i realized what it is. i look around and my head is full of judgements:

• cheap shoes
• cool shoes
• very cool shoes
• trashy shoes
• (why are they all about shoes?)
• bad nose
• nice coat
• good haircut
• did they do that to their hair on purpose and moreover, did they PAY something for it?
• is she wearing pants?
• shouldn't she be wearing pants?
• leiderhosen--an interesting fashion choice for a 60-year-old woman

how do you turn it off? i'd actually LIKE to turn it off. but, something in us is constantly judging. i actually watched another girl (the one who may not/should have been wearing pants) watch a couple have a conversation and could see on her face that SHE was judging. (they were having a totally empty conversation.)

i remember when i first came to denmark and didn't understand danish, i thought that all of the conversations around me on the public transportation were totally of high level importance--the fate of the polar bear, whether postmodernism was indeed the cultural logic of late capitalism, björk's latest album. they weren't. they were about grandma's hemorrhoids, same as anywhere else.

but, the stories we tell ourselves about others in our heads are interesting, aren't they? i make up stories about the people i see around me all the time. i have a theory that i can tell by looking at any other person at the train which danish newspaper they subscribe to. just by their clothing, glasses and the expression on their face. i've been proven right many times, when they take the newspaper in question out of their bag and begin to read it.

i suppose along with those stories one tells oneself about the others on the train or the bus or in the airport, there is always an element of judgement. we are constantly assessing whether people are like us or not. perhaps it's just human nature. but i'd like to be more aware and try to keep it to the level of observation and stop judging so much. maybe the first step is realizing what's going on in my head...