secret 7 - barbie girl

once upon a time many years ago, i had a very good friend that i hung out with all the time. she worked at the same newspaper i did and was in charge of all the kids who had paper routes, so i used to tease her about whether she'd done her paper route that day. i actually used to tease her about a lot of things. because she could take it and she could tease back.

we had a lot of great times together. we ran the hash. we had sloth weekends where we did nothing but play nintendo all weekend. we played cards into the wee hours of the night. we had a game called "drink two" where you had to name who sang a song first when it came on the radio and if you did it, the others all had to take two drinks of their drink (i was rubbish at that game). we watched star trek: next generation marathons and real world marathons on MTV. one sloth weekend, my sister and her friend went to target and came back with presents for everyone. they brought me something sparkly and they brought michellea a pork sandwich.

back then, i had a little bit of a thing about barbie. i collected the christmas barbies and other collectible editions of barbie (hmm, maybe that should have been my secret--oh well, consider it a little bonus extra secret, because the real secret is coming up and it's a doozy). these, i had on shelves in my living room. well, michellea wasn't really a barbie girl. and in fact, on one or other sloth weekend, she let it slip that she was kinda freaked out by dolls in general (a bit like i feel about clowns) and that all those barbies staring down from the shelves above the t.v. were kinda freaking her out. i surely laughed maniacally at the time.

well, college ended and we all went our separate ways, moving to other states, but staying in touch. in those days, via telephone, where we could actually have three-way calls due to the miracle of mid-90s technology.

i always kept the doll thing in the back of my mind and then, when a friend was visiting from germany, i told him of the plan i'd been brewing. i would cut up a barbie doll and put the pieces into identical envelopes and send them to michellea from all over the world. i'd send a couple home with him for him to mail from germany. i'd distribute the others to other friends and ask them to send them from places that michellea wouldn't suspect of me. i'd save the envelope with the head myself and send it after a few weeks with a note, revealing it was me and go down in the annals of practical jokedom. it was a genius level practical joke.

so my german friend used his pocket knife to chop up a barbie (it hurt me a little bit to cut up barbie, but it was also cathartic in a way). we carefully placed the pieces of her in identical little manila envelopes and i printed address labels and addressed them. my friend took several of the envelopes and i distrubted the rest to other friends to send from random postmarks.

in those days pre-9/11, my sister actually got a guy who sat next to her on a flight to denver to take one of them and mail it from his home in colorado. he thought it was a hilarious story and thought it would be a riot to take part in it. another friend was going to the bahamas and she took a couple along with her to mail along her journey.

michellea was working at a big university, running a residence hall. the bits of barbie began to trickle in. and she, of course, thought it must be someone in her hall--there was a guy who was a bit delusional and fancying himself the new jesus and he headed her list of suspects. my sister and i were also on her suspect list (she knew us well) and i remember that michellea called me and we had a three-way call with my sister, wherein i remember strongly denying the whole thing, tho' i had to use the mute button to laugh uproariously. then, sadly, the unabomber, who hadn't been caught or active for some time struck somewhere or other and then the bits of barbie began to seem a bit frightening. we heard that michellea's mom wanted her to call the police. so we called her& right away and told her it was us and that it was just a practical joke. by then, i had sent the head, revealing the trick.

michellea never did get all of the pieces of barbie, some were lost in the mail. she kept them in a shoe box for quite awhile thereafter. and she had to admit, unabomber aside, that it was a pretty good practical joke. the only thing is is that she's not yet paid me back for it. so i'm still on guard.

testing jason

when husband heard that my sister was bringing her new boyfriend over for a visit, he immediately began scheming all sorts of elaborate plans for putting jason to the test. he remembered when he was first brought into the family fold and all of the tests he went through...he painted a small barn, he mowed my parents' enormous lawn (it's very nearly so big that when you're done it's time to start again on the part where you started), he was put on the back of a horse, he was sent to the river with what turned out to be a battery-less jetski and asked to troubleshoot getting it started. all sorts of man tests. so he eagerly looked forward to passing along the tradition.

since it's winter and jason couldn't be asked to mow the lawn or paint the house, husband's thoughts immediately turned a bit more towards elaborate practical jokes. we moved from testing to hazing. and he enlisted the help of his sister.

it just so happens that she works in a sterile environment at a pharmaceutical factory, packing the medicine for distribution. it's one of those hyper clean, FDA rules covering every aspect, kind of places. you wear white sterile suits and special footwear, your hair is covered. so husband cooked up a scheme in which we would go visit his sister at her home for dinner, but when we arrived, we would all put these suits on as if it were perfectly normal.

mid-afternoon, husband called me. the rest of us were enjoying a hot cocoa and a latte at the local cafe. he told me that the dept. where his sister worked had some special warning to their employees about contact with people from the US and africa due to some bacterial outbreak fears. he said our visit to his sister that evening was in jeopardy because she didn't want to violate any rules her work laid down and jeopardize her job in these tough economic times. i asked him to keep me posted and passed this along.

a couple of hours later, when husband came home, he said that his sister had called and that she had gotten permission from her manager to go ahead with our dinner plans at her house, but that we would have to take some precautions and answer a questionnaire when we arrived. one of those questionnaires like when you enter a country.."have you been in a farm in the past two weeks," and the like.

when we arrived, we peered in the glass door to see husband's sister and her family, all clad in the white sterile suits. out on the stoop were a basket of suits for us and some pretty candles. we were to put on the white suits over our clothing before going in.

husband's sister and her family, also protective suit-clad, waited in the entry-way. we could go in as we got our suits on. my sister had difficulty not laughing. and jason kept telling her to be nice.

soon jason was ready to begin answering the questions.  at first, they seemed serious, but grew increasingly preposterous, as we moved towards the reveal that it was a practical joke.

husband read the questions from a big binder, since he had to translate.

at "do you like pork roast, children and the danish flag? it begins to dawn on jason that something's up.

"how do you feel about practical jokes?"

and being a super good sport! even still being willing to hug monica despite her being in on it.

and a big hug for the hostess.

we all had a great laugh, confirmed that jason is awesome and proceeded to have a wonderful evening together, eating a very danish pork roast and drinking far too much wine, beer and port.

and husband felt he had done his part to welcome jason to the family.

including our motto--what are you gonna remember?