recovery time

as i get older, it seems to take me more and more time to recover from the big events. back at the end of november, i gave my notice at my job after a tumultuous almost two years of working during a pandemic in a branch that experienced exponential growth because people were sitting at home, working and homeschooling from their kitchens and thinking, "damn, i need a new kitchen." that resulted in a lot of crazy mad ambitious projects that were legitimately "business critical," (though i hate buzzwords like that). 

it was fun and i had really great colleagues, but it was also really intense and hard and in the autumn, i fell prey to the thoughts that many people are having these days...is this really what i want to be doing? do i want to write about black friday deals and affordable prices for the rest of my career? i am approaching an age where i have to think about these things. because soon it will get more difficult for me to switch jobs. even though age is just a number. and with basically 0% unemployment (ok, it's 2.8%, but that might as well be 0%), things aren't that bad. yet. but still, it gave me pause. 

i'd been courted by a headhunter since the summer holiday and i'd turned them down once, but they approached me again in the autumn as fatigue set in. a very big project was dragging out, a boss that went down with stress, tried to come back, couldn't accept the changes that happened in his absence and then left, leaving that very big project in one giant mess and with no one at the helm, made me say yes the second time around. 

but before i said yes, i had a day with the new team, basically interviewing them. it's that kind of job market these days. and i really liked them and it felt like the right thing to do, so i said yes. but i agreed to give my old job an extra month (in denmark, you tend to give you notice at the end of one month and you finish at the end of the next one). i owed that to those good colleagues and we'd been through so much together. and i also felt that i'd poured so much work and caring (i always care too much a great deal) and thought and sweat and tears into the project, that i wanted to leave it at a milestone, rather than just leaving in the middle of everything.

and hit that milestone we did. confetti canons and all. and i felt grateful and privileged to have worked so hard with such a group of talented people. and although i've gone on to that new job with an undoubtedly talented new group of people, damn, i miss them. we went through the hellfire together. we laughed, we swore (some more than others...and by we i mean me), we inspired one another, we leaned on one another, on occasion we had a few too many drinks, we got mad, we yelled, some of us mansplained (you know who you are), then we made up and got over it and got to work again. and it was special and awesome and although i chose it myself, i'm sad it's over. and i miss them so much. 

and it all makes me realize that it's possible to be sad and happy at the same time. i'm excited about what's ahead and so happy to get to know a whole new group of colleagues, but the transition is hard. you don't just get over such an intense period of work in a day. and you have doubts and grief over losing the daily contact with those you shared it all with. guys, you will all have a very special place in my heart. and there will always be a g&t waiting for you if you drop by. but be sure you wear a t-rex or guy riding a chicken costume, because damned if you aren't going to end up on tiktok with me. that's the only way we're going to recover from this...as the danes say (and you're all danes), "you only have the fun you make yourself." i had a lot of fun with you and it was a privilege. thank you all. 

here's to brighter days ahead. 🥂✨ 

we will recover from this, it will just take a little time. so let's give ourselves that time. 

triggered

just when you think you're completely healed and over your year in lego, something happens that opens up the baggage and you're right back, smack in the middle of how terrible it felt. it turns out that feeling rejected and like i don't belong triggers that awful feeling in me again.  yesterday, i posted one of these ducky swim ring photos in the toy photographers group on g+ as a contribution to their inspiring hashtag - #nofigurefriday. i posted it and then left to go pick up the child. when i got back, i refreshed the toy photographers page to see if anyone had commented and to see what others were posting.

weirdly, my post was nowhere to be found on the page. i refreshed again and scrolled down and down, thinking perhaps g+ stacks the posts strangely by column. there were other new posts there that had come after mine, but no sign of mine. my heart actually began to pound and i could hear the blood in my ears and i flushed in embarrassment - had my post been deleted because it wasn't good enough? did i put it in the wrong category? i had selected "photo challenge" because of the hashtag, but what if that was wrong? were they really that strict? had i been too silent for too long, so i was no longer welcome to contribute? what was going on?

notice in all of those thoughts, i immediately felt that i must have been inferior and deserved to have my photo deleted. it didn't make me angry, it made me very sad and it made me feel like i didn't belong. i posted a comment, asking what happened to my original post and people jumped in, giving me helpful advice about how to share in the group, as if i were tech-challenged. that didn't help me feel any better.

later, i got a report that it was some kind of issue with g+ and that a lot of posts weren't showing. but that somehow didn't make me feel better either. i still feel wary and hurt and have a nagging feeling that i don't really belong in that "community." i wonder if it will fade with time, or if my lego wounds are so deep, they'll never really scar over.

more mundane musings on pain

I would like to be able to say that i've developed a sophisticated and erudite philosophy of pain over the course of recent weeks, but i fear that the deepest thought i have about it is that it sucks. i do, however, have a new appreciation for how involved our backs are in virtually everything we do. tying our shoes, putting on socks, bending down to fill the cat food, coughing, sneezing, turning over, walking, sitting, standing, just riding in a car, let alone driving it. the back is playing a constant and key role in ways you do not realize until it cannot fulfill that role without hurting like hell. but i am on the mend now - the nerve pain is gone, the surgery pain is fading fast and i'm going back to work this week - at least part-time.

....insert three days here....

it's now several days later...i wrote the paragraph above on sunday and then never got a chance to sit down again and finish. i've been at work three days now and it's been great. i actually forgot all about my pain meds yesterday until late afternoon, so the healing is headed in the right direction. i may have overdone it a bit and i've been low on energy today, but i'm starting to sleep through the nights without waking around 3 when my pain meds wear off. and all of that is great progress.

all this play-by-play of my health, i know it's boring, but since this blog is also where i store my memory, it's more for my own sake than for all of you (sorry about that). this has been one long haul, even tho' it's only been about 6 weeks or so since it began. from what i hear from many people who have had back troubles (and there are surprisingly many), i'm lucky to have gotten it taken care of so quickly. for some reason, they often make people wait months and months in dire pain, thinking it will get better on its own. i don't know why, but they didn't think that with my pain. thank odin for that.

and i do promise to get back to writing about more fun things in the near future...like a little trip i'll be taking to amsterdam on monday. which is really a minicruise to newcastle and back to amsterdam. i'm even taking my trusty camera teenager assistant to carry all of my equipment. it's good to be feeling semi-human and functional again. 

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i have an overwhelming desire to visit chernobyl. none of the other intensely polluted destinations in andrew blackwell's visit sunny chernobyl have the same affect on me.

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the fascinating story of how one hundred years of solitude came to be published.

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speaking of beautiful literature, 

here is a collection of beautiful quotes.

buzzfeed rocks lists.

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vintage images of the soviet space dogs.
i'm loving atlas obscura.

recovering

enjoying the companionship of kittens, even if they spend most of their time swinging from the curtains and not cuddling with me.

it looks like the surgery was a success - the nerve pain is gone, the numbness in my left knee is fading fast and there's no pain in my left leg anymore, aside from a few twinges today which i interpret as a sign of healing. the only place that hurts right now is the site of my actual incision and it confines me more to my bed than i would like. i've been dutifully doing my assigned exercises and going for short walks. it was actually sunny today and it's a balmy 9°C/50°F out there.

i went out and soaked up some vitamin D and captured my long, tall winter shadow, before going back in and resting. standing is ok and lying down is ok, but sitting up is a challenge. as i type this, i'm more of less 3/4 of the way prone, since it's very hard to find a comfortable way to sit with my incision. but it's already itching, so i know that it's healing and it's only a matter of time.

someone is still trying to teach me that lesson in patience and maybe i'm finally getting it.