fear and other baggage

fear is an annoyance, rearing its head when you least desire it, popping up from the depths where you had tucked it away. sometimes you are surprised by what provokes it, other times, it returns like dust on your window ledge, there's a thin covering of it and you didn't even notice its arrival until it's there, keeping you awake at night, grinding your teeth. my fear doesn't have to do with dying, it's about feeling (or being shown) that i don't belong. but this piece about audrey lourde on the ever-brilliant brainpickings spoke to me, even tho' it was about the much more real fear of impending death. as the piece says, not giving in to fear is about "everyday living and making decisions." deciding not to give in to fear, to let it rob you of sleep, your fillings, your happiness and contentment and your genuine enjoyment of your job and life in general. but, in times of uncertainty, that can be hard.

i wrote the above last sunday night and left it unfinished here in my browser tab. in the meantime, i've had a whole week to ponder the question of fear. i also listened to a wonderful podcast on the topic, which, by chance (or not, if you have a fatalist presbyterian inside you), was the nytimes podcast club's pick this week - closer than they appear. it was so thoughtful, deep and self-reflective, that it made me think about fear differently. the host, carvell wallace, examines trump's america and how one can cope with living in it. in the first episode, he asked listeners to think about someone they'd like to talk to, who they haven't been able to for one reason or another - someone who they were estranged from or angry with - and about something you want to say to someone, which you haven't been able to say.

and i began to think about who that would be for me. two people came to mind, and then it became three and then four, none of which i really have the possibility to speak to, unless i really tried. but the need is still there, and i think it's actually really blocking me from truly living to my full potential. in all three four cases, it is the root of the fear i feel today in the face of some of my colleagues losing their jobs and fearing for my own.

the first one is that old norwegian misogynist dinosaur who was a sexist son-of-a-bitch to my face. in this era of #metoo, he has been on my mind a lot. i was so nonplussed at the time, that i just flushed and swallowed hard and couldn't think of a single thing to say against his ridiculous claim that a woman couldn't interview a shipping ceo. and i eventually left that job because of that incident, which i reported to hr and then was "bought out" and left.  i'd like to call him a misogynist dinosaur to his face.

the second one is uncle fester. he was utterly wrong about a situation and he never admitted that he was wrong. of course, he was someone who had no problem standing in front of large groups of people, lying to their faces, so there's that. i have heard that he has had a rather severe case of lyme disease, which makes me believe in karma. he is the least of the four, as i moved on to other jobs which took me in a better, more interesting direction. i would still like to tell him i think he's a weak coward for being unable to admit his mistake. and i probably could write to him, but i'm not sure it's worth it.

number three is an old friend who hasn't been a friend for some years. i'd love to tell him (these are all men, have you noticed?) how hurt i was by his actions, but i'm not sure what good it would do. on the other hand, i had an amazing bodywork session on friday that made me think that i hold this baggage in my body, so perhaps it would be worth getting in touch and trying to clear the air.

the last is that asshat from lego. he said i wasn't commercial. and he negated me as a person, more than any of the others (except, perhaps interestingly enough, that other norwegian twat). perhaps above all, i'd like to give him a piece of my mind. and since he's but 15 minutes away, the possibility lingers.

but then i think about whether it's really worth it. would any of them learn anything or recognize the damage they did? would i be prepared to accept it if they didn't? would my body be able to let go of the baggage i carry? at my age, there's starting to be so much, that i wonder sometimes how i can carry it all.

i'm not done pondering this and i think i'll even listen to the closer than they appear podcast again, to try and work through it (also, it's that good). and i'm definitely going back for more bodywork - that was amazing. and potentially transformative. it would be good to be able to let go of all this fear. undoubtedly a whole new wave of fears would take center stage, but then i could deal with those (i'm looking at you, alzheimer's). above all, it would be good to have something else rule my life/behavior...like awesome energy and good karma.

so much work to do.

looking at life through kittens' eyes

there's a lot to be learned from kittens. they live utterly and completely in the moment. they only do what they want to do. they thoroughly enjoy what they're doing, whether playing, sleeping or eating.

they're not afraid of conflict but they make up quickly afterwards. they cry out when they are hurt or just when they want attention. they let you you know if they are hungry or lonely. they consider everything a potential plaything. they purr when they're happy. when they're hungry, they eat. when they're thirsty, they drink. when they're tired, they sleep. when it's time to play, they play. when it's time to explore, they explore.

they make the most of every moment. they play hard. and sleep hard. they trade on being cute if it gets them what they want. they are fearless. they climb as high as they can and don't worry about falling. if they tumble down, they just get right back up and try again. they are full of boundless energy and when it runs out, they sleep. no matter where they are. they know that the cat on the bottom isn't necessarily losing. we could learn a lot from kittens.

tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies

what is up with people? why do we constantly tell little white lies? and especially why do we tell little lies that people can easily check (sometimes just with their common sense) and know that they're not true? i do it myself. sometimes it's to protect someone's feelings, or to avoid telling a longer version of the story, because it seems like the truth won't really do any good or to protect myself and my own ego. but what seems to be common to all these little white lies is that some fear or other underlies them. fear of hurting someone, fear of rejection, fear of judgement, fear of inadequacy. you might say that little white lies are the key to the construction of our identity.

but what does it mean to have an identity that's full of little lies? the more i think about it, the more i think it's a bad thing.

just to take an example from my own life. when i left the board of the riding club a couple of months ago, i gave the excuse that i felt i was too busy getting my new business up and running and that i didn't have the time and energy to devote to it. while that was the truth, there was more to it than that. i could have easily found time and energy for it, even in the midst of my new business, if i felt that i was listened to and  respected and if i felt that everyone else who was involved was professional and knowledgeable. but the truth was, i thought that the chairman was plain and simple a fool - unprofessional and making the club look bad every time he opened his mouth or posted one of his misspelled missives on the club website. i disagreed with how he treated the kids in the club (shouting at them and threatening them) and how he allowed the club horses to be treated by one of the instructors. i didn't like that no one ever even said a simple thank you when i purchased a pony for the club's use. and then when that pony was mistreated, it was too much for me.  so i took my pony home and i left the board and in doing so, i only told part of the truth.  because i thought telling the whole truth of why i was leaving wouldn't do any good. i decided on behalf of these people that they wouldn't get anything out of knowing the truth.

and i've been so mad at myself ever since. it makes me uncomfortable every time i'm there and see those people - because i still harbor ill feelings that i didn't get the chance to clear out. and i perhaps also did them a disservice by not telling the truth and letting them learn from it or do with it whatever they would. i took away their chance to react and learn. so my little white lie - or more my half-truth, actually ended up negating everyone's chance to grow, including my own.

i'm going to really make an effort  to curb the totally unnecessary white lies (i'm a consultant, sorry, i can't do away with all of them) - especially the ones that make me feel bad in the long run.

what white lies do you tell? and how does it make you feel?

* * *

these introspective posts are part of a really great project that i'm working on. 

it has to do with this.

and i will tell you more about it soon.

confronting your inner demons

apparently studies suggest that up to 80% of our actions are driven by fear. that's a pretty scary thought. and it's no wonder so many people go down with stress. and if it's that high (i do need to check these studies myself), we're obviously driven by fear without even realizing it. i wonder if they count eating as fear-driven? fear of starvation causes us to make dinner night after night.

i'm trying to tune into that fear a bit more these days - especially where my reactions are concerned. and i'm realizing along the way how DAMAGED we are by the corporations we've worked for (and by we i mean me, but i'm absolutely certain i'm not alone). the way that companies work today is very bad for us - blame cultures, management-by-fear, competition within teams, even bonus-based systems - it's making monsters of all of us. and i'm a bit frightened by how easily those habits i learned in a corporate setting kick in as soon as i'm pressed.

i know, i know, i've written about this before, but it continues to be a struggle. a struggle to be a kinder, gentler person, while still being strong and competent and very good at what i do. and wondering sometimes how on earth to balance those things? why does being good at something so often have to equal arrogance and haughtiness? i don't want to be that way anymore. so i guess i've got to get to the bottom of those fears. but that's also a process. possibly one that will take years.  but they say recognizing the issue is the first step. (why do they never talk about the second, third and fourth steps? i think they're the hardest.) so i guess i'll keep taking these steps, baby-sized as they are.

it's not easy to shift your paradigms, but watching this the other day helped my thinking about it. of course, it's a TED talk. thanks elizabeth for sharing it.