tidying up

it's been raining all weekend, so i've been stuck inside, on a mission to tidy up and clean. i hadn't done more than the very bare minimum since my back troubles began back in october. but today, all the rugs were taken out (between showers) and shaken. cobwebs vacuumed up, shelves dusted with a damp, soapy cloth and a bit of rearranging of beloved items. the entryway is still where we stack our shoes and hang our coats, but it's much more inviting.

i got on such a roll, that i tackled my desk area, where papers had piled up and dust had accumulated and spiders had built major real estate. i put away most of the lego from my desk area, realizing at long last that having it there made me more sad than happy. i replaced it with things i wanted to look at instead - my favorite scale with the little birds on top, a bobbaloo, my 2016 happiness jar (which i'd also neglected for a few months), a stack of moleskines, some of the pots i made in ceramics class. objects that bring me joy.

and tho' that little adjacent hallway needs a good once-over on the shelves and the stacks of paper all sorted, it was pretty awesome to clear up my desk area. it had a clearing effect on my head as well. funny how the clutter around us clutters our minds. and then it hit me, while i was vacuuming, that i wasn't worried about my back. for the first time in nearly 9 months, i really wasn't worried about my back. i felt strong and capable and, dare i say, normal again. all that yoga is paying off.

but i also credit it to a long and deep conversation i had on tuesday evening with an old friend. it loosened something in me and i was able, after far too long, to let go of both physical and psychological pain and begin to move forward once again. i don't know if we even talked about anything all that deep - there was a lot of laughter and quite a bit of wine - but it somehow shifted something in me. i don't know if i'll be who i was before (are we ever?), but i feel more like myself again. and after wondering whether i ever would again, it's a big relief.

and on that note, i'm off to tidy the kitchen.

christmas angst

christmas angst. every year, i declare i won't have it and every year, i have it. of course, it's deserved to an extent - i still have a pile of presents for my parents sitting here on the sideboard, not sent. ditto my sister. i tell myself it makes it more exciting to get unexpected presents in january. or february. but i hope i won't wait that long. what is it with me and procrastination?

i found out this afternoon that we were expected already today at the more local family christmas to-do. i never knew that (husband made the arrangements and obviously didn't adequately communicate them). but because of cold weather and bunnies and kitties and chickens that need their water thawed twice a day, we had never planned to go already today - it's just too long to leave all the animals home alone. but i have to admit that now i'm very worried that they're thinking we're horrible not to be there. which may sound like i'm a little paranoid and over-reacting, but we are talking here about a person who didn't speak to us for a couple of years because of a misunderstanding over a handful of smoked shrimp, so you never know.

but we're as ready as we're going to be. presents and goodies are packed, as well as good humor. let's hope that's enough. and if not, it's only one day. but i do just once wish for a christmas free of anxiety.

a sustainable life

this whole move we made in the past year to our farm property was a major part of a decision to live a more sustainable lifestyle, so that's a topic we discuss around here quite a lot (often in the context of me being browbeaten for just acquiring a shiny new apple product). i also have a couple of friends who i discuss it with quite a lot - we send article links and have long email and in-person discussions about recycling, upcycling, thrifting, produce that's in season and local, the danish view on being green and ways in which communities are adjusting themselves to a more sustainable way of being. in that connection, we decided to take our conversation public and how better to do that than with a blog?

so i hereby give you a sustainable life. please come and join our conversation.

make do and mend or how's that not buying stuff in 2010 going?

darning socks

during our visit to the open air museum, husband and i were struck again and again with just how few belongings people had. it appeared that most people had a large chest and a bed. other furniture - stiff couches and uncomfortable chairs - reflected that people didn't spend much time sitting indoors. they were undoubtedly too busy working outdoors or in the kitchen. and everywhere, on long, enviably-patina-ed tables there were handmade projects - sewing, knitting, mending. and it made me think of the book i've just read - make do and mend - which is a reprint of the leaflets that came out in England during WWII. leaflets on how to make your fuel and clothing coupons stretch as far as possible - saving money and reworking clothing to extend its usability. very interesting reading.

newspaper-lined shelves

i thought a lot as we went through the museum and i coveted heavy mixing bowls and those fantastic wooden dough raising troughs, about how people had good quality things and used them for years. and i remembered, with a bit of shame, my vow not to buy extraneous things in 2010. funny that, in what i decided would be a year of not consuming, we've bought a house, a car, a horse and an iPad and i may just have accidentally ordered a new 13" macbook air, which i'm anxiously awaiting the arrival of next week. it's HARD not to consume.

community knitting

i fear, after reading make do and mend, that what it would take for us not to consume is another period of rationing. we have to be forced not to do it, because our entire society is built around the notion of consumption - temptations abound around us. and i'm vulnerable to those temptations. the whisper of a lightweight, fast, not to mention gorgeous, laptop was just too irresistible for me. so, suddenly finding myself with the money for it (thank you norwegian tax authorities for giving me back a nice chunk of my money), i was utterly unable to stop myself from ordering it immediately.

knitting basket

i would truly love to get to the point where i am able to resist such temptations, but i fear as long as i have the disposable income, i will be tempted. and i will fall. this time headlong into a gorgeous, state-of-the-art macbook air. i just wish i could fall into a darning basket a little more often.

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and check out my contribution to the window project

an interview with amy of tilting windmills

i was so pleased that amy wanted to be interviewed, because she's been at the country lifestyle for a bit longer than i have. we have in common a house for sale (ours is thankfully now sold and hers rented) and a desire for a simpler life more filled with animals and gardening. so i jumped at the chance to ask her a few questions about how she's getting along with all of that. so read what she had to say and do check her blog and flickr photostream - she's also part of the blog camp 365 flickr group.

1. tell us what's going into your garden boxes at the moment? and how many people receive them per week?

This week we had loads of cucumbers (both English and mini ones), swiss chard, Italian squash, zucchini, baby bell peppers and tomatillos! We are doing the boxes for four families. There is another family that's been helping us with the garden and the two of us eat our fill and put up plenty for the off season too. This is the first year we have tried our mini CSA. It's been a great learning experience and a lot of fun. We actually have a waiting list of interested people for next year!

2. are the chickens really worth it, despite being utterly brainless?

Hmmm utterly brainless to take care of or they're utterly brainless (editorial note: chickens not that smart) ? Either way the answer is Yes! We've loved having them and Sidney is very attached. It is fascinating to watch them in their interactions with each other and us. We have two that are two years old and they'll come right up and hop on your lap. Then this year we got 15 babies. One of the hens grew up to be a rooster so we get to listen to him crow, which does seem to add further to the ambiance here :) One of the young ones laid her first egg yesterday! Come fall we'll be adding eggs to our weekly farm boxes for everyone!

3. what's the most essential utensil in your kitchen?

I love my Kitchenaid mixer. I use it all of the time!

4. which garden goodness that you've put up do you most enjoy in the dead of winter?

That's a tough one. I'd have to say the butternut squash, it's so sweet, warm and comforting and takes the whole season to grow. A close second would be the loads of fresh pesto I've made and frozen.

5. if you were going to run away and escape from it all, where would you go?

I grew up in Southern California, right near the ocean. I love the water. I think my best escape would be to a lake where I can just relax and listen to the water gently lapping on the shore.

6. can you give me some canning advice? or a good pickle recipe?

Something I've just learned, you don't need the bread and butter pickle spice mix. Do the whole shebang from scratch. It makes amazing pickles, I think I just might enter a jar of these in the fair next year :)

12 large cucumbers
12 large onions
1 Pt. white vinegar
1 C. brown sugar
1 tsp. mustard seed
1 tsp, celery seed
1/2 tsp. ground ginger
1 tsp. turmeric
1 tsp. salt
1/4 tsp. black pepper


Peel the onions. Wash and thinly slice onions and cucumbers. Place in a solution of 1 qt. water mixed with 1/4 C. canning salt. Cover with ice and allow to stand in brine for 3 hours.


Combine vinegar, brown sugar, mustard and celery seed and bring to boil. Add ginger, turmeric, salt and pepper.


Drain cucumber & onion mixture (do not rinse). Pack into clean hot jars and cover with hot liquid mixture. Place on 2 part lids to seal and process in a boiling water bath. 15 minutes for quarts or 10 minutes for pints.

7. how's your fabric stash coming along?

Ohhh it's growing quite nicely, thank you (Sid's is too)! Now I just need my own 'blue room.' I can see I'm quickly going to outgrow my dining room. In fact, I'm hosting a dinner party outside (in some crazy humidity) this weekend, just to keep my craft room intact ;)

8. what prompted your decision to move to the countryside to try to live a simpler life?

I've always been drawn to the country. B grew up on a farm in Kansas, and though he didn't want to farm per se, we wanted our own type of farming experience. It began to come together just before we had our daughter, Sidney. We had a business opportunity that would move us closer to the small town experience that we wanted for our kids. When we first moved to Wisconsin, there wasn't that perfect property available and we soon got sucked into the day to day of owning and running a business, and our son came along too. Just when we weren't looking, we came across the perfect property just over 3 years ago. Now our kids are growing up with plenty of space to run and an intimate understanding of our environment and how to take care of it. For us, we're beginning to realize our dreams of sustainability.

9. has it been as you expected it to be?

Everything and more. It's a lot of hard work, but at the end of the day, it's ours. We take ownership of it, nurture it and will pass it down.

10. how have your ideas of living a simpler life evolved since you began?

I think that once you immerse yourself in this lifestyle, you begin to find that the simpler life isn't always simple to attain. It's a series of trials and errors, dreams and visions, and time (sometimes frustrating when you're the type of person who sees the vision and wants to enact the whole thing right now)! It is an amazing experience and like B always says: It's a marathon, not a sprint. A good mantra for me, to calm my impatience as we continue on the journey.

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thank you, amy, for sharing some your thoughts on the journey towards simplicity. every little bit helps! and for someone who wanted to simplify and spend this year not buying anything, i've not done so well: so far in 2010, we've bought a house, a car and a horse. and an iPad. and iPhones for everyone in the family. so you can see, i need all the help i can get!

wind is the new oil

NOTE: this is a guest column written for my dad for a little weekly newspaper in the town where i grew up. dad owned the paper for 35 years before selling it a decade or so ago to the woman who had worked for him for most of those years. he still works there every day and writes a weekly column. this week, he ordered politely asked me to write it for him. i found myself having to write it here in this blogger compose space, in order for the words to flow, so i thought i'd share it with all of you as well. plus, i thought you'd all like to see that i am indeed capable of capital letters...

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earth art from the COP15 meeting in copenhagen

Over the past year, my husband and I began to think about living a more environmentally responsible life. Last December, Copenhagen hosted the COP15 United Nations environment meeting and so for the past year, our newspapers have had an environmental slant to all of the stories. Although the meeting was a disappointment on a political front, we found that it had us thinking about ways we could, as individuals, do our part towards ensuring that the planet we leave to our daughter Sabin isn't a complete disaster.

One of the first things I did was leave a job I'd had for two years in Norway. I was flying to work on a bi-weekly basis from our home in Denmark and that just didn't seem like the most environmentally responsible thing to do, so I decided to get a job in the country where I lived. An opportunity arose for both my husband and I in a renewable energy company that manufactures wind turbines. That seemed to both of us like a good way to take action.

house with a 10-year plan

Taking the new jobs mean that we had to move across the country. Denmark is about the size of Wisconsin, so this move isn't as dramatic as it sounds. At the same time, we decided to follow our dream of getting a farmhouse with a bit of land where we could have a big garden and a few animals and although we have no desire to go completely self-sufficient, to be more self-sufficient than we are today. We found a place with an old and rather falling-down house that was built in 1895 that sits on about 11 acres of land. We have a ten-year plan for restoration of the house, but we are definitely in love with the property, which includes one end of a small lake.

our little corner of the lake

What it all means is that we have room for a big garden, where we can grow all kinds of our own vegetables and put them up, thereby eating a more locovore diet. We're going to have chickens and raise a couple of pigs as well, because it feels much better knowing where the eggs and bacon come from and what they were fed and knowing that they lived a good life. We live much closer to work than we did - only about 8 miles away. That means that my husband can bike and although I drive, it's much better on the environment than flying to work like I did for the past two years.

When we do our renovations, we're looking to use as many recycled materials as we can and to build in ways that make the house as energy-efficient as possible. We're researching having our own little 2-3KW wind turbine, with the intention of eventually going off the grid, or perhaps selling our excess energy back into it. We're finding that even though Denmark is very far ahead on the wind energy front (Vestas, a Danish company, is the world's #1 wind turbine producer (for now)), the legislation is lagging a bit behind as far as the individual consumer is concerned, but even that is changing.

near Charles City, Iowa

It's very encouraging to drive across Iowa and South Dakota and see big wind farms dotting the landscape. I know there's work to be done here on the infrastructure, but it's a good sign that the wind farms are being built. Today, 20% of the energy in Denmark is produced by wind farms, both on- and offshore and they have a goal of being 100% on renewable energy by 2030. It's my impression that in Denmark, there are more small wind installations -- of 2-3 turbines -- and it would be nice to see that coming here as well. A small town could put up 4-5 turbines and surely go a long way to producing the needed power. Of course, power in this area is already renewable hydro-electric power, so it's not as much of an issue here near the river. But we sure do have the wind for it around here.

It's interesting after a number of years in the maritime industry, where I learned quite a lot about the transport of fossil fuels (oil, LNG, LPG and other petroleum products), to come into the wind industry, which feels like there's a new gold rush going on. I keep saying wind is the new oil and there is definitely a cowboy mentality in the industry - a pioneering spirit of trying all sorts of innovative solutions (gearless turbines are a big one, and the sheer size of the turbines is another - our company's largest are 3.6 megawatts with 58-meter (190-foot) blades). There's a heady feeling that must have been there in the early days of the oil business and it's very interesting to be part of it.

a simplify update

sometimes you have to buy something in order to not buy something.  buy it to not buy it, as it were. i recently wrote over on domestic sensualist about the dinner box that we order from the company that delivers our weekly friday box of organic veg. we've been subscribers to this veggie box for more years now than i can count and in the interest of being a locovore, i've been quite faithful to the "dogme" kasse - which features only danish-produced veg. i'll admit it's a bit hard to stay faithful to all that root veg here through the winter, so when årstiderne introduced these mealtime boxes, i switched.

the idea with the box is that you get three full meals (two of the meals stretch to leftovers and a second day, so it's not a 3-meal box, but more like a 5-meal box) - meat, veg, condiments, even bread, pasta, quinoa and the like. today is the fourth week we've had it. and it may sound rather expensive at 445 kroner per week ($82), but what i've figured out is that i'm spending FAR less on groceries overall. all i've bought this week at the store is milk, bread and cucumbers (the child goes through cucumbers like you wouldn't believe), nutella (ditto that on the child), some tea and a big tub of greek yogurt. in a normal week, i'd probably spend 100-150 ($20-35) kroner per day at the grocery store, just buying whatever struck me for dinner. now, the dinner ideas are already here at home and the daily grocery store total is under 50 ($10) kroner. and bear in mind everything in the box is organic, so i don't have to worry about chasing that down at the store (it can be hard to find certain items).

this week's box has a whole organic chicken, a package of cubed bacon and a package of ground beef. additionally, there is fresh full grain pasta, grated topping cheese, a jar of capers and a container of vegetable juice (bloody marys for friday evening anyone?). the veg includes carrots, potatoes (they are always there), one of those celery roots of which i'm not that fond, tho' they add good flavor to a soup, some greens, a head of very fresh lettuce, tomatoes, a lemon, 3 medium onions, a big handful of fresh lovely ginger, a zucchini, a cauliflower, and a red pepper. that's actually quite a lot of food for the money. as an extra i ordered danish-milled flour in durum and spelt so we can make bread this weekend. the box comes with three suggested recipes and they've totally gotten me out of what had been a cooking slump, inspiring me to spend and enjoy my time in the kitchen again. and if you factor in the value of your time and not spending as much of it standing in line at the grocery store, because they bring the box right to your door, the box is very good value for money.

other than that on the simplify front, i've been very good about not buying things. i've kept my fabric purchases to a minimum (i haven't given them up completely, after all, i am making birds for sale now, and i have a baby quilt order, so it's arguably a business expense). i've bought no electronics (so the iPad isn't out yet) and no clothes or shoes, despite everything being on sale. there was a panic last-minute lego buy for sabin's birthday, but the child needs birthday presents and lego is a good investment.

they made fun of me at blog camp, saying i'd decided not to buy stuff i already had and didn't really need and that i'm not imposing any really hard restrictions on myself. and to an extent that's true, but the exercise has made me more conscious of what we spend our money on and more concerned about buying quality and not crap. i think twice before grabbing those big fluffy towels that are on special because really, we don't need any more towels. and i've restrained from buying any new model iPods (tho' i'm certain my restraint will not extend to the iPad once it's released here), because one for every room of the house is enough.

it's also true that i've just not really been tempted at all to buy things, since it's been so snowy and i've mostly been at home. there is a whole world of shopping out there on the internet, but aside from the odd fabric purchase (hello fabricworm), i've exercised remarkable restraint - nothing at all from amazon (for me, i did order some of sabin's birthday prezzies there) and not a single sheet of pretty paper.  i do have my eye on a gorgeous crocheted blanket, but have thus far restrained (tho' i could easily talk myself into it in the interest of it having been made by a cooperative that's helping women in a cape town shantytown) because of the not buying it project.

i've also been doing a better job of looking around at what i already have when i'm going to make something...from the embellishments on my birds to fabric that could be made into a dress i keep dreaming about, to the japanese pattern books i have lying around, waiting for me to learn japanese. i think i'll have to make that dress today, to get it out of my system, making it in my dreams twice should actually make it sew up rather quickly. i'm off to do that and some more birds. i didn't get any up on etsy yesterday because i ran out of stuffing. but i should get some up this weekend. i'll put a note here when they're up.

resisting...

it seems that during the christmas season there are many pressures. a whirlwind of gifts and relatives and friends and food and cookies. and you either succumb to the pressures and dash around like a madwoman, trying to get that perfect last-minute present, the last ingredients for the perfect christmas dinner, the most beautiful centerpiece for your christmas table, or you resist all of that.

this year, i'm resisting. for the most part, we have what we need, so we're not going mad with presents (if you don't count the small fortune i spent on new clothes for sabin in noa noa). we've just had our weekend of julefrokosts, so the family and friends bit is mostly behind us. we've been baking for the past week, so we've got a supply of christmas cookies laid in. those lovely people who bring my weekly organic box also brought an organic duck and a big, beautiful pork roast (both essential ingredients in the danish christmas dinner), so we're set as far as the food is concerned. i bought some hyacinths and i'm making my own table centerpiece. so the resisting is going well so far. and in fact, i've even managed to resist  some other stuff:

~  christmas cards - i really don't do christmas cards. this isn't a new resistance, i've basically never done christmas cards. i always find those letters, outlining all of the achievements of the family over the past year and with overly sentimental and possibly hollow wishes for you to have a successful new year (so that your christmas letter next year can too be filled with glowing reports of little johnny's early acceptance to harvard and the like), to be...well...a bit braggy and ultimately empty. there, i said it. maybe i'm scrooge, but i don't want to send out such a letter and honestly, nor do i want to receive them. which isn't to say that i don't appreciate the sentiment behind the cards i receive (which are fewer and fewer each year, as people realize we don't send them back and put us in their grudge books), but i'm not willing able to reciprocate. i just don't have it in me. maybe i'm just bad at polite gestures. (and spud, bambi and bee, i'm not talking about you here...i love that you sent cards, i just didn't send one back.)

~  teacher gifts - i've seen a lot of references of late to people frantically getting their teacher gifts ready to go. and i have to say that we are very fortunate that that's not the norm here in denmark. so no pressure to give an elaborate gift to the teacher to keep her well-disposed to the child. since we didn't HAVE to do it, we did give sabin's teacher (who we love) one of our sweet little birds. and the riding teacher that was leaving also got one. but it felt much better for the fact that we weren't obligated to do it.

crappy picture taken from great distance in dark church at high ISO and then cropped within an inch of its life.

~  nativity chic - spud wrote not long ago about the nativity chic craze sweeping the UK. it sounded like utter madness - people spending up to 150£ on costumes for their child's appearance in the yearly nativity play. sabin was in a nativity play too and all it meant was that we had to roll out of bed rather early on sunday morning. sabin was one of the lesser-known characters - the christmas heart (julehjertet) - and all costumes were provided by the church. on this one, i'll admit i would like to have made an elaborate and much more fabulous costume for her myself, but i am grateful that the setup itself made it easy for me to resist this.

~ keeping up with the joneses hansens - we met a group of new people yesterday at a little christmas afternoon gathering at some friends of ours. there were three other couples there, all chatting and open and really nice (rather pleasantly undanish of them, actually, tho' all were danes). they were talking about trips taken and trips on the horizon. skiing in france just after christmas. a tour around thailand. visits to shanghai for mad shopping sprees. and it surprised me that i didn't feel any need at all to compete. i don't feel the least bit bad that we're going to be home this christmas, with our own crackling fire and the smells of duck roasting in the oven. i like to ski, but honestly, traipsing to france when the snow is beautiful here at home just doesn't appeal. and so i realized that all of that thinking about simplicity is working. i'll admit that maybe i've also reached a place where i'm comfortable in the knowledge of all the places i've traveled and don't feel any pressure to prove anything. and i realize that makes it much easier.

husband's older daughters were here this weekend and they had a lengthy conversation with their mother over what some or other cousin wanted for christmas. they couldn't remember and couldn't really think of anything original to get for the cousin. so they settled upon a gift card to a shop that has perfume and makeup, so that the cousin could buy what she wanted. and it really underlined for me how out of control the gift thing has become. we're giving gifts because we feel obligated to do so. and far too many people don't put any thought into it - they just ask for a list from the person and get them exactly what's on the list. we far too often just go buy the things we like and think we need, leaving there to be nothing we really wish for when christmas comes. and i think that takes the fun out of it for both giver and receiver. how much fun is it to open your gifts when you know what's in them? and it becomes more drudgery than fun to shop for gifts when you're just going down a pre-determined list.

i want to return to a place where gifts are meaningful. where i give because i found or made something that i know is perfect for that person. i'd rather gives less gifts that have more meaning and i definitely don't want to give some lame gift certificate because i can't be bothered to think of something proper to give. if you don't know the person well enough to be able to know what they'd like, then maybe you have no business giving them a gift in the first place? i really think we've come to a bad place in our evolution when gifts have become an obligation. the whole idea of gifts is lost if that's the case.

dismounts from soap box....

i hope that your christmas season is filled with love and laughter and good food and crackling fireplaces and time spent with people you love.

o christmas tree, o christmas tree...

the world is covered in a blanket of fresh, white, fluffy snow. and while that brings joy to my heart and makes everything seem fresh and new, it also keeps me indoors because it's pretty friggin' cold out there to go with it (-7C). it'll also make it a bit problematic for getting our christmas tree this weekend, because how do you shake all that snow off before you bring it in the house?

last year's tree

and i've been thinking about the christmas tree. for years (and i mean like 20 years), i've been collecting shiny purple ornaments, adding a few new ones every year. and there are many that are meaningful and which i love getting out year after year, but suddenly, this year i'm not sure purple feels right. and most of what i've got for the tree definitely isn't handmade (except for that nordic sun symbol that's on top) and i'm in this handmade mode and wondering how to reconcile that with my glitzy purple tree. especially since i haven't made any ornaments this year and it's getting a bit late if i should embark on that now.

when you think about how nature can decorate the trees, it seems rather pathetic to even try to trim the tree with all that fake glitz and spangle, even as much as i love shiny things.  maybe next year i'll felt a bunch of old sweaters into homey new ornaments, like trinsch did. maybe i'll go out to the blue room and make up a few of the spool birdies and it'll make me feel a bit better.

but i sound a bit more depressed than i mean to and than i really feel...i'm looking forward to christmas. sabin loves it so much and i've gotten her some really nice clothes and some games and lego and some fun stocking stuffers (think robots) that she will love. we'll have wonderful food with friends and family, starting already tomorrow. we've been baking up a storm while it stormed outside. so really it's all good. i think i'm just trying to reconcile my new thoughts on consumption with the old me and with tradition. it's a journey, what can i say?

changing priorities

as you know, i've been doing a lot of thinking about how to simplify our life. it's partially because i don't want a high-powered office-politics game-playing type job anymore and that means that we'll have less money to frivolously throw away every month. and it's partially because i no longer want to frivolously throw away money every month on crap that i don't really need and which has been produced in a way that doesn't respect our planet. and although i love collecting and stashing, i don't want so much clutter in my life (and my brain) anymore. but mostly, with all of the talk about climate change here in the lead-up to the COP15 meeting, i have realized that i want to live in a more sustainable way. i want to throw less away and waste less. i want to make the purchases i make in a more deliberate, less impulsive manner (good luck with that aries girl).

so over the past week, i've been trying to put myself into the simplicity mindset when i'm out and about. and what struck me is that it makes me feel poor. and i realized that i don't like that. but now i know that's the main notion and feeling that i need to work on. because while spending less money would be a nice side effect of this endeavor, it's not actually the main goal. the main goal is living a more deliberate, meaningful life that's better in balance and harmony with the world around me. because i want there to be a clean, healthy planet for sabin to inherit.

but i think i'm so conditioned to consume that not consuming makes me feel strange.

i want to do this, but i don't want to feel poor or like i'm withdrawing from society at large or living a hermetic existence, but i think it's a bit of a balancing act. because i want there to be shops and restaurants and bakeries and butchers and fishmongers in my community. which means i have to support them by being a customer. but how do i transition to being a more responsible customer? and if i end up having a shop of my own, how can i be a responsible shop owner?

i don't have all the answers, but these are the questions i'm struggling with as we get ready to embark on a year of mindful consumption.

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p.s. i haven't forgotten about picking my favorite comment from the voice post, it's just a bit more difficult than i thought it would be because there were some very interesting thoughts. but a result is coming soon! maybe even later today...

tripping down memory lane

i'm clearing a whole lot of boxes out of the attic. i had saved loads of sabin's baby clothes up there, for some unknown reason. perhaps for a sibling that never materialized. perhaps because they seemed so precious i couldn't bear to part with them. perhaps saving them for a rainy day. maybe because in my last life, i was in the siege of leningrad. maybe i'm part squirrel? or maybe just because i'm an incurable packrat.  but in any case, i've gotten them down and i'm going through them. i've decided it's time to wash them all up and save the ones i want to use to make her a quilt of her baby and toddler life and to donate the rest.

and i'm finding it strangely difficult. all those sweet little bitty clothes that i remember her wearing. it brings tears to my eyes to see them again and think of all the times i dressed her in them and washed them and folded them. remembering occasions when she wore them. me, feeling sentimental, imagine that? i hate sentimental, but i can't help it. just looking at these little shoes makes me tear up like a big baby. and i'm honestly not sure i can part with them. what is it about them? some lucky little girl out there could probably really use them, the toes are scuffed a little bit, but it's nearly in a charming way and there's really a lot of use left in them. they should be of use to someone, not tucked away in a box in our attic. i wish i could think of a way to incorporate them into a quilt that's a topography of her life thus far, but one doesn't spring readily to mind. why oh why is it so hard to face giving them away?

it's a bit strange, because i love the big girl sabin is becoming and in many ways don't miss her babyhood. i love how much she does for herself and how much fun she is now - she was also fun then, but in a different, more needy way. but tiny little clothes and shoes are just so sweet. now her big old long toes poke holes out the ends of her tights, back then, they were just so sweet and little. maybe that's it, i just have a thing for miniature things. maybe i'll just keep the red shoes and donate the rest (including the most precious pair ever of silver and pink nike shox). i've even got the original box for those. hmm, why is it so hard to let go of things?