Wednesday, January 11, 2017

paranoia and pistols

i try to call mom and she doesn't answer the phone. i guess she's still mad at me for supposedly taking her glasses (which were found, there in her house). i also apparently took that big picture of dad that she puts in the chair with a stuffed cat and a blanket and talks to. but that too was found on her dining table. and does she express remorse for her accusations? apparently not, she experiences only the immediate joy of being reunited with her precious possessions.

was this paranoia and thinking the worst of others always there in my mother or is it the disease? and why me? because i was the last one there, visiting her? perhaps she associates me with the glasses because i was the one who found them for her, stuffed into a paper bag in their cases, just before i left, so i was imprinted on her mind along with them. or maybe, all of the furniture from her basement that has peopled my various apartments and which was freely and generously given by her, has imprinted me on her brain as the one who comes and takes things away. maybe this is why she can hurl wild accusations of her thieving daughter around. and i can't say that they don't hurt, even while i know they're not true. who is this person and who does she think i am?

it's this paranoia and thinking the worst of people that made me worry about all the guns in that house. her expired permit to carry a concealed weapon (incidentally not a photo id) was on the table in the living room, but that didn't stop her from loading two heavy bowling ball-sized bags full of guns and ammo into her car the other day (turns out she had a new permit there among her stacks of mail). i don't know what she was planning to do with them, but i had visions of her shooting her  beautiful granddaughter in a haze of paranoia one day. and it takes my breath away to even write that. that said, i have also laughed hysterically over my pistol-pakkin' mama. if you're not laughing, you're crying with this disease.

the guns are packed safely away now, so the horror scenario that flashed across my mind isn't going to happen. but undoubtedly many others will with this cruel disease. i have to grow a thicker skin.

4 comments:

Elizabeth said...

sorry to hear all of this j. .. still very glad that all the guns are no longer within her reach .. one doesn't want any accident to happen ... this is a very cruel disease j. .. good luck!

celkalee said...

What I have observed is that basic personality traits remain mostly intact but the filters and the boundaries will erode. Often a person will use vulgar language when they didn't before or malign the person they most admire. Seeking some kind of balance, if only for the moment, is common. A negative response to just about every one is also typical. That is fear. Yes, you will need to strengthen your resolve. This is illness, not choice. It is tragic.

julochka said...

@elizabeth - it's so cruel. and we definitely need luck. thank you!

@celkalee - the filters are definitely eroded. and if i think about it, have been eroding for some time. only i didn't see it for what it was. but damn, it's so hard not to be hurt by it.

Susan Dougill said...

Paranoia is a horrible part of the disease. I am afraid anger and blame is another part. They usually blame the person closest to them as they come to mind first. I know it's easy to say but try not to be too hurt, it's the disease affecting the brain.