i love how the interwebs go a bit mad when there's a date that has a ring to it - 11.11.11. those ones look so clean and pretty all lined up like that. so we ascribe all sorts of meaning to them. prime numbers, those 1s, so they must bring luck or change or good things somehow, if we just wish hard enough. or big enough.
again, i find myself thinking about words. and how they shape our world and most especially our model of the world - the one in each of our heads. the one we constantly work so hard to make true - finding in all of the people and actions and events around us, things which confirm that model. the model becomes bigger than reality. and it's all shaped by words and the significance we give them.
yesterday i had a moment of encountering my model of the world and especially of the culture around me and it was eye-opening. i had a lightning-like realization that my particular model was holding me back and causing me a great deal of anguish and unnecessary unhappiness, as i strive constantly to make it true. and i realized as well that i need to build a new model, but first, i had to think about where the bad one came from.
and my conclusion is that words really matter. my model is the result of a lot of things...those grim-faced women who ran over me with their big-ass prams and didn't even thinking of apologizing who i encountered in my early days in denmark. those doors that weren't held open an extra beat as i approached, but instead dropped in my face as if i were invisible. all those mornings on the train with the same people who never once said good morning or nodded an acknowledgement that we saw one another every morning. the public political rhetoric of the past decade that has demonized anyone foreign in denmark. these experiences and the words i have used to describe them have all shaped a model in my head that leaves me feeling pretty miserable at times and which hobbles me and makes me afraid to act, because i'm so loathe to encounter, once again, a situation that leaves me feeling invisible.
i've carefully constructed a barrier around me, to protect myself from such situations. and in doing so, have quite effectively blocked myself from many undoubtedly positive experiences. i realize that it's pretty exhausting, this trying to make everything and everyone fit what is essentially a negative model. so here, on 11.11.11, i've decided to tear down the old one and construct a new model. one which opens more possibilities for me. and leaves me much more open to happiness and genuine interaction with the people around me.
and just having seen my inner model of the world for what it is, just for a brief few seconds yesterday and realizing that i not only need to, but CAN change it, makes me feel immensely lighter. and somehow, tho' it's just words, 11.11.11 seems like an auspicious date to begin.
