saddle up

no idea why that twine is tied on there, but it doesn't appear to be holding the saddle together.

if i had a dollar (or even just a kroner) for every minute of energy i've wasted trying to figure out other people's motives, i'd never have to work again. there's pretty much nothing i waste more time on...wondering about why people do the things they do and trying to put it into some sort of logical framework that enables me to deal with it, if only in my own head. many times, this energy is completely wasted because ultimately, it's really hard to tell why people do the things they do. and sometimes even asking them (which would, i admit, save me a lot of wasted energy if i did it a bit more often) doesn't help.

case in point:  some months ago, when our horse was still stabled over at our neighbors' place, they offered that we could have a look at some of their old saddles and try them out and see if one would fit matilde. so recently, i went over and took a couple of the saddles to try. they were up on the highest pegs in the tack room, dusty and obviously unused for years, even a little bit musty-smelling. they're good brands and were very nice saddles when they were new, but both are, shall we say...well broken-in and probably at least 20 years old. i actually didn't mind, as they still have a lot of good left in them and i figured that it would mean that they would be in an affordable price range.

then, we went to a lot of trouble to have a saddle fitter come out and help us decide whether either of the saddles would work on matilde. she actually came out twice (the first time, she was called away halfway through because her own horse was colicking and she had to go home) and we tried the saddles, finally settling on one of them. it's not perfect, but the tree fits (that's difficult to change, so it's important) and with some extra padding and moving the cinch straps, it would be a good match for both sabin and matilde and we could use it for several years to come. thankfully, i had the wherewithal to ask the saddle fitter how much she thought the saddle should cost. i had a figure in my head of what i had seen similar saddles for in my research online and what i thought they would ask for it. the saddle fitter, who knows the market well and can tell by looking roughly how old a saddle is, told me not to pay more than a certain amount for such an old saddle - that amount was well below the amount in my head, so i was glad to have asked her.

then, i went back to the neighbor to report on how it had gone and what the saddle fitter had said and i asked them if they'd thought about a price. and the price they came back with was TWICE the price the saddle fitter said should be the most we should pay. and i have to admit that i feel really badly about this. first, i'm mad at myself for not asking them to name a price when i picked up the saddles (actually, i did, but they said they needed to think about it).  if i'd known what they wanted, i wouldn't have gone through the whole process with the saddle fitter - wasting her time and ours (not to mention her fee).

what's bothering me about it is that i can't figure out the neighbors' motives. did they not want to sell the saddle in the first place? (if so, why offer it? it wasn't as if this whole thing was my idea.) do they think we're stupid and would just blindly pay the price of a new saddle without looking into what the saddle might be worth? do they need money? or did they simply not know what their saddle was worth in the current market? if that was the case, why not come back with another price, when i thanked them for letting us try the saddles and expressed with some shock that it was double what the saddle fitter had advised we should pay - especially in light of having to spend another considerable sum making the changes necessary so it fits our horse?  i just can't make it make sense.

i actually saw a saddle online that's the same model but which was only 2 years old instead of 20, and in perfect shape - looking pretty much completely new, for which they wanted 1000DKK ($200) less than the neighbor was asking for their old saddle. i do realize that this just a WTF? moment and i should move on, but i have to admit that i'm having trouble with that. it has changed my whole perception of our neighbors and i'm not sure that i can get back to a place where i like them again. not that they were our best friends, but i liked them and thought they were really nice. now i'm not so sure. mistrust has definitely replaced the warm feelings i previously had.

is there some angle on this that i haven't considered in all of my obsessive turning it over in my mind? something which might make it ok?  (i should note that the saddle has never been to the olympics or been, to my knowledge, ridden in by a princess, so that can't be it.)  how can i wash this bad taste out of my mouth?

*  *  *

if you'd like something more inspiring than my long and petty story, watch this.

or read this little magical vignette.

sunrise - sunset

sunrise 

sunset

sunrise, sunset
sunrise, sunset
swiftly fly the years
one season following another
laden with happiness and tears.

(from fiddler on the roof)
(photos from my day)

all i really needed to know about motherhood i learned from a bunny

a nest of bunnies (both white ones still alive at this point)

when i went out to take my daily photo of baby bunny progress, there were only four bunnies in the nest. one of the little white ones was missing. i looked all over for it and finally found it, much to my sadness, cold and stiff, far outside of the nest box. it looks perfect and plump and yet perhaps the mama bunny pushed it out because she could tell there was something wrong with it, something that wasn't visible to the human eye that's just utterly charmed by the nest of furry baby bunnies.

mama mira

thinking that mama knows best, that's our impulse, right? we've been acculturated to think it. and i've been otherwise impressed at the transformation of mira, a rather fluffy and inscrutably expressionless bunny, who i didn't think had a whole lot going on in her little bunny head, into a very good and diligent mama.  i guess there's also an element of hope in the story i've told myself - that she could sense that something was profoundly wrong with her little white bunny baby, and not that she just accidentally knocked it out of the nest box and couldn't be bothered to get it back in.

motherhood is transformative. both mira and molly's thoughtful post on c is for capetown have me pondering that. tho' i am a mother and a blogger, i resist the term mommy blogger, finding it decidedly pejorative. i also find the lists of advice and navel gazing in the mommy blogosphere make me throw up a little bit in my mouth. there's a lot of piety and righteousness and i don't do well with either of those (and don't even get me started on homeschooling).  there's also lots of talk of losing oneself and finding oneself and there's also a whole lot of self-absorbed chat about how to get your old self back.

well, i have news for you. you can't have your old self back. and what's more, you don't even really want her back. you may still have her clothes and they may not fit, but guess what...fashion changes and you needed new clothes anyway. realistically, those clothes are at least a year old and while i'm in favor of choosing lasting pieces that have a timeless quality, just buy some new clothes.

of course, clothes are the least of your worries. here's the deal - you are still who you are, you just added a new dimension in becoming a mom. i had always said i didn't want children. it turns out that the reason i thought that was because until i met husband, i wasn't with a guy that i could see being that tied to (despite years of serial monogamy and long-term relationships and even marrying one of those guys for awhile) for ever and ever. and so when we had sabin, i had a lot of worries about it - like everyone does. but i don't think i ever worried about losing myself.

i worried about not being able to go to the movies or travel or stay up late drinking too much wine and i worried about putting that feeding tube down her nose (she was born 10 weeks early), and i worried about whether it was actually ok that her poo was that color. but those worries soon passed. the hospital taught us how to do the feeding tube (and since she doesn't still use it, it was a temporary thing anyway.) you learn that what you put in the baby comes out of the baby and if what you put in was green, chances are it will be rather green coming out. i stopped caring about whether i'd seen the latest movies and it stopped being important whether i saw them in the theatre or on a plane or on my computer. i found i could still have friends over for dinner and stay up 'til the wee hours solving the world's problems over a bottle (or two) of red wine. and as for travel? the child has been to the philippines five times, dragged across europe on a train, shopped in london and dublin and barcelona and was sent to the US on her own at the age of 7, so travel hasn't been an issue. turns out they have tickets for children.

if, when you have children, you continue to live your life, including your child in that life, it's the best you can do. you can't really lose yourself because, as i commented on molly's blog, you're the one person you can't ever really get away from. you might lose an old version of who you were, but we do that all the time anyway, it's called life and growing and changing. and if there's one thing that doesn't change, it's that we change. our priorities, our desires, our homes...life is change. but if you show your child that you're strong and secure in who you are and that you'll protect and help and cherish them and be there for them when they need you, you'll be the best mom you can be. even mira knows that.

oh the bunny adventures you'll have...

sense of place: civilized sunrise

the sun makes its way slowly (and perhaps a bit lazily) towards the horizon.
blazing a trail of yellow, orange, red and purple more reminiscent of sunset than sunrise.
but sunrise it is.
at the very civilized hour of 7:40 in the morning.

the first frost carpets the grass.

a stillness fills the air, broken only by an occasional bird call.

everyone was sleeping in, even the birds.

smoky puffs of breath hang visible in the air for a moment before dissipating.

cool air rushing in on sleepy lungs,

bringing with it a cool clarity.

there's an expectancy in the air,
waiting for the sun to finally burst over the horizon.
and the day, with all its promise still intact, to begin in earnest.

dear autumn

autumn, you can be discordant and pushy - blustery and demanding attention one second and demurely bathing us all in a golden glow the next. you're nothing if not unpredictable. maybe that's why i like you so much. even tho' your winds are whipping fine drops of rain into my face every time i step outside today, there are also the last bright flowers to be gathered in the garden and brought in to brighten up the indoors.

oh autumn, you're so demanding and real and just so THERE.

thank you for that.

i know what everyone's getting for christmas

our bunny mira surprised us this week, by having FIVE baby bunnies in her first go! and we thought we'd separated her from sophus in time, but apparently bunnies are very fertile and 8 months old isn't too young to have babies. what's even better is that she's obviously doing a very good job of taking care of them, as they're fat, warm and healthy, tho' oddly i've not yet actually seen her IN the nest box with them. all that i've read indicates that's totally normal and they're very active - popping around like popcorn when we uncover them for their photo shoots - so she must be doing a good job. there are three grey and two light ones and we can't wait 'til their eyes are open. i'm sure you'll be seeing more of them in the coming weeks.

friday confession or just another random list

i haven't done a friday confession in ages, so i thought i'd revive that idea and get some things off my chest (despite being a disciple of appleism, not a catholic).

i confess...

...that i was gleeful this week when a little drama worked out against the dramatist. kinda proving that drama isn't all it's cracked up to be. i also confess that it was all i could do not to openly do a little happy dance when the drama queen was put in her place. i actually walked away for awhile, not to be seen looking a little too satisfied.

...i have little time for such dramas anymore and easily become impatient with them.

...that i swear a lot while i'm driving.

...i really, really am not fond of the "let's see how far the car can drive after the gas light comes on" game. (sadly, this seems to be husband's favorite game.)

...i might smother him in his sleep for that.

...i got a lot less done this week than i hoped i would.

...i'm pretty surprised that mira seems to be proving to be a good mama to her 5 baby bunnies. bunny instincts are pretty strong.

...when i was in school and they had that "no running in the halls" rule, i thought that was for the others, but not really for me. so sometimes i ran in the halls. but only if i thought no one was looking.

...i don't talk to my parents often enough.

...that a couple of days this week have really gone by slowly. in a good way.

...i need to do the blog makeover i've been pondering now for a couple of weeks.

...that i don't miss the corporate world. not one little bit.

...i do, however, miss traveling. and planes. and airports.

...i think denmark's new fat tax is pretty lame. i can appreciate needing to do something about public health when you have a state-financed health care system, but shouldn't unhealthy fat products - like potato chips and pork rinds - be what's taxed, rather than basic baking ingredients like butter and cream? they say there was broad political backing for the tax (which is so complicated to calculate that companies have had to hire whole new fleets of accountants), but it seems they neglected to ask whether there was public backing (which i just accidentally spelled baking in a freudian slip) for it. i never heard even a whisper of debate about it.

...i'm happy that it's friday.

happy weekend, one and all.