glorious, healing autumn light

these glorious mornings of spectacular light are precisely what i need to fortify me for the day. breathing in the cool, crisp autumn air, walking through the dew-laden grass, past sparkling spider webs, surrounded by the golden, warm light is the very best start to the day. i'm so happy to have animals to feed so that i get out there and savor these moments every day. some mornings, it's like the golden light flows into my very veins.

some days, i'm more grateful than others for the fortification of the soul that these mornings provide. there are days when it seems like the little things (colleagues who don't return your good morning, loud phone conversations that make it impossible to concentrate, displays of lack of respect for people's depth of knowledge and passion for their work) chip away at your energy, draining it away. but then, i think back to the light and the play of the fog and the cool, crispness of the air, and breathe on through it...letting the memory of the light once again deliver the healing energy and return me to center.

happy weekend, one and all.

a christmas calm

i am unusually calm about christmas. usually, about now, i rush to amazon and panic-order a kitchen-aid mixer. but that doesn't seem to be happening this year. i feel good and calm about the gifts i have for those i love (except for the ones i haven't yet sent to my parents or my sister or my nephews - however, they're used to that, so it's more ok than you might imagine). i picked up husband's gift today...a beautiful handmade knife in a lovely leather sheath (don't worry, he doesn't read my blog - he says he doesn't need to since he gets to talk to me in person). it was so much nicer to go to the artist's lovely home, have a cup of coffee and talk about christmas traditions and life philosophies than to rush around a busy, soulless mall.

and i haven't gone completely nuts for sabin either, unless buying a 10-year-old an iPhone 4S is nuts (we couldn't expect her to go on using her 3GS when the camera's so much better in the new one). she'll also get a few clothes which she needed anyway and some custom bobbaloos of her real-life bunnies (don't worry, she doesn't read my blog either), but there won't be any over-packaged plastic toys in her stocking this year and i'm quite pleased with that.

we're going to be home this year - we have spotted a tree on our property that we'll cut down tomorrow and bring in, then we'll drink mulled wine and decorate it together on the 24th (which the danes mistakenly think is actual christmas). i bought a lovely, plump duck, so we'll have that with roasted veg and eat ris a'lamande for dessert, like the danes do.  we'll light candles and watch movies and play games and go for a walk (snow or no), feed the animals, play with the bunnies, gather the eggs, give matilde her new blanket and some carrots.

it feels like it will be a calm, warm, restorative time. and that must be what it's supposed to be about.

quietly zen saturday

from yesterday's jacabunny photoshoot

it's saturday morning, the laundry is underway, the dishes done, the living room is rearranged. the bird feeder is full and the birds are swarming it. bunnies and kitties are fed. there's a fresh pot of tea steeping.

tho' the t.v. is tuned to discovery travel & living in the other room and i keep hearing that ad for the show about women who didn't know they were pregnant 'til they were giving birth (really?! really?!) and the constant click of the camera as sabin stages a photoshoot with our kit lane jacabunnies (apparently the 472 pictures she took yesterday weren't enough), it feels quiet and calm around here.

i have a strong suspicion that the cat, in her catch-and-release program, has released a mouse under the shelf just to the right of my desk. she's spending an inordinate amount of time swiping a paw under there and she doesn't usually do that.

but i'm feeling quite zen about the whole thing.  calm and settled.

it's good to be home after a few whirlwind days in copenhagen with bloggy goddess gwen (you may remember her from woman on the verge and not really) and her kids. we had so much fun and so much food and we all bought legwarmers.

i feel a bit of time out of the house always settles me down. i need experiences that are outside the norm in order to appreciate those that are the norm. like a steaming cup of tea and a calm saturday morning.

asking what if?

what if?

...we looked at the world from a different angle?

...things just fell into place as they should?

...people got to do that which they were meant to do?

...my neck didn't hurt?

...we knew exactly what direction to go?

...beautiful things appeared, fully formed, in our imaginations?

...the snow melted and snowdrops burst forth?

...the sun shined?

...there was time for all of the important things?

...someone brought me a steaming, fragrant cup of milky, sweet tea?

...the whole house smelled of cinnamon buns?

some of these are already true and i have faith that the rest of them will be...

cogs and wheels and making your own luck

it seems that lately, the issue of what constitutes a career keeps popping up. my view on the subject has most certainly changed over the past two years. when i left my fast-track traditional career job at the end of 2007, i thought a career consisted of striving and promotions and brownnosing the right people and political infighting and a bit of strategic backstabbing and of CMA (cover my ass) operations to prevent oneself from being stabbed in turn. and oddly, i even enjoyed all of that. and was really quite good at it. and i was proud of that fact.

but, one of the reasons i left is that i realized i didn't have the creativity and laughter in my life that i craved. none of those career-track things i was doing really fit who i was as a person and they definitely didn't fit who i wanted to BE as a person.  i was just another cog in the engine of the big corporate machine. and thankfully, i realized i didn't want to be that anymore and now i'm not.

but i have come to a point where i need to decide what it is that i do want going forward. i've had the luxury for nearly two years of working mostly from home and of having writing as my job, which i love and which is best done (at least by me) sitting in the quiet of my home, wearing my flannel pajama bottoms and a beloved soft t-shirt, mug of tea at hand. that's how the stories flow best through my fingers onto the screen.

but the commute to another country is wearing me down. it doesn't help that when i do go to the office, i don't get a great feeling from my colleagues in one way or another. whether they seem gleeful that i'm away from my family (not cool) or are telling me i'm incapable of doing my job because i 'm a woman (even more uncool), it's not good for me anymore (not to mention the C02). and that realization hurts me a bit, because i like to finish what i start (that Ph.D. aside) and i feel in the middle of several things. but it's really just a matter of timing at this point. i've mentally already moved on.

i feel like my entire view on what constitutes a career has shifted. i have begun to imagine creativity as a career. holding workshops, having a little shop (this keeps coming up) that sells some exclusive fabrics as well as the products of my own creativity and possibly the creativity of others, the shop would also have good coffee, tea and whatever cakes i felt like making that particular day, or perhaps some photography and freelance writing. when people ask what i do, which they inevitably do, i'd say, "i'm creative." and that would be enough. for me at least. i don't need to be defined by the high-powered job that i have. and for far too many years i thought i did.

but it's a bit scary and daunting, imagining not knowing the exact amount of money i will have on a monthly basis. because our world is so geared towards that. and it has made us think that knowing that represents security. and happiness. but what if it doesn't? what if happiness is a life that enables you to live out your creative potential every day? and what if the rest, including the money part, will come if you're doing just that?

i have more thoughts about this, but i think i will let them gel a bit more...