but, one of the reasons i left is that i realized i didn't have the creativity and laughter in my life that i craved. none of those career-track things i was doing really fit who i was as a person and they definitely didn't fit who i wanted to BE as a person. i was just another cog in the engine of the big corporate machine. and thankfully, i realized i didn't want to be that anymore and now i'm not.
but i have come to a point where i need to decide what it is that i do want going forward. i've had the luxury for nearly two years of working mostly from home and of having writing as my job, which i love and which is best done (at least by me) sitting in the quiet of my home, wearing my flannel pajama bottoms and a beloved soft t-shirt, mug of tea at hand. that's how the stories flow best through my fingers onto the screen.
but the commute to another country is wearing me down. it doesn't help that when i do go to the office, i don't get a great feeling from my colleagues in one way or another. whether they seem gleeful that i'm away from my family (not cool) or are telling me i'm incapable of doing my job because i 'm a woman (even more uncool), it's not good for me anymore (not to mention the C02). and that realization hurts me a bit, because i like to finish what i start (that Ph.D. aside) and i feel in the middle of several things. but it's really just a matter of timing at this point. i've mentally already moved on.
i feel like my entire view on what constitutes a career has shifted. i have begun to imagine creativity as a career. holding workshops, having a little shop (this keeps coming up) that sells some exclusive fabrics as well as the products of my own creativity and possibly the creativity of others, the shop would also have good coffee, tea and whatever cakes i felt like making that particular day, or perhaps some photography and freelance writing. when people ask what i do, which they inevitably do, i'd say, "i'm creative." and that would be enough. for me at least. i don't need to be defined by the high-powered job that i have. and for far too many years i thought i did.
but it's a bit scary and daunting, imagining not knowing the exact amount of money i will have on a monthly basis. because our world is so geared towards that. and it has made us think that knowing that represents security. and happiness. but what if it doesn't? what if happiness is a life that enables you to live out your creative potential every day? and what if the rest, including the money part, will come if you're doing just that?
i have more thoughts about this, but i think i will let them gel a bit more...
