christmas is fraught with expectations

christmas has come and gone. everyone has just departed and i'm relishing a little bit of time to myself, on the couch, watching harry potter. as usual, christmas had its fraught moments. moments of irritation - like when we thought some of the guests would be here at 2 p.m. and they didn't actually leave copenhagen (to drive three hours) until then. or when two of the young people showed up a day early because they wanted to borrow my car to go their christmas eve engagement and no one had communicated this to me or asked me if i thought it was ok. (knowing how one of them drives, it was decidedly not ok.) 

then the child got mad at me because i'm on wegovy. it has made her feel self-conscious about her own weight, which was never my intention. she's beautiful and perfect in my eyes, and i definitely don't think she needs to lose any weight. but the world is a weird place and maybe it's messed all of us up. i have in my head that i want to weigh what my driver's license says i do (i got it in 1995 and it says 135 pounds), which might be madness (and is about 20 pounds from where i am right now, after losing 30 pounds since may). it made the child think i am on my way to having an eating disorder. i'm not sure it's quite that, but maybe she's right that i need to rethink that goal. and be happy with feeling better here and now.

husband's first grandchild was here and he's a busy little guy of 15 months. it made me realize how not childproof our home is, but we were able to keep the kitchen cupboards closed and keep the most breakable items out of reach. it struck me how repetitive everything with small kids is. he spent ages handing LEGO pieces to his parents, then throwing them on the floor and then wanting up and then down again and then up again and down again. i think our brains are kind to us, as i don't recall the monotonous boredom of having a small child myself, but surely it was the same. thankfully as parents we don't see it that way. but i am glad it's not me today.

it's hard enough when they're grown. i got everyone LEGO this year - usually, we buy new games, but now we have so many, it's hard to pick new ones, so i decided that everyone was getting a nice LEGO set. there are so many cool sets these days for adults and who doesn't like LEGO? i chose carefully, really trying to pick ones that fit - a bouquet for the middle daughter and the cool LEGO ideas insect set in the picture above for her boyfriend. they eagerly got to work building them and i thought i had done a good job. but when it came time to pack up their things and take them home, i heard a lot of whispering and only the flowers were packed up to take home. apparently they didn't want the insects (as cool as they are) sitting around their new apartment. i didn't hear that with my own ears, it was told to me second hand. i'll have to remember next year that LEGO just isn't good enough. i'm honestly trying not to feel badly about it, but i'm not there yet. 

we attach so many expectations to christmas. i carefully selected the gift and i feel hurt that it was deemed too inferior to be taken home. and if i'm honest, it's more than that. i'm also hurt that the girls brought a present for their sister and their dad, but nothing for me. not even a token small thing. i go out of my way for them and get nothing in return. and while it's not about things, it's about the thought that goes into selecting a gift and apparently i'm not worthy of any such thought.  and i'm really trying not to care, but honestly, i do care. and i am hurt. and it's those damn expectations every time. but how can we not have them? and how to get past them? and how to not care.

i realize it all sounds quite petty in light of all the horrible things going on in the world. but there you have it. we are always so inside ourselves, it can be hard to look up. 

we're on the other side!

you guys! we're on the other side - of the solstice and of the busy blur that is christmas - well into that fallow week between christmas and the new year. the days all blur together, though i did work on tuesday. was that only yesterday? it's that time when you look back on the year that's passed and look ahead to the coming year. 

so far, i've fallen for an ad for a free year of the balance app, so i just did a 3 minute meditation. or rather, i started it and then remembered that the header of the pages i published earlier was wrong in the way it came in from translation and so i ran to the computer and fixed it and republished during the 3 minutes. so much for meditating. at least the app is free for a year! and here's to starting somewhere. 

we're all feeling a bit under the weather. i think it's the grey, dreary, rainy weather, plus excesses of food and drink, late night card games and not enough rest or time alone. sabs and i just took some nyquil and we're headed for bed early because tomorrow we've got a  a long agenda. husband's picking up a spinning bike, then we're visiting a museum and doing a bit of shopping in aarhus before sabs meets her friends from boarding school for dinner. we'll go to dinner and maybe a movie ourselves while we wait for her. 

she's headed back to her life in sunny arizona very early on the 31st. she'll make it in time to ring in the new year with friends. her visit felt short, but it doesn't seem so bad, because she's coming home again in march for spring break with a couple of friends, so it's not that far off. we're finding the impending visit motivating, as we want to have the new bathroom and a bedroom ready for them. 

i know that on sunday, i'll feel like this in-between liminal week went way too fast, but for now, i'm just taking as it comes. and watching way too much real housewives of beverly hills on hayu...speaking of other instagram ads i've fallen for in recent days (49kr for 3 months of hayu - real housewives all the time!).