christmas is fraught with expectations

christmas has come and gone. everyone has just departed and i'm relishing a little bit of time to myself, on the couch, watching harry potter. as usual, christmas had its fraught moments. moments of irritation - like when we thought some of the guests would be here at 2 p.m. and they didn't actually leave copenhagen (to drive three hours) until then. or when two of the young people showed up a day early because they wanted to borrow my car to go their christmas eve engagement and no one had communicated this to me or asked me if i thought it was ok. (knowing how one of them drives, it was decidedly not ok.) 

then the child got mad at me because i'm on wegovy. it has made her feel self-conscious about her own weight, which was never my intention. she's beautiful and perfect in my eyes, and i definitely don't think she needs to lose any weight. but the world is a weird place and maybe it's messed all of us up. i have in my head that i want to weigh what my driver's license says i do (i got it in 1995 and it says 135 pounds), which might be madness (and is about 20 pounds from where i am right now, after losing 30 pounds since may). it made the child think i am on my way to having an eating disorder. i'm not sure it's quite that, but maybe she's right that i need to rethink that goal. and be happy with feeling better here and now.

husband's first grandchild was here and he's a busy little guy of 15 months. it made me realize how not childproof our home is, but we were able to keep the kitchen cupboards closed and keep the most breakable items out of reach. it struck me how repetitive everything with small kids is. he spent ages handing LEGO pieces to his parents, then throwing them on the floor and then wanting up and then down again and then up again and down again. i think our brains are kind to us, as i don't recall the monotonous boredom of having a small child myself, but surely it was the same. thankfully as parents we don't see it that way. but i am glad it's not me today.

it's hard enough when they're grown. i got everyone LEGO this year - usually, we buy new games, but now we have so many, it's hard to pick new ones, so i decided that everyone was getting a nice LEGO set. there are so many cool sets these days for adults and who doesn't like LEGO? i chose carefully, really trying to pick ones that fit - a bouquet for the middle daughter and the cool LEGO ideas insect set in the picture above for her boyfriend. they eagerly got to work building them and i thought i had done a good job. but when it came time to pack up their things and take them home, i heard a lot of whispering and only the flowers were packed up to take home. apparently they didn't want the insects (as cool as they are) sitting around their new apartment. i didn't hear that with my own ears, it was told to me second hand. i'll have to remember next year that LEGO just isn't good enough. i'm honestly trying not to feel badly about it, but i'm not there yet. 

we attach so many expectations to christmas. i carefully selected the gift and i feel hurt that it was deemed too inferior to be taken home. and if i'm honest, it's more than that. i'm also hurt that the girls brought a present for their sister and their dad, but nothing for me. not even a token small thing. i go out of my way for them and get nothing in return. and while it's not about things, it's about the thought that goes into selecting a gift and apparently i'm not worthy of any such thought.  and i'm really trying not to care, but honestly, i do care. and i am hurt. and it's those damn expectations every time. but how can we not have them? and how to get past them? and how to not care.

i realize it all sounds quite petty in light of all the horrible things going on in the world. but there you have it. we are always so inside ourselves, it can be hard to look up. 

how do you resist the borg?

every year, i bristle at the tyranny of the gift list in denmark and every year, i swallow and succumb to it. they're like the borg*. and i've even become so assimilated that i passed along my child's gift list, including a bunch of links, to my sister in the states. much to her quite understandable dismay. the child, now a teenager, is hard to buy for and only likes very specific things. so that's why i passed along the list this year. but i'll admit that i hate it. with a passion. and i feel i should be raising her better than that. and i'm disappointed in myself for sending the list. i think i'm pretty much completely failing as a parent because of this.

i hate as well that i've been given a gift list for our nephews (not my sister's children) and i've gone out dutifully, if grudgingly, and purchased the desired items. and i didn't enjoy it. and i won't enjoy giving those gifts. because it's just a sterile transaction, it didn't require any thought on my part and it didn't require that i knew anything about them, nor will it evoke any delight in me to watch them open the item from their list. there's no surprise or moment of excitement on either side of the transaction. it's just that, a transaction. and i have to say that i think it really sucks. it's hollow and consumerist and well, lame. and every year i vow i won't do it.  and yet here i am once again, going through the expected motions. cultural norms are hard to resist. and i am apparently far too weak in the face of them.

actual meaningful gift which i made for my dad last year for christmas.
i imagine mom is snuggled up under it right now and that makes me happy.

but i realize that this gift thing isn't about me. it's about the receiver. but i have to wonder if they really appreciate just automatically getting the things they asked for. where is the delight? the surprise? the joy? i suspect it's absent on their side as well. case in point? i made the blanket above for my dad for christmas last year and he loved it. and it was not something he asked for. but it was perfect for him and it was handmade, so score all around.

but back to the tyranny of the danish gift list...now that christmas doesn't really mean what it once meant, but is just a consumerist holiday and we are living in a society that equates needs and wants and just buys whatever we think we need when we need it, rather than waiting to receive things as gifts, do we really need this gift charade?

i've said previously that i'd much rather stumble across something in the course of the year and give it to the person in question, out of the blue. but do i act on that? no, i haven't. but maybe i should start. maybe 2015 will be when i start.

*star trek: the next generation reference. get it or get over it.

overthinking christmas

i read a marvelous little piece in the new york times by gary shteyngart. shteyngart captures somehow the ennui i think many of us feel around christmas, wanting to embrace the traditions and have family around, but feeling underneath it all that acute sense of our inability to really know other people, perhaps especially our families. the facades we put up to get through it all, the way we hide what we really think and feel. the masks we wear.

i think it's part of why it's such a relief when the holiday is over, you can exhale and go back into your real self, putting aside the performance and the smiles and the false gaiety. there's so much pressure for christmas to be perfect - you have to give the right presents, eat the right food. you have to meet so many expectations that are unspoken and unwritten, but powerful just the same. and it's impossible. and exhausting.

sabin is off skiing in austria with her best friends, so husband and i sat out in the brewery room by our new fireplace (it's a wood-burning stove, actually) last evening, relaxing, sipping a cocktail in front of the crackle of the fire. husband philosophized as to whether we as humans are drawn to fire because we're the only animal which has conquered it, or because we recognize something of our basic natures in it...we're all burning out towards an end in a pile of dust. either one is quite profound,  even if the latter is less than optimistic. we sat for long stretches, just relaxing and not saying anything, letting our souls settle back in after the mad rush of christmas. the crackle and warmth of the fire helped with that.

we as humans seem to have some kind of need for ceremony, as susanne moore puts it in the guardian, "it is through ritual that we remake and strengthen our social bonds." our christian christmas traditions must have a basis in earlier pagan midwinter rituals. as the years go by, i grow more and more uneasy with the religious aspect (as well as the commercial one), but, there must be a way to celebrate the return towards the light in a non-religious way that "does not mean one has to forgo poetry, magic, the chaos of ritual, the remaking of shared bonds." i guess here in denmark, we do come rather close to that, as attending church isn't really part of the ritual, and there are plenty of old pagan elements in the stories of nisse (a kind of combination elf/gnome/pixie figure) and the plethora of candles and the use of evergreens and moss and pinecones in decorating. i just wish it didn't all seem so soul-draining. i want to feel renewed, refreshed, re-energized by the midwinter celebration - elated that we've turned back towards the light.

maybe i'd better go stare into that crackling fire for awhile again.

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beautiful photographs of frozen bubbles

make me long for lower temps.

tho' haunting fairy tale photos

would make me settle for a nice fog.

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seriously amazing maps made from ships' logs from the 18th-19th centuries.

also here.

endless hours of fascination in these.

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i've just updated my about me, if you're interested.

wordless wednesday - sabin's tree

o christmas tree, o christmas tree...

the world is covered in a blanket of fresh, white, fluffy snow. and while that brings joy to my heart and makes everything seem fresh and new, it also keeps me indoors because it's pretty friggin' cold out there to go with it (-7C). it'll also make it a bit problematic for getting our christmas tree this weekend, because how do you shake all that snow off before you bring it in the house?

last year's tree

and i've been thinking about the christmas tree. for years (and i mean like 20 years), i've been collecting shiny purple ornaments, adding a few new ones every year. and there are many that are meaningful and which i love getting out year after year, but suddenly, this year i'm not sure purple feels right. and most of what i've got for the tree definitely isn't handmade (except for that nordic sun symbol that's on top) and i'm in this handmade mode and wondering how to reconcile that with my glitzy purple tree. especially since i haven't made any ornaments this year and it's getting a bit late if i should embark on that now.

when you think about how nature can decorate the trees, it seems rather pathetic to even try to trim the tree with all that fake glitz and spangle, even as much as i love shiny things.  maybe next year i'll felt a bunch of old sweaters into homey new ornaments, like trinsch did. maybe i'll go out to the blue room and make up a few of the spool birdies and it'll make me feel a bit better.

but i sound a bit more depressed than i mean to and than i really feel...i'm looking forward to christmas. sabin loves it so much and i've gotten her some really nice clothes and some games and lego and some fun stocking stuffers (think robots) that she will love. we'll have wonderful food with friends and family, starting already tomorrow. we've been baking up a storm while it stormed outside. so really it's all good. i think i'm just trying to reconcile my new thoughts on consumption with the old me and with tradition. it's a journey, what can i say?

buche de nöel

i recovered sufficiently this morning from my cold (fever now gone) to make this:

thank you nigella for the recipe. you may rock, but i kicked butt on this one, even if i do say so myself.

i wonder if i'll have the heart to let anyone cut into it and eat it?

on simplicity and the christmas season

i found the coolest shop in manila in the new greenbelt 5 (man, that mall just grows and grows!). it's called brat pack and is actually a super cool concept for a store. it's mostly funky backpacks and bags and clothing and shoes and some accessories (think lomo cameras and stuff like the fab team manila clock i bought there). the stuff is there on consignment from various vendors, but must have to conform to some certain style guidelines, because it's all quite harmonious. check out the shopping bag for a taste of how cool the shop is:

anyway, i bought the simplify shirt above at brat pack. (and yes, i appreciate the irony of me feeling that i have to BUY something in order to simplify!) it's from a label called good karma by life is good, and the label says it's "environmentally friendly clothing for environmentally friendly people." in any case, it's super soft cotton and i love the shirt. and i bought it to remind me that i've been talking a lot this year about simplifying and paring down our lifestyle, but i haven't been doing a whole lot about it.

husband and i just discussed on monday that we don't want to engage in that whole christmas madness this year. that awful panicked feeling that you don't have enough or the right presents, so you rush out and buy a few more things that you don't really need at the last minute. we don't want that feeling this year. we actually pretty much have what we need, so we have agreed not to get presents for one another this year.

then, this morning, i read tara's thoughtful posting on christmas madness and sustainable living at eyeblog. as she says, it's actually about living so that your life makes sense. we'd all love to give only presents that we have made by hand, but who really has the time for that? the reality is that we have to live our lives and make them work too and if we sat around knitting and sewing for everyone all the time, would dinner get made or the laundry get done? as it is, i am a little fearful of looking under the chairs for fear of being attacked by giant dust bunnies.

like tara, i also worry about where the things i buy are made (admittedly not sure it's a good thing that my new simplify shirt was made in pakistan). i would say that i've tried hardest on that front with food this past year...i have made a real effort to buy produce that is produced locally. i've been learning about cooking with nordic ingredients--did you know you could make hawthorne syrup? and we've been learning to enjoy things when they're season and not buy them otherwise--therefore, only 2 glorious weeks of strawberries and the tomato consumption has tapered off significantly. we're finding it makes us appreciate the goodness of the food more. it's true that we'll buy those clementines as they come into season, so we're not entirely faithful. we buy ones that are from spain, so that they've only come up through europe and not been shipped across an ocean on a container ship. somehow the small, easily-peeled juicy deliciousness of those clementines just means christmas, so we're not really prepared to do without.

i had already vowed to give presents i've made to those i need to exchange presents with this christmas (tho' sabin will no doubt get some legos and probably some littlest pet shop). but i'm thinking of nicely framing photos i've taken this year, or having some photo albums made on one of those sites online. i'll also make some cushion covers and perhaps a lap quilt or two. i'm still rubbish at knitting, so no knitting hats and mittens, even tho' i'd actually like to do that.

how can we live more simply and sustainably at christmas? i guess with worldwide economic crisis, it seems easier to imagine paring down and not indulging in complete christmas madness. the truth is that we don't actually need any more stuff here at our house (tho' i did kinda want a red retro espresso machine--but wants are different than needs, aren't they and we do enjoy going out for a latte). but i am looking forward to having a big, lovely christmas tree in our new addition. we won't skip that, nor will we skip making wonderful christmas food. we're just going to try to be sensible on the gift front. thanks again, tara, for prompting me put some thought into this one again.