the good wife

i don't think this photo has anything to do with this post.

we discussed extensively this past weekend what it is that makes a "good wife."  there was a lot of laughter and sarcasm in our discussion, but i've been thinking about it ever since. about where notions of what makes a good wife come from. and how constricting they are, despite all of women's so-called liberation. and how nobody really talks about them (being too busy (in the blogosphere anyway) talking about what it is to be a good mother). and just generally how much pressure there is on wives to do it all and be awesome.

many of the traditional good wife things, i utterly fail at...keeping the house spotless, doing the dishes immediately after the meal, sweeping the kitchen floor, dusting, getting rid of cobwebs (there are way more spiders than me, so i can't win), cleaning and vacuuming the car. i could go on. and you notice how much it's a list of domestic chores. at the same time, in today's society, i'm expected to work full time at a fulfilling career (because a job just won't do), be a good mom (e.g. drive my child to countless activities and bake her birthday cake) and keep myself looking young, thin and stunning. it's exhausting, if you think about it.

i do some wifely things...i'm generally the main cook in the house and we eat at what could be reasonably called dinnertime, tho' dinner is seldom waiting on the table when husband comes home.  we tend to sit down together and eat, only occasionally in front of the television (generally because i have some project or other taking up the dining table). i'm good at keeping the laundry done around here, tho' i'm less good at putting it away and people sometimes have to paw through baskets, looking for socks and clean underwear and that favorite pink sweatshirt. i bake bread 2-3 times a week. i spend time in the garden (tho' that is again primarily a husband activity) and will be doing lots of canning and preserving as soon as the garden starts to produce.

but how did all of these good wife things remain so domestic, even after the revolution? what about being well-read and interesting, so that your husband can and wants to have an intelligent conversation with you?  what about mutual dreams shared with your husband? that's definitely good wifely-ness. what about still desiring your husband and him desiring you? that's a good trait in a wife. what about knowing when to give space and knowing when you need space? why are all of the things that we're judged by to do with keeping up appearances in some sense?

i think my conclusion on all of the weekend's discussions and my own pondering it since, is that i want to reject all those societal, cultural notions of what it means to be a good wife. and just continue to be one. because i am. even if there is crap all over the kitchen floor and dishes in the sink and dust on the dashboard of the car. i'm a great wife in all of the ways that really matter. so i think i'll stop worrying about it now.

overheard at the airport

waiting at the baggage carrousel. mid-twenties, very casually-dressed american girl speaking loudly to her asian-looking, yet equally american colleague, as if everyone around them couldn't understand english, just because it was norway.

loudly talking about how they would conduct an investigation the next day, playing a tape and trying to get the witnesses to identify an unnamed perpetrator.

"we've got to get the ID, but if they can't make the ID, it's not the right guy," she declared loudly in her flat, nasal r's. "the pic on the news is way more influencing than our 6-pack."

i pondered briefly what a 6-pack might be. and mused on why she seemed to be speaking of such a potentially confidential thing in such a loud voice. did she really think no one standing there understood english? or was it just more innocent than it seemed.

then, her bag came. a really giant duffel which she could barely lift off the carrousel. her colleague asked what i was thinking, "you got a body in there?"

"government buys me one size bag, i'm gonna use it." she responds, struggling to lift it onto a cart.

and then they left. i'm still wondering what a 6-pack is in this context. and if this has anything to do with those planes transporting terror suspects that have been spotted all over poland, macedonia and other places. i thought that business was over under the new and improved administration. hmmm...you never know what you're going to hear while waiting for your bags.

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originally published april 27, 2009 on the julie project