they say we need to speak it out loud

i didn't realize it, but the signs were already there two years ago. my mother's obsession with the notion that someone would steal her purse was a sign. i remember how utterly bewildered i felt. here was my mother, who drove me and my horses on threadbare tires all over a 7-state region, by herself, walking a mile once in the dark beside a pitch black interstate to get help when something broke down, leaving her sleeping children in the back of the pickup and the horses stomping in the trailer, munching on hay as she set off into the starlit night, semi trailers lumbering past, shaking the whole vehicle. and she came back with help and we were on our merry way, none the wiser to the stop in the night. that fearless, fierce woman, suddenly afraid the aggressively perfect (and quite attractive) danish father, leaning on his volvo in his mads nørgaard clothes, waiting for his 12-year-old and her friends to leave the one direction concert, was going to reach in the window and steal her over-stuffed with snacks and kleenex bulging no-brand midwestern purse. um, what? i was confused. frustrated. and a little bit pissy.

the way she kept getting lost in our house. seriously. it's one story, it's the shape of an H and we're honestly only using the middle and the right half of it, it's not difficult. the way she wandered away in the middle of the party, missing all of the toasts and speeches. i thought she was just badly-indoctrinated into the social mores i had taken to me like water to a sponge. or perhaps that she had just been badly raised and i never noticed. (watching americans eat, all fork and no knife, can make you think that.)

i don't know why i didn't realize it then. her mother had alzheimer's as well. but it didn't really occur to me at the time. i chalked it up to the ridiculousness of the morning news in the us...click-bait headlines about the latest scams and calamities that make you tune in again after the commercial. that could make anyone fearful.

and i felt sad that the woman who i felt taught me my very fearlessness (which is one of my biggest sources of pride) had become some inexplicably fearful. how could this happen? and seriously, who thinks that someone will steal their purse on a plane? where would they go with it, honestly? but i know now that it was a sign. it was the big a, the scarlet letter, of a much more sinister sort. she will eventually be stripped of everything she once was...fearless, funny, active. she, who got her motorcycle driver's license at 60, and began pistol shooting lessons at 70, will lose everything of who she was.

and i don't know what to do or think or feel. the whole gamut of emotions courses through me...sadness, impatience, anger, and yes, fear...what if it happens to me? can i do anything to prevent it. i'm terrible at names, is that a sign? i occasionally struggle to find a word...is that a sign? i switch subjects and can be moody...are they signs? is it all downhill from here for me as well? will i recognize it, if it is? she doesn't, which is both a source of frustration and a blessing. but how can you not? when you are a navel gazer like me, don't you know? is she really hiding from herself at that level?

i fear that maybe she is. i don't know where i got it, but my notion that an unexamined life is not worth living clearly did not come from my mother. i fear i may have actually gotten it from madonna. which is surely the stuff of a separate blog post.

does she know deep down? does she feel the fog descending? does she understand? or is she really blissfully unaware? is that one of the symptoms? so many questions. and we are only just beginning to look for answers.

what would madonna do? - #1

in the spirit of shag ~ marry ~ kill, i thought we'd play another new game..this one's called, what would madonna do? the idea came up because i was chatting with my sister after the surprise (even to myself) addition of britney spears - shag to my list and she said, that i must have been thinking, what would madonna do? because really, things have gone well for madonna. if you don't count that sex book and sean penn and guy ritchie (which went pretty well for quite a long time). so in addition to my twin philosophies of what are you gonna remember? and writing is the new praying, when i've got a vexing situation before me i'm going to ask myself from now on, what would madonna do?


scenario 1:  so you're at work, and you're invited to one of those parties where people are trying to sell you stuff. it's just after work hours, but it's AT work. and you think that this doesn't really further the position or image of women in your workplace and there's no way in hell that you're going. however, the person organizing the party keeps asking you. you, being a weak suck, keep avoiding the inevitable answer of "no." and even tho' you did finally say "no" outright, she continues to badger you.

what would madonna do? she would express herself and have the courage to tell the girl no and give her a piece of her mind as to how doing such a thing at work totally underlines the bimbo picture that the men in the workplace have of the women there and there's no way in hell she'd ever attend, even tho' she is, in fact, a material girl.

what i'd like to know is where the hell was madonna? (hmm, a potential new game?) last week when i needed her.

i'll be sharing these little tidbits of madonna wisdom whenever the need arises.

enjoy the rest of your sunday. i know it's what madonna would do....