practicing :: it's a process

today at yoga, the instructor talked about letting go of the tension in our bodies and minds without necessarily solving anything. just releasing it. without needing to solve the underlying cause. just to get a moment of relief. and with my now bordering on chronic jaw problem and all of the unsolvable issues that have caused it (the cheeto who will soon be our president and my mother's decline), the notion of releasing the tension without a solution was a freeing one, even as i also feared that letting it go might just collapse the whole structure that is me. but i was able to do it there, for a brief moment, in class. and it felt pretty great. and i hoping that knowing it's possible, if only for a moment at a time, will help me to do it again. 

i was further reminded at yoga of how much i live my life inside my head and not in my body. like my back problem a year ago, my recent jaw pain, was a sharp wakeup call to me to live more fully in awareness of my body. to find a better balance. my clumsy efforts at knitting help. and i find myself wanting to sew something as well, as that is a good activity for mind-body interaction. from what i've been reading about alzheimer's, it can be very important, that hand-brain connection, in helping yourself avoid getting it. that and a healthy diet. a healthier diet is something that the jaw issue has forced upon me as well and here, more than a week into healthier eating (making lots of juices these days, since i still have trouble opening my mouth very wide), i'm feeling much clearer in my thinking and my clothes fit better as well! so there is some silver lining to the jaw issue. 

yoga also reminds me that i'm practicing. and that it takes time to get good at something. i spend brief moments truly in my body while i'm in class. and i need to work on carrying those moments into the rest of the time - like when i'm trying to fall asleep. or when i feel stressed in a meeting. i want to get better at grounding myself in my body, through breathing and listening to what it's telling me. so weird that it has taken this long for me to realize this. 

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i liked the 2017 goals that tracy clayton (of another round podcast/buzzfeed fame) posted on twitter.

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i envy this guy's knitting skills.

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this woman lives without modern amenities.
but you'll never go without a cup of tea when you visit her.
"miss gallagher believes a period of silence or solitude should be encouraged in the house to help cope with the pressures of life."
maybe she's right.

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if you want to be a better person, find something outside of work.

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is america just a bit backward?
and is it going to get worse?

the joy of kittens

i think this batch of kittens is the one i've enjoyed the most. two of them went to their new home today and it's going to be a lot quieter around here now. it may be time to fix charlie, she'd had quite a few batches of kittens and maybe now she needs a well-deserved rest. on the other hand, she's probably the best momma kitty i've ever had. and she did make our beautiful sif, who might have ended up taking the place of my beloved and much-missed frieda, at long last.

i don't know what i expected

my, what a couple of weeks it has been. fevers, coughing, snowy nights in a hot tub out on a deck in the black hills, presents, cooking, food, games, skiing, snowboarding, a broken wrist, an infected jaw that's been building for some time (since a couple of weeks before the november 8 election debacle), two miserable flights in acute pain, lack of sleep, kindness, laughter, and sorrow. the whole gamut of emotions. and i am wrung out. it's somehow fitting that it all ended in a raging, painful infection in my jaw. i've always held my stress in my jaws, grinding my teeth at night. old habits die hard.

i don't know what i expected. i was apprehensive before we left, knowing that it was likely the last christmas where mom would remember us. but i had no idea how advanced it had become. the repetition of stories, i could handle and even enjoy to a degree, impressed at what she remembered (she remembers leaving us there by the side of the road near wasta and even remembered (which i didn't) that she needed water for an over-heated radiator). the constant asking where we were going and what we were doing next, just after we had explained it was slightly more exasperating. but, i could understand that this was how her mind now works.

and then there were the moments of spiteful anger that came seemingly from nowhere. so much venom over insignificant things - mostly in the form of harsh judgements in the retelling of events. either traditional views on the role of women and men rearing their head, or just plain judgemental nastiness. that was hard.

i keep wanting to write "but most distressing was..." and then thinking that the thing i'm going to write isn't the worst thing. but it was very distressing that when we gently tried to speak with her about how she probably shouldn't be driving anymore or that she doesn't need three vehicles, or that the big house might be too much for her (she has every surface covered in junk mail, so there is nowhere to sit or have a cup of tea and we couldn't stay there, tho' we did try one night), she steadfastly refused to admit or recognize that she even has a problem. this may be a symptom of the disease, but it also may be who she is.

but what might be the most distressing are the lies she tells. she forgot the christmas presents she had bought for all of us (matching slippers for 8), when we went to the cabin and every day the story changed as to where they were. sometimes it was our fault because we didn't take the vehicle she had loaded them into, expecting we'd take it. when we got home, they were right there on the couch, where they'd been, she'd never loaded them at all. she also took back her sewing machine, which had been lent to the child, taking it when no one was home. she venomously spat at me, when i asked her about it, that she had needed to use it herself. this despite the fact that she had left the cord behind and couldn't have plugged it in. i never did find it in her house, so i'm not sure where it is.

she was stopped by the police yesterday, 45 miles from home, driving 25 with the windows open (despite it being bitterly cold) and with the dome light on. wearing slippers. it's unclear whether they took her license or recommended that she be evaluated (i'm not clear on the procedure, but it's clear that we need to take those three cars away from her. pronto. apparently, this morning's lie is that she had to go to on a trip on such a cold day because i took all of her glasses with me when i left. the truth of that one is that we spent half an hour helping her find them on the day before we left and when i last saw her, she was sitting in my dad's chair, opening all of the glasses cases and burbling happily over her collection. it was a strange goodbye.

i'll allow that maybe they're not lies - they're the gossamer holding her thoughts together.  so perhaps they shouldn't upset me. but right now they do. it's a bit like this disease has amplified all of her worst traits - the solipsism, the selfishness, the lack of caring one iota about her grandchildren (which has always been a source of pain). they are all dialed up to full volume, replacing all of the things i loved about my mom - her willingness to drop everything and go off and have fun, to try new things, to buy a lot of tricked-out gear for a hobby and jump wholeheartedly into it. her enjoyment of good food. on christmas, when asked if she wanted to come and have some dinner, she said, "that depends on what it is," after i had worked all day, cooking the most beautiful beef wellington i've ever prepared. that day ended in a flood tears for me. it was all too much. and while i logically know that it's the disease and not my mother, it's very hard to separate and hard not to be hurt.

it is a crazy hurtful disease and it's only the beginning for us. i haven't even come close to getting a handle on how i feel about it.

note: i'm choosing to share the journey we've only just begun with alzheimer's here on my blog, as honestly as i can, because of one of the things i read was what we must speak it out loud. but also because this blog has always been where i work out what i think and feel and i've encountered no bigger topic where i have need for that. i by no means want to hang my mother out to dry and i realize i'm walking a fine line in that, but i know i'm not the first person to go through this and i hope that my journey can spark a positive conversation on a difficult topic. that said, i am no expert and have only just begun to read about the disease, trying to learn more. all opinions and thoughts on the disease are my own and from my own very limited experience. if you have any thoughts/readings/resources/experiences to share, please share them. this is all very raw and new for me and i want to grow in understanding and compassion.

2016 :: it was the best of the times, it was the worst of times

january - i was recovering nicely from my december back surgery and getting back to work. it wasn't quite full time, but i still managed to spend a week at a shipyard in gdansk. and while frosty, dark january at the shipyard where the solidarity movement was born may not sound like heaven, it was pretty close for a ship geek like me. and since i'd never been to poland before, i also added a new country to the list. and a couple of new dresses from cos to my wardrobe.

february - the physiotherapist okayed me to begin going to yoga and i found a great studio, where i began to practice yin yoga and chandra hot yoga. it was great to feel in touch with my body for the first time in years. the drink & draw girls and i had a creative weekend getaway together on fyn. i ordered a big batch of seeds for the garden. sabs and her friend emma came along with me to copenhagen, where they hung out a bit with me at work and came to the conclusion that all we do all day is talk, laugh and eat cake. some days, that's true.

march - i was officially back at work full time and off to a running start. a film shoot involved a shiny new truck in the scottish highlands and the very beginning of what would be the biggest (literally) project of the year. i tried out my new zoom lens on the full moon and crossed storebæltsbro multiple times. a friend helped us create a little willow circle in the garden - the beginnings of a magical little living place to sit and contemplate the garden. husband's endless building projects continued.

april - husband chopped down our ailing cherry tree, but he has saved the wood and will make beautiful things from it. we said a proper goodbye to the tree which had housed sabin's swing when we moved here and which had patiently given climbing lessons to countless kittens. a photoshoot at the white cliffs of dover (another first visit), tea at the sanderson, and witnessing the ringing of bells in a london church tower were all memorable moments. i took a ceramics class and even managed to make a few things. my inner ship geek was indulged and i even went to brussels for the first time (tho' i didn't manage to include a photo of that in this mosaic).

may - husband made his first of may political debut. the first batches of kittens were born, we attended several confirmation parties, had a successful spring exhibition, and generally enjoyed the brilliant green of the beech trees and lilacs in bloom. there was stitching and plenty of coffee.

june - started off with a whirlwind photoshoot on board pearl and then a dash to gothenburg (another first visit) to film for a couple of days at the terminal there. we celebrated midsommer with wish lanterns, enjoyed the kittens, made art and watched sabin "graduate" from her efterskole. so bittersweet - as she loved her year there and grew so much both inside and out. our dark blue bricks arrived and they matched the ship!

july - found me at a shipyard in bremerhaven, where we lengthened a ship. yup - they cut it in half floated in a new bit, put the front back and welded it all together. the garden began to produce in earnest, giving us the first sweet carrots and broad beans for our favorite broad bean hummus. kittens and berries and poppies made it seem like summer. a quick day's getaway to fanø, where we rented bikes and ate bakskjuld (dried, smoked fish) in the sunshine.

august - we sent the child off to my hometown in the states for a year of high school in the early days of august. her friends and sisters came along to the airport to say goodbye. i flew off the same day to check on the progress of our big project. then there was a dash down to dover for a drone shoot in perfect weather. mid-august saw the reveal of our very big lego ship - so big it's a world record! then i came home to enough plums to make a tart and cows in the pasture. we had a team getaway to hamburg that made for some very nice days.

september - added two new countries to the list with a trip to the baltics. i'd been in lithuania a few years ago, but never vilnius, which is a gorgeous city that i definitely want to go back to. then i added latvia and estonia as well - driving a good 1200km in total over a week, chasing the world's biggest lego ship on her tour. when i got home, we sent our pigs to the butcher and filled the freezer and the freezers of all of our friends for the winter. and as always, i enjoyed the company of cats on my blissful weekends at home in the countryside.

october - lego loomed large in october with visits to lego world in utrecht and brick live in birmingham. i went to more lego events this year than when i worked for lego! and it was very healing. moments when i wasn't traveling were spent in the garden - our late raspberries were producing and we ate kale by the colander full. molly is my garden cat and helps me whenever i'm there. i made a small batch of ruby red jelly from the entire harvest from the crab apple tree. i really feel my life these days affords me the best of both worlds...spending the week in copenhagen or traveling and my weekends at homes with husband, cats and the garden. it's bliss, i tell you.

november - the november days were dark. i stayed home the day after the election, sick of heart, curled in the fetal position in tears of disbelief. i vowed to wear black the rest of the month, but had to admit that most of my wardrobe is dark blue. and november wasn't all sad, as our ship visited trafalgar square and i went on a filming mission to paris (my first time there). i ended the month with the best night's sleep i'd had in months on board ark dania, as we made another film there. there was also great comfort in charlie's sweetest batch of kittens yet. oh, and in the states, the child got her driver's license!

december - the comfort of kittens. christmas and anniversary parties, the culmination of a whole year's efforts. the highest highs and the lowest lows. seeing the child and spending christmas with her was wonderful. a last christmas with mom knowing our names, while i wanted it to be wonderful, in the end it wasn't. it was heart-breaking and painful and so very hard. 2016, you definitely had a cruel side. but it must mean that 2017 can only be better!

ruin porn :: the beauty and the sadness

we explored this old house four years ago when we were here. i'm thinking a lot about decay these days - there is beauty in it, but also sadness and sorrow. think of the memories, lying dormant in these peeling walls - memories of children's laughter and running footsteps, of family meals, of fights and prayers and love and frustrations, triumphs and tragedies. this house was surely a witness to it all, a silent, stoic, untelling witness.

sugar kittens

they say it's going to be a white christmas in the black hills, with snow beginning mid-afternoon on christmas eve and continuing on to christmas day. so, i leave you with visions of sugar plum snow white kittens, dancing in your heads. merry christmas, one and all.

it's all about the food

a note actually sent to my sister a few days ago...posting it here to give you insight into how my brain functions. and also to serve as grocery list/memory, since this blog is where i keep my memory.

and here is the mail in its entirety (with capital letters stripped for the blog and slight edits for the sake of humor):

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anyway, I was pondering our menu for the cabin.

we should try one of those local dive burger joints the night we get there.

december 24:

breakfast: if we're going skiing, something quick - i saw a yummy-looking overnight french toast bake thing that someone posted on FB, making it the night before means we pop it in the oven, eat and run. At the speed of panicked turtles.

dinner:
- oyster stew
- nice sandwiches with good bread (that asiago bread you mentioned sounds good, but we can also make bread - we will need posh cold cuts/nice (read: not iceberg) lettuce, tomato, aioli, fixins to go with them)
- risengrød (i have already bought rice, which i'll bring along) with cinnamon sugar and butter for the nisse and oyster-stew haters and to have something danish for the child and her far.
- snacks to graze upon: bacon-wrapped dates, veggies/dip, possibly some nice fruit sliced up.
- potato leek soup
- croutons/oyster crackers
- wine, port, cocktail fixins

- hot chocolate, hot toddies and christmas cookies/candy - we can set the kids to making candy/cookies, child labor is underrated today


december 25:

breakfast:
- you are the waffle queen, so I place you in charge of this, but we need bacon and syrup and possibly some kind of fruit compote and whipped cream to accompany our waffles.
- also, mimosas, because it's obvious that we need to start drinking early. i can be in charge of the compote.

dinner:
- beef wellington
- green bean casserole
- hasselbagt potatoes or flødekartofler
- a christmasy salad (think citrus fruit, red cabbage, pomegranate and black currant vinegar)
- kale? spinach? you can never have too much of either of those
- sauce (husband is in charge, because it will help him over/provoke his PTSD over the first thanksgiving he came to the states and was placed in charge of the gravy)
- dessert? cranberry tart with white chocolate (see pinterest)
- risalamande (husband wants this traditional danish christmas dessert and I'm sure S will too)
- nigella's log-looking roulade (see above)

- wine, port, cocktail fixins

snacks: chex mix, more bacon-wrapped dates (you can never have too many), olives, cheese, veggies, dip (there will be whining if we don't have snacks)

december 26:

breakfast: ? (i'm on strike.)

packed lunch: big loaf of bread that we hollow out and stuff all of the leftovers into, then slice into slices to be eaten at lunchtime.

that's what i've got...

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what will you eat at christmas?