Thursday, September 30, 2010
in which she doesn't dare
it feels like there's so much these days that i don't dare. i don't dare to quit my job because i don't dare to try to live from my creativity - whether it's writing or photography or making pretty things. and i don't dare to try to live from my creativity for a variety of reasons, only one of which is, "am i good enough?" reasons like - would it still be fun if i were dependent on doing it? would i be able to keep being creative? to keep evolving? would anyone want any of it? are photos that aren't of people somehow devoid of content? will i ever be able to set up that loom properly? what if i don't know how much money will be coming in in a given month? if i held creative weekends for moms and daughters/sons, would anyone come?
you get the idea.
maybe it's just a girl thing.
do men ever sit around with self-doubt? there's not much evidence for it that i can see. don't men just jump in and get started? they seem so angst-free. does our mole man ever doubt that he can catch moles? no. does the gravel guy ever doubt whether his big scooping machine will be able to fill up that next gravel truck? no. all of the small businesses you see around, businesses of all kinds, happen because someone believed enough in themselves and their abilities. because they dared.
i'm otherwise a confident person. so why don't i dare?