Thursday, September 30, 2010

in which she doesn't dare


it feels like there's so much these days that i don't dare. i don't dare to quit my job because i don't dare to try to live from my creativity - whether it's writing or photography or making pretty things. and i don't dare to try to live from my creativity for a variety of reasons, only one of which is, "am i good enough?" reasons like - would it still be fun if i were dependent on doing it? would i be able to keep being creative? to keep evolving? would anyone want any of it? are photos that aren't of people somehow devoid of content? will i ever be able to set up that loom properly? what if i don't know how much money will be coming in in a given month?  if i held creative weekends for moms and daughters/sons, would anyone come?

you get the idea.

maybe it's just a girl thing.

do men ever sit around with self-doubt? there's not much evidence for it that i can see. don't men just jump in and get started? they seem so angst-free. does our mole man ever doubt that he can catch moles? no. does the gravel guy ever doubt whether his big scooping machine will be able to fill up that next gravel truck? no. all of the small businesses you see around, businesses of all kinds, happen because someone believed enough in themselves and their abilities. because they dared.

i'm otherwise a confident person.  so why don't i dare?

15 comments:

Will said...

I dunno if it's a male/female thing ... However, for me, it was simply the realization I was good at something and I just went after it. I didn't make a 5 yeear plan or write out an outline or any of the other commonly used structures.

In fact, as the years went by, opportunity was what changed the work for me. Someone would ask, "Can you do this?" and I would answer, "Of course." Even if it was a first time thing. That was how I began writing ... I was asked and I said yes even tho I had never written anything but college stuff.

I guess one either believes or doesn't. And reasons why it can't be done are mostly rationalizations.

Tracy Golightly-Garcia said...

Hey Julie
I understand how you feel--I give anything if I could pack up and move to England. I tell people, "I would move if I knew I had a job, a place to live and my daughter had a good school to attend."
I would take your creative class if I lived near you--would learn so much:). Are you still going to offer a class on line? Keep me updated--you have your first student!

Best
Tracy :)

Lost Star said...

If I could, I would come to your creative weekends! My mum would love it too!

I think that men don't internalize as much as women. They just think and do. Women work through it all in depth? Maybe. Just from my point of view at this time.

If you are unsure, could you take some absence and jump in and see what happens? Maybe work part time.

I know this doesn't help much, but know that I think you could do it. You just need to take a leap of faith in yourself.

The Painting Queen said...

It's a trust the Universe thing.

I was a single mom with two small kids. The last two companies I had worked for had closed, and moved to other parts of the country. I realized there was no corporate security, (and that was in the eighties). I was the only person I could really count on in life. I just believed in myself. Like Will I would say that I knew how to do things I never tried. I just knew I could do it and I did!

My mother and former partners were always telling me to get "a real job."

You have to be able to ignore naysayers and killers of dreams. I guess that could even include your own thoughts about yourself.

The Painting Queen said...

Thank you so much for visiting my blog. I am honored. I really admire your photography skills.

I think if you have a strong support system with your partner, family and friends (including internet friends - which your blog following shows many!) it may take the edge off of the fear of making the leap into the Universes arms.

Char said...

i don't know if it's really question of daring so much as it's a question of responsibility and consequences. i don't quit my job because i like my way of living and don't want to sacrifice to the level that i would need to do to begin to live on my art....and i hesitate making my art my business because i do not want to become irritated or pressed to create when the muse is not speaking to me. all i know is that every hobby i've ever tried to make income - i ended up hating. maybe that is some of the things that could be making you walk that line.

Marilynne said...

I think you'll know when it's time to jump off the work train and take off on your own. Meanwhile, just give it careful consideration. , , and keep blogging!

rayfamily said...

Julie,

This is such a tough one! B & I have pondered it so much since moving. He's absolutley ready to be done with what we do now. Can we live off the land and support ourselves and family from what we produce and being creative? Then I think that we jumped into the unknown when we bought this business, but a little age and kids have made me soft ;) You are so talented, I'll bet you could find sponsers in a heartbeat! I know I've not been much help, but I do so understand the thought process and uncertainty.

I would love to come to a creative weekend! Ahh the miles...

Sandra said...

I have a slight advantage, as I have met you. You, in my opinion, can do whatever you set your mind to. That does not mean it will be easy, but you have a confidence and a presence that makes me certain you will succeed.

I think you will dare. Sometimes it takes time to come to a conclusion.

Lynne said...

Oh, this resonated with me so much!

I had so much to say that I wrote a blog inspired by this post instead of filling up your comments!

Corinne said...

After weighing pro's and con's it ends up being a leap of faith I think. However, wouldn't be wonderful to be that 1 in a thousand person who loves the work they do? who can live their passion? who can use their talent and creative spirit to live their best life? *ps, also need to have a back-up plan to reduce anxiety during transition.

Shannon Tucker Photography said...

Isn't there a saying, "do what you love and the money will come"?

So, quit and do your art....if it doesn't work out, you can always go back to work. Or, find a 'paying' job that you can do from home and do your art simultaneously until you feel that the art will sustain you.

You don't seem to have a problem finding good jobs with your skill set,(should you quit) so, leap, jump, soar.....what's the worst that could happen?

s

Pia K said...

i totally know the feeling, i've had it for so many years, for me it's basically the thing with "i need this amount of money to pay the bills and mortgage each month and there's no way getting around that" and if you're not a woman of completely independent means or have complete financial support from partner or need very little money for basic needs (at least to begin with) it's tough... and utterly soul crushing in the long run. blah:(

i would love so to make a leap... and i'm so tired of all those *let's...* *shouldn't we...* one regularly have with friends that never come to anything concrete...

andrea said...

I do agree to many sayings ghere but my english is not good enough to find the right words for this subject .. all readers have a good weekend

seamus said...

Bravo Julie,

I think everyone suffers from those thoughts. I stayed in a job for 22 years because I was afraid, insecure and unsure of myself. It wasn't until I lost my job did I summon the courage to do something on my own. If you have the resources to do it I say jump and don't think about it. Things will always work out the way they are supposed to. Buona Fortuna.