it's all about focus

sometimes all of the possibilities before me leave me feeling listless and unable to focus. with so many different things to focus on, i tend not to focus at all, but wander from one to the other, without really finishing or exploring any of them to their fullest. this is true of sewing projects, business ideas, gardens (i still haven't planted that basil in the greenhouse), bread left baking in the oven (i could go on). 

a friend of mine is using this whole week to get her focus and her priorities straight and sharing the whole process on her blog. (it's in danish, apologies to my largely english-speaking audience).  and while i find it a little new agey (don't get me wrong, i had a new age phase in the late 80s in southern california, as one does, and i loved it fully then, but i've moved on), however, i think the idea is a good one. to really dig in and figure out what the hell it is that makes you tick. (and by you i mean me.)

i suppose everyone goes through this, a midlife crisis of sorts, where you wonder if you're living the right life and if you've focused on the right things and whether what you've done matters. and i suppose the answer is always that sometimes you did and sometimes you didn't. and that sometimes it's hard to tell when you're in the middle of it all.

all you can really hope is that you can somehow tune in to what it is that makes you tick. and then focus on that.

the crooked path

the crooked path

catching up once again on the reverb10 prompts. it seems like i get more out of them and they feel more connected when i do several at once, so i'm going with it. blogging's cheaper than therapy, remember?

december 18 – try: what do you want to try next year? is there something you wanted to try in 2010? what happened when you did / didn’t go for it?

i think the biggest thing i wanted to try in 2010 was to have a year of not buying things. anything i didn't need - so food would be ok, clothes and shoes not so much. and i have to say that although i became a slightly more conscious consumer, i was an utter failure at not buying things. in fact, in 2010, we bought a new house, a new (used) car and a horse, an iPad and a MacBook Air (damn you apple for your tempting, irresistible products). so it wasn't a very good year as far as keeping that promise went.

husband and i were just discussing the consumer rat race this evening over dinner. we have good salaries and admittedly probably have an above-average income. but we find sometimes that we don't really know where our money goes. and we have so much we want to do with the house that we need to be a whole lot better at that.

i lamented to husband my panicked feeling over the whole christmas gift scene and we talked about next year (always next year) doing only handmade or vintage gifts. or maybe not attaching the whole gift thing so tightly to christmas...just imagine running onto something that's perfect for someone you love, buying it and giving it to them out of the blue, rather than waiting 'til christmas, panic-buying some tat and giving it because you feel you have to. in this day and age, let's face it, if people want something, they get it, they don't wait for a holiday and hope for it, so we don't need gifts in the same way we perhaps once did. so a gift could really take on new meaning and be something really from the heart, if we made it or found just the right thing, whenever that may be. if you think about it, christmas is an arbitrary date anyway, so why should the gift giving especially be then?

i want to consume in a more conscious and thoughtful way in 2011. i want to recycle and upcycle and buy vintage instead of new (following this philosphy, we did that with the car and the house in 2010, so we're not entirely off track). i want the gifts i give to be meaningful and thoughtful and not driven by anxiety.

december 19 – healing:  what healed you this year? was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? how would you like to be healed in 2011? 

i don't know that i was really that broken in 2010, tho' i think i went through a mild depression brought on by a whole lot of change all at once. i think i'm uncomfortable with the notion that the pervading culture pushes on us all the time that we are broken and need some kind of medicine or book or guru or guide in order to be fixed. i think we just are as we are and that includes bumps and bruises along the way - it's part of the natural order of things. and i resist the notion that i am in constant need of healing.

december 20 – beyond avoidance: what should you have done this year but didn’t because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (bonus: will you do it?)

a year ago at this time, i had the chance to try to strike out on my own and live from my own creativity in some fashion or another. and i didn't do it. i let fear get in the way, but i also let a whole lot of other major things get in the way...a move across the country, selling a house, buying another one, a change of lifestyle. and in that process, i didn't dare to also have the uncertainty of starting up on my own and not knowing that i'd have a monthly paycheck of a certain, predictable amount. i think it was a natural fear, but now that so many of those other changes are in place, i'm much more ready now to take those steps into trusting myself and my creativity and my abilities. i think there's no doubt that now i will, even if it is a crooked path ahead, i'm ready for it now.

looking for magic

i find myself thinking about everyday magic. mostly because there have been a couple of times this week when i really needed some and i wasn't very good at finding it. and i'll admit that i find it to be almost completely lacking at the office (tho' the special café in the canteen makes a very nice day-brightening latté that might almost qualify). but if you remember to look for the small moments of magic, they actually are there. a laugh shared with a colleague, a very good discussion that really puts you in flow, little nigglings of intuition that you just can't explain, a frivolous conversation about the superiority of mac (cosmetics, not computers, tho' those are also superior) paint pots and pigments.

it's much easier to find magic around home. especially if the sun should happen to shine as it did quite a lot this week. i find it's really easy to find magic in the sunshine. and i think i'm so much more aware of that now that i constantly think in the photographic potential of everything.

then there are unexpected things that happen that remind you of the path you may have lost sight of...and you come into a loom that you can have for free. and tho' you already have one, two seems even better. more magical, if you will. and you sort of want to fast forward to the time when the new blue room will be finished upstairs and you'll have space for those two looms to be set up. but then you remember that the everyday magic is found in the here and now and in the enjoying of the journey along the way. time goes fast enough as it is without wishing it to go faster.

so you think about paying attention so you don't miss any of the magic of the next couple of weeks - of time to be spent with new friends who feel like old friends (but are also technically new friends since you've never met in person), with old friends who feel like your favorite pair of jeans, to literally old friends who you hope you are like when you yourself are old, and to time spent with family - laughing and teasing and being silly.

i'll be checking in when i can, but mostly, i'll probably just be out there, picking up pieces of magic (and undoubtedly photographing them) to share when i get back.