how we make decisions or how do we make decisions?

i started a new job nearly two months ago and two weeks ago, when i got the opportunity to return to my old job, i accepted it. i hadn't made the decision to leave lightly and when i made it, i felt it was the right decision. some very big things changed at the new workplace in the interim and when i got there, i discovered that it was very much not the right decision. i am privileged to be able to go back to my old job, where i know that i have great colleagues and where my work is appreciated and makes a difference.

i'm finishing up at the new job this week and trying my best to finish up all the projects i'm involved in. it's so disheartening to have the reasons that made me regret the new job underlined for me again today. the main person that i have to work with (not a co-worker, more the client) seems to be actively working against me. i've asked her multiple questions today and she hasn't answered any of them. i can't finish today's work without her answers. i even tried to book her for a quick teams meeting and she suggested a time tomorrow, even though she wants the article i'm working on today. it feels like she wants me to do a bad job so that she can be confirmed in her opinion that the agency i work for doesn't provide good work. 

i'm trying not to take it personally, but i really don't understand it.

* ~ * ~ *

and this stupid blow-by-blow timeline is boring the hell out of me. i should find a way to tell it in metaphor. or as a fairytale. if i did, it would undoubtedly involve a naive, well-meaning character who trusts too much and a dragon that turns out to be an ugly troll. and who will indulge in even more intense troll-like behavior the next day, though i didn't know that at the time i wrote the paragraphs above.

* ~ * ~ *

but it all has me thinking about decisions and how we make them. we make them with a combination of thought, cost-benefit analysis, and excitement with a bit of gut feeling thrown in. and in any decision, one of those will weigh a bit more than the others and be what tips the scales. in this case, i made a big list of pros and cons of each job, thought about it endlessly, discussed it with husband even more endlessly and then went with my gut, which told me to take the new job. but it seems my gut didn't know the whole story. 

but was it my gut? any decision is a complex thing. i got the new job through a headhunter who contacted me last summer. at that time, things were a bit rocky at my job, my boss was going down with stress and making himself and everyone else miserable and i'd spent that first year of covid doing a whole lot of things that were not what i was hired to do. and i'll admit, it's awfully flattering to be contacted by a headhunter. and i'm susceptible to that sort of flattery. it's always nice to be wanted. 

but was that it? i think it was part of it. the other part was some baggage created by the aforementioned stressed manager. he had done his best to convince me that he doubted my abilities, though how he knew what they were when he hadn't let me do any of the tasks i was hired for, i don't know. he even criticized me for how many tabs i kept open on my computer, as if that was any of his business. or as if it had any meaning whatsover. he actually wanted to use that fact to deny me the chance to actually start doing what i had been hired to do. he also spent half of my development talk waxing on and on about how awesome my colleague was. so yes, there was baggage. and despite him actually having left the company by the time i accepted the new job, it was still a big factor. carrying all that baggage around is hard work.

so what about my decision to go back to that job? that's a complex thing as well. it's partially the danish karen who was my main client at the new job and it's once again, a bit of flattery. it's flattering when your old boss calls and asks if you'd like to return. and if you're in the middle of something that wasn't what you expected it to be and you don't think it looks like you can actually do anything about making it better, it's that much more appealing. i'll admit that i was also missing my old team - we were close and it felt so comfortable and fun. i missed laughing and having a good time with them (hmm, i wonder if that's the most important factor in decision making? feeling like you belong?). and so i said yes.

and today, i started anew. and it really did feel like a fresh start. like i could leave the baggage of the old boss on the platform and start anew, on more secure footing and feeling like i was appreciated for what my new boss (who was the old boss' boss) knows that i can do. it also helps that i have a proper job description this time and that i find all the tasks in it to be right up my alley.

and so, it feels like the right decision. for a whole variety of reasons. and time will tell if they hold up. but for now, my gut tells me that they will. 

wisdom is a tooth

dec, 10 – wisdom: wisdom. what was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?

in this year of change, we made a lot of decisions (some wise and some not so wise). probably the biggest was that we decided to move to an old farmhouse that came with 17 acres of land and one end of a small lake on the other side of the country. the house is in way worse shape than we thought it was (you don't tend to start removing big expanses of plaster from someone else's house while you're deciding to buy it) and there have been moments when we've thought holy fokkin' shit, what have we done?  but then there are moments. lots of them. where i wander the property in all kinds of different weather and i feel, deep in my soul, that we made a wise decision. i feel a sense of peace here. a rightness of place. and i realize that whether something is wise or not takes time to figure out. it might take years, but it feels again and again like this is where we belong.

monday wonderings or where is global warming when you need it?

monday wonderings...

~ why are weekends only two days?

~ how did we not notice that the house is crumbling to dust in places?

~ will i survive another day without internet at home?

~ why do i still need my winter coat in may? (aka where is the global warming when you need it?)

~ what are we going to do with all those strawberries when they come?

~ how did we live without a horse for so long?

~ will i ever truly be done with the laundry?

~ why do people drive like insane maniacs on country roads?

~ why does the coffee around here taste like dishwater?

~ how/when did nokia so lose the plot on phone design?

~ who knew matilde was such a glorious jumper?

what are you wondering this monday?

greetings from the danish countryside or contrary to popular belief, i survived the move

hello everybody! as you may have gathered, our home is still an internet-free zone. despite having ordered the connection more than two weeks ago, the provider - let's just name names here - TDC - hasn't even contacted me!!! arrgh!! so i'm left sneaking in a bit of time at the beginning or end of my work day for a bit of blogging therapy.

we got most of our stuff moved late last week. there are a few things left in the old house (christmas decorations in the attic for one), but since we haven't sold the house yet and it's nowhere near christmas, there's no rush on that stuff. we are going over to do a thorough cleaning on saturday since we left dust bunnies everywhere in our haste to get the truck loaded then unloaded and given back to the rental company. and we'll definitely be getting sushi for dinner at the new sushi place in our old town, as it'll no doubt be another decade before one comes to our new town. the things we give up for the sake of adventure.

the new house is proving interesting. i have, on three occasions, felt that it was actually speaking to me. first, when i hung our pretty, bright new cycling helmets on a peg in the entryway, i felt a palpable sense of happiness surge through me. the second time, i had put on a mix of jack johnson (that man's got to be the happiest man on the planet, doesn't he?) songs and had a strong sense of the house awakening, as if it had been asleep like something out of sleeping beauty or rumplestiltskin, and was awakening to find itself filled with happy music and people. the last time was when the old owner stopped by to show husband how to do some things with the temperamental furnace (it's one of those that uses little wooden pills as fuel). the house made it clear to me, by putting me in a very black mood, that it wasn't fond of him. it may sound strange but i was completely aware that of the source of the mood was coming from the house.

speaking of the house - it's probably not going to be that happy with us when it finds out that we're going to be tearing it down - at least part of it anyway. much to the relief of our architect, who was recommending that from the beginning. it will give us an opportunity to get rid of the worst problems (bricks that were painted in horrible plastic paint at some point and which have turned to powder underneath that paint) and it will also give us the opportunity to do some kind of amazing modern addition onto the bits of the old house that we leave intact. i'll have to find a way to break it to the house gently.

tho' the days have been strangely cold, it has often been sunny and most evenings the sunset light has been golden and amazing. its wonderful to walk down around our own little lake and listen to the birds singing and talk about our plans for the property. from that standpoint, the move feels like it was most definitely the right thing.

sabin's new horse, matilde, arrived yesterday. we are all madly in love with her. if you'd like to see more, there are pictures here. we're so fortunate that we can keep her at our neighbors' house, where they have a lovely outdoor riding arena and 8 stalls in their barn. happily, they have only six horses themselves, so there was room for matilde. and the fence above is around one of the paddocks where she will get to eat grass during the day.

i am scribbling loads of notes in my little red notebook (thanks spud for that - turns out it's not just for grudges, tho' they are also plentiful), so i assure you there will be much more when i'm back online at home and can indulge in my nightowl blogging once again.