how we make decisions or how do we make decisions?

i started a new job nearly two months ago and two weeks ago, when i got the opportunity to return to my old job, i accepted it. i hadn't made the decision to leave lightly and when i made it, i felt it was the right decision. some very big things changed at the new workplace in the interim and when i got there, i discovered that it was very much not the right decision. i am privileged to be able to go back to my old job, where i know that i have great colleagues and where my work is appreciated and makes a difference.

i'm finishing up at the new job this week and trying my best to finish up all the projects i'm involved in. it's so disheartening to have the reasons that made me regret the new job underlined for me again today. the main person that i have to work with (not a co-worker, more the client) seems to be actively working against me. i've asked her multiple questions today and she hasn't answered any of them. i can't finish today's work without her answers. i even tried to book her for a quick teams meeting and she suggested a time tomorrow, even though she wants the article i'm working on today. it feels like she wants me to do a bad job so that she can be confirmed in her opinion that the agency i work for doesn't provide good work. 

i'm trying not to take it personally, but i really don't understand it.

* ~ * ~ *

and this stupid blow-by-blow timeline is boring the hell out of me. i should find a way to tell it in metaphor. or as a fairytale. if i did, it would undoubtedly involve a naive, well-meaning character who trusts too much and a dragon that turns out to be an ugly troll. and who will indulge in even more intense troll-like behavior the next day, though i didn't know that at the time i wrote the paragraphs above.

* ~ * ~ *

but it all has me thinking about decisions and how we make them. we make them with a combination of thought, cost-benefit analysis, and excitement with a bit of gut feeling thrown in. and in any decision, one of those will weigh a bit more than the others and be what tips the scales. in this case, i made a big list of pros and cons of each job, thought about it endlessly, discussed it with husband even more endlessly and then went with my gut, which told me to take the new job. but it seems my gut didn't know the whole story. 

but was it my gut? any decision is a complex thing. i got the new job through a headhunter who contacted me last summer. at that time, things were a bit rocky at my job, my boss was going down with stress and making himself and everyone else miserable and i'd spent that first year of covid doing a whole lot of things that were not what i was hired to do. and i'll admit, it's awfully flattering to be contacted by a headhunter. and i'm susceptible to that sort of flattery. it's always nice to be wanted. 

but was that it? i think it was part of it. the other part was some baggage created by the aforementioned stressed manager. he had done his best to convince me that he doubted my abilities, though how he knew what they were when he hadn't let me do any of the tasks i was hired for, i don't know. he even criticized me for how many tabs i kept open on my computer, as if that was any of his business. or as if it had any meaning whatsover. he actually wanted to use that fact to deny me the chance to actually start doing what i had been hired to do. he also spent half of my development talk waxing on and on about how awesome my colleague was. so yes, there was baggage. and despite him actually having left the company by the time i accepted the new job, it was still a big factor. carrying all that baggage around is hard work.

so what about my decision to go back to that job? that's a complex thing as well. it's partially the danish karen who was my main client at the new job and it's once again, a bit of flattery. it's flattering when your old boss calls and asks if you'd like to return. and if you're in the middle of something that wasn't what you expected it to be and you don't think it looks like you can actually do anything about making it better, it's that much more appealing. i'll admit that i was also missing my old team - we were close and it felt so comfortable and fun. i missed laughing and having a good time with them (hmm, i wonder if that's the most important factor in decision making? feeling like you belong?). and so i said yes.

and today, i started anew. and it really did feel like a fresh start. like i could leave the baggage of the old boss on the platform and start anew, on more secure footing and feeling like i was appreciated for what my new boss (who was the old boss' boss) knows that i can do. it also helps that i have a proper job description this time and that i find all the tasks in it to be right up my alley.

and so, it feels like the right decision. for a whole variety of reasons. and time will tell if they hold up. but for now, my gut tells me that they will. 

is i maven my ass

i'm not religious, not in a conventional sense, but i have a fatalistic streak, undoubtedly from having been raised presbyterian (which in our little town was more of a social distinction than a religious one). and i keep wondering if all of these big red flashing lights that have gone off in front of me about sabin's trip to russia are really and truly signs. and if they were and i didn't listen to them, how will i ever live with it? but what if they're not and my expectations to the professionalism of a flock of amateur clowns who normally spend their days playing pool after school with a bunch of quasi-teenagers are simply too high? how do you decide? and how do you live with your decisions afterwards? arrgh!

a friend told me to have is i maven - ice(cream?) in my stomach, if i literally translate. but i don't think it has anything to do with courage, it's more a question of trust. do i trust these people to take care of my 12-year-old daughter in st. petersburg when they can't actually communicate properly or provide me with a simple flight itinerary?  i really don't know what to do about this. are they just a bunch of amateurs who venture no further than a german bunker on a danish beach during their own vacations, so they have no idea what information they should provide? will it all be ok once they get there, because after all, they are used to spending time with young people and even accustomed to traveling with them (to places like berlin, copenhagen, paris and norway)? or will they be as condescending and arrogant with my child as they are towards me? i really feel i don't have the answers to those questions and they certainly aren't forthcoming with the details i've been asking for either. is it the biggest sign of all that they can't even spell st. petersburg in what little correspondence they have had? when is a sign a sign?

gut feelings

photo of frankie's tummy (get it? gut feelings?)

how do you make decisions? do you think things through thoroughly and weigh all of the possibilities? or do you follow your heart? or a feeling in the pit of your stomach? do you take ages? or do you decide in an instant? do you line up all of your arguments and then decide? or do you do it on a whim? does it depend on what kind of decision it is - new house, new spouse, new shoes, what to have for dinner?

what happens when you make a decision in a different way than you're accustomed? when you don't follow your gut like you normally would? or when you do where you normally wouldn't? does it feel wrong and uncomfortable? or does it feel transformative?

changing is hard work. but i think that one thing that doesn't change for me is that my gut tells me the answer that's right for me when i'm facing big decisions. when i don't listen to that feeling in the pit of my stomach, i feel unsettled and just not right. there have been times when i didn't (especially a bad job and a mistake first husband) and i always regretted it. one of the changes i'm trying to make is that i tune into those feelings, listen to them and act on them. doing more of what my gut tells me to do.

the problem is that you can't always explain it. and people do look at you a bit funny when you say, "it just feels right." but i'm learning to go with the flow on that and trust my own instincts. and i'm slowly letting go of a need to explain. and at the age of 45, it's about time...

room for a pony

two days. eight properties. so many thoughts swirling in my head. i think i've narrowed the 8 to 4. and can safely say that two are totally and completely out. another one, i didn't actually get to look at due to it being inhabited by germans with whom i shared no language and the scattered disorganization of the agent responsible for the property.  and one ruled out based on the fact that i drove past the wrong one (tho' that one was great!) because someone had written down/told us the wrong address.  and i bought a truly fabulous orange coat (hangs head in shame at violation of year of not buying things) at an outlet i stumbled on just east of the middle of nowhere.

but how DO you decide which house to buy? there are so many factors at play, it seems overwhelming. we want a horse (danish law says horses are social animals and we have to have two, so actually, we want two). we want enough land for said horses and for a big garden. we want a nice barn. we want a house that although it might need some fixing up, is livable in the meantime. we want it to be within a reasonable distance to work and school and grocery stores. we don't want to be too far from other people, but not too close either. we don't want there to be a highway planned through the middle of the property. we want it to be a good neighborhood without too many originaler. there should be a riding school nearby. it should be big enough for my coming fabric shop/café/blog camp HQ. there shouldn't be bits of it falling off. we shouldn't wish that it came with a bulldozer.

the ideal property would actually be the land from one i looked at, the house from another and the barn from a third. where i grew up, my parents found the land, built a basement and moved in the house and barn from other locations, so they combined the things they wanted in one place. i'm afraid with large brick buildings, that's not going to be possible here. so we're going to have to make the decision the old fashioned way. by talking about it endlessly and thinking really hard. sigh.