layers of history

while in istanbul a few weeks ago, i visited the ayasofya. it must be one of the most magnificent human made structures in the world. built by justinian starting in 532, it has stood stoically through regimes and wars and earthquakes and fires, shifting religions and rises and falls of empires. it remains, implacable, its scars visible, but none able to mar its beauty.

the layers of its history are there to be seen - mosaics of kings and saints side by side with enormous quotes from the quran in arabic. tiles on the floor that saw the coronation of emperors and sultans. stone staircases worn smooth by the feet that trod on them for millennia.

we got in at the very end of the day, so there weren't many people. it was quiet and monumental. and in the quiet it felt like if you listened hard enough, you could hear the whispers of the stories that vast, ancient place had seen - the multitude of voices which had passed through, the games played, palace intrigues conducted, prayers said, speeches and sermons proclaimed. all of those stories whispering from the walls. i wanted to hide in some corner and stay after closing, to hear them all...

* * *

i'm so sad - andrei bitov is dead. 

i wrote my master's thesis on pushkin house and

had i finished my Ph.D., i would have written on his work.
but 81 is no bad age. my dad nearly made it there as well.
and today he would have been 85.

giving thanks

it's thanksgiving and it feels like 2016 hasn't given us a lot to be thankful for. the death of david bowie, prince, leonard cohen, as well as brexit and trump -  it's been a rather brutal year. at least for the world.  personally, it's been pretty good. so i think i'll focus on that.

first, i'm thankful for husband. and for the amazing young woman that the child is becoming. i'm thankful that my job has taken me new places - poland, latvia, estonia, belgium and paris. i'm thankful for the fun and creative people i've had the chance to work with all year.  i'm thankful that my back is better. i'm thankful for yoga - for it bringing me in touch with my body again. i'm thankful that i get to spend the week in copenhagen and retreat to the countryside to husband and the garden and the cats on the weekend. i'm grateful for friends - both virtual and irl. i'm thankful for podcasts, the pantsuit nation facebook group, for my cousin who is letting the child stay for her year of high school, for seeing my hometown through her eyes (good and bad (and honestly, it's mostly bad)).

i'm thankful for late nights with friends, drinking wine and solving the world's problems (and also a few wardrobe-related problems). and great food (that sushi in gdansk, a seriously good ramen in london and foie gras in paris). and amazing projects. and the opportunity to be in a london bell tower, both listening to and watching the bells being rung. and for what happens when you share your ideas and are willing to let go of them and let them become what they are meant to be, which is so much more than you imagined. and by you, i mean me.

and i'm grateful for being seen. for unfolding. for transformation and becoming. and finally finding out what i can do.

and i'm also thankful for kittens. and laughter. and candles. and mac highlighter, and benefits mascara and urban decay eyeshadow. and for a day when we think about it all and are thankful. despite all of the other stuff that's going on.

happy thanksgiving, one and all.

distracted is the new black

as i did my morning scan of what happened on the iPad while i was asleep, it was such a relief to read this piece on chucking mindfulness out the window. i thought it was going to be a humorous piss-take on all that mindfulness claptrap that's so pervasive out there these days. but instead it was a thoughtful and in-depth look at what's wrong with mindfulness (can you say narcissism?) and why it doesn't necessarily make you happy.

i've actually been suspicious of mindfulness for awhile. and while i relish my daily moment, camera in hand, where i wander the backyard, looking for my photo opportunity for the day, in reality that moment lasts only 5 minutes. the rest of my day is spent in a rather distracted state - juggling tasks, articles and emails on two computers (sometimes 3), tethered to my scribbled to-do list. in between, i make myself a cup of coffee, put on a load of laundry, occasionally vacuum and fight a never-ending battle against the spiderwebs and dust. i plan dinner, i pick strawberries, i run to the store for milk, i send some emails, i work on blog pieces and articles and my freelance tasks, sometimes i go to the office, but often i work on all of this from home. i feed the bunnies, throw the horses some hay, prepare for community board meetings, discover new podcasts, read voraciously, drive the child to a friend's house. and while i spend a lot of my day in front of screens, it sometimes feels like i never sit down. and to be honest, the more of these activities there are, the more content i feel. my moments of restlessness and discontent come when i'm not busy enough, when my mind doesn't have a million things to process.

i find my moments of downtime in the midst of all of that...when i'm working in the garden, i'm usually listening to a podcast. while i make dinner, i have a series going on netflix. when i'm waiting for the child at the train station, i'm checking facebook or instagram on my phone. while i eat a solitary lunch, i scan the new york times on my iPad or catch an episode of sex and the city and decouple for awhile. these moments send me back to my tasks ready to concentrate again. but are they mindful? i'm not sure. and i'm unconvinced that they have to be.

i think we naturally seek towards the things we need...when the writing isn't going anywhere, i get up and take a walk or just hang up some laundry and start a new load. sometimes i take a short 20 minute nap. then i come back and i'm able to work. and i instinctively do these things. sometimes, yes, i wait too long and try to force the words to come and that never works. but stepping away, doing something else, and then coming back always works. it seems that allowing myself to be distracted from the task at hand is a good thing for that task in the long run.

maybe mindfulness is just another word for listening to yourself and what you need in order to get things done. and maybe what you need is to juggle 20 tasks at once, shifting between them at lightning speed. maybe that makes you tick. and you know what? that's just fine. maybe distracted is the new black.

and seriously, do go read the piece on good. and while it's a little bit hard to take someone named taffy seriously, don't be put off by that. it's definitely worth reading.

* * *

is this the perfect american roadtrip?