for about 5 minutes...

...we were going to have a tail-ender. a little sweet person with tiny little feet to keep us young for years to come. it was a bit of a shock at our advanced ages (me 41, husband 43), but we were adjusting to the notion in our heads. and we were quite excited about it, we do after all know what we're doing now. it was just barely soon enough to tell, but the test didn't lie. and then, last night, i woke up feeling all crampy and realized that it was not to be. that's really disheartening.

it takes my breath away how quickly you can get your brain used to a shocking idea. and how quickly you can come to count on it. we were making all sorts of plans in our heads...arrangement of rooms in the house, what to do about the high chair and baby bed we just gave away, thinking we'd never need them, the notion that it was husband's last chance for a boy (him being really outnumbered by girls at our house), even names were tossed around.

yes, the timing was dumb. yes, we're old. yes, we'd be REALLY old by the time the child left the nest. and yes, these things likely happen because there's something wrong, so it's probably for the best. and my inner fatalist presbyterian knows that. but we liked the idea. and now it's not to be. and i feel sad. i think it's going to take longer than five minutes to get past this.