just get writing already

thanks to my old bloggy friend, lynne, of wheatlands, i read a magnificent piece by helen brain on her writing process of her forthcoming post-apocalyptic YA trilogy. it had me thinking all day. thinking about building imagined worlds in clay, or at least drawing them as a map, maybe drawing up a timeline on the wall. you see, lynne, judith (also from the old bloggy days) and i are working on a project together - a project that we hope becomes a novel.  or rather, not that we hope will become a novel - a project that WILL become a novel.

but for that to happen, we need to get writing and i'm weirdly struggling with that. it's strange, because i actually love to write and although i'm out of practice, i feel it's like riding a bike, i will be able to do it again if i just try. but, i'm having trouble sitting down and doing it. and i'm not sure why.

i listened to stephen king's on writing on audible and he basically says that you just have to sit down and do the work, day after day. and look at all that he's produced! and he did it drunk, high and hung over for many years, so surely i can manage when i'm none of those and have plenty of time to devote to it.

so what's stopping me? fear that what i write won't be good enough for my writing partners? fear that the words won't come? distractions - the internet, master chef, netflix, litterboxes to pick, laundry to do, dinners to make. i think, "today i'll be able to settle in after i make a nice coffee for myself. or just after i have some lunch." but somehow, the settling in doesn't happen. i get fidgety in front of the keyboard and the writing doesn't come.

i sometimes wonder if i'm in the midst of a mild depression. i'm not sure i'd be able to discern the difference between it and everyday life. january and february are the darkest, most dreary months in these northern latitudes and that doesn't help me. you'd think a steady rain outside would be just what i need to keep me indoors in front of the computer, but alas, instead it renders me sluggish and uninspired and a bit grey myself and as much as it should, it does not make me sit down and write. (that's not strictly true, as i am sitting down and writing this.)

i love the story we're working on - a story of a brave, amazing young dutch woman who sailed as a man with the dutch east india company, was exposed along the voyage and put ashore in the burgeoning cape colony. there she met abraham, an aging pillar of the new community, who married her and they had a child before it was revealed that she was already married and she was sentenced to bigamy and banished back to europe. and all of this is true! we just have to weave it into a historical novel and bring her story to life.

maybe it's there that the pressure lies - the idea of telling her story and doing it justice is a bit daunting. she must have been so brave and adventurous to set off on that journey, how do we find her voice?  all i know is that i certainly won't find it by sitting here, not writing anything.

and so i turn back to helen brain's good advice to herself..."Maybe all that was needed for my book was the courage to push myself into unknown territory. Maybe I could immerse myself in my subconscious, and let the book filter up from the depths, instead of trying to force it to conform to my conscious process."

or maybe i should just get writing.

the quiet time between christmas and new year's

these long, yet all-too-short days between christmas and new year's stretch out before me, nearly half gone now. i'm working, listening to hours of interviews we've done for the podcast i'm working on at the moment. but there is also time for some long reads, like this achingly beautiful story of home and belonging by jamila osman. these dark, wintery days have that quality where time seems to slow down, after hurtling forward at breakneck speed for most of this year. i can feel that i needed that. but i can also feel that too many days of togetherness are taking their toll. i need some alone time. i find myself feeling irritable and snappy. i love my family dearly and we've laughed, eaten some good food and played cards together endlessly in recent days. but i need them to go away, just for a few hours. or i need it to stop with the relentless rain so that i can go for a long walk. to be alone in my own head, with only myself and maybe my camera for company. perhaps tomorrow it won't be raining...

mood

about right now:

~ there is a (disturbingly large) segment of the population that is wilfully, proudly dumb. that's disconcerting. people who were dumb used to want to conceal that fact. i wish they would again. i blame reagan for the fact that they no longer want to do this. and doubly so dubya. and now, we see the results of it with the current dysfunctional administration.

~ sometimes it's fun to go against your own nature and just quietly observe instead of jumping into the conversation with your own stories. or rehearsing them in your head before it's your turn and then not really listening. this is also hard. but undoubtedly good for you. and by you, i mean me.

~ when your own mother is losing her mind, it's always interesting to listen to someone else's lightly racist mother reminisce. being able to remember is a good thing.

~ husband took a disgusting manufactured (albeit locally) plastic-wrapped cake of the sort that will be what survives a nuclear war (which these days, is closer than we might think/hope) to his meeting instead of the beautiful homemade cake that i made for him. he took the cake i made for him along, but "forgot" it in the car. the purchased cake was a joke. apparently. (tho' i fail to see the punchline if one doesn't reveal that one has actually brought a proper cake.) but i'm not bitter. or maybe i am. seriously, wtf?

~ i would feel better if we just had a few days of sunshine. i'm definitely in an end-of-winter-darkness funk. and probably have a serious vitamin d deficiency.

cross-processed dreams of summer

i got a bunch of films developed when i was in new york. i had waited way too long. but somehow in these dark, dreary, pre-solstice days, where we are awaiting a storm, it seems good to look back on these bright, cross-processed memories of summers past. and dream of summers to come.

hmm, i do wonder where that pentax camera is...

* * *

and speaking of weather. 

and winter.

there is this marvelous piece.

i'm so glad there are still people and places like this in the world.

a walk in the woods

i'm finally surfacing after a week-long battle with the flu. it was a mean one - i've not been knocked down by a flu like this in years. i didn't even turn on my computer tuesday, wednesday, thursday and most of friday, so you know it was bad. i mostly laid in bed reading harry potter. i was even too weak to sit upright and knit or watch t.v. i didn't even get out the iPad and the netflix, as that seemed like too much trouble. poor husband didn't get a nice anniversary dinner and i still owe him a birthday cake. but perhaps this coming week i'll remedy that.

our winter is quite mild and to clear my head of the last of the lingering germs, husband and i went for a walk on this very still, just above freezing day. the air was cold and crisp and fresh in my lungs and felt like just what i needed. our snow is gone, leaving the world a bit grey, but if you look closely, there are bits of magic here and there.

i hope to keep glimpsing them in the week ahead as i slowly surface from my flu.

hedgehog in the fog

there are things i love about winter - candles, fragrant hyacinth, hot elderberry drinks. but what i hate is when winter doesn't really come. it's been grey, grey, grey for over a week. we've had mild temperatures, and a bit of rain, but we haven't had proper winter. we, and the trees and plants and soil, need some cold temperatures and a blanket of snow. i can handle the darkness this time of year when there's snow.  but i'll admit these unrelentingly grey days are chipping away at my will to live. or at least my will to remain awake. i'm thinking of crawling into bed and hibernating 'til spring. those hedgehogs know what they're doing.

speaking of hedgehogs, i know i've shared this before, long ago, but i give you hedgehog in the fog (Ёжик в тумане), a delightful little piece of russian animation from 1975:

i hope it lifts your spirits as it did mine.

a bit random for today, but it's been grey and dreary for days

small stone :: four

chickens pecking in the herb beds. a little half-grown grey cat stalks, doing the pre-launch wiggle of her haunches and then running straight for one little black hen. she aborts at the last minute, not daring after all. and the chicken gives her a good scolding.

small stone :: five

looking at a friend's photos of armenia on facebook. hearing the echoes of memories not my own in the beautiful, evocative images. feeling provoked to tears.

~~~

vignettes of memories:

going to a bar in kazan with my russian (tatar?) girlfriends. it wasn't something they did often (or ever). all i really remember is their big, round eyes and the decor - which was faux cave, draped in plastic plants.

defying the last of winter in kazan (apparently my brain is in kazan) with long, cutoff jeans shorts on an april day. 

stuffing myself and my backpack onto a VERY busy tram (also in kazan) and at one point, being held up completely by the surrounding crowd, as my feet left the ground.

what is it about watching living daylights (the first bond with timothy dalton) that reminds me of kazan?

~~~

is america in decline? and how much does it have in common with europe?
read more here.  

~~~

i really like maria konnikova's thoughts on language.

while you're there, stay and read more of her blog posts, you won't regret it.

~~~

have you read j.k. rowling's casual vacancy?
what did you think?

hibernating

the darkness is relentless these days. i seem to have gone into a kind of hibernation. hunkering down. waiting for a winter that doesn't seem to come. i even saw buds on some dandelions today. kind of a hopeful sign, but also kind of not. dandelions on the last day of november? isn't that just wrong?

i'll be back soon. i've got blog swag to share.