Thursday, April 02, 2009

this girl...

gillian at indigo blue wrote a wonderful "this girl" post about herself and asked readers to play along should they so desire. i'm a rather new reader of indigo blue, but as my sister always says to me, "it always comes back to you," so it feels like this game is a natural one for me to play along...

this girl is out of her element yet entirely at home. she is unsure but comfortable. at ease in her skin, but doesn't really know her own contours. she's navigating her topography, filling in the pieces as she goes along. she doesn't know the way, but is sure there is one.

she is searching, striving. wanting, always wanting. more knowledge, more input, more inspiration. more crocheted stones. more gadgets. more laughter. she's curious and open yet strangely closed and definitely opinionated. she's judgmental. she's live and let live. she loves to be with people, but just wants to be left alone. she's a mass of contradictions wrapped into one skin.

when she gets hold of an idea, she embraces it fully. she's obsessed with eyeballs. but it's because she's working on seeing. seeing the world around her in new ways (the camera lens helps this). she loves to wrap herself in mythology, which is why it's odin's eyeballs in particular that appeal... mythological sacrifice at the alter of knowledge. a prayer to sofia, the divine wisdom. (and now she's mixing mythologies too.)

she wants to be good, but she doesn't always achieve that. she's snarky and crabby and short with those she most loves. she's mean but generous. she procrastinates with blinding efficiency. she's not always a great mom. but she is constantly in awe of the little person she helped create. she worries about the world that little person will inherit and how to equip her for that task.

she jumps in with both feet and asks questions and figures out the logistics later. there rests within her a feeling that things will work out how they're supposed to. she strives to see. and learn. and seek. and love.

at times, she has a sense of being totally in the zone. she has no control of that feeling and has no idea how to make it happen (but knows that a great outfit helps). in those moments, she breezes in and brings with her a force of energy that's fairly beaming off of her and she can actually see its effect on people. during one of those times, someone once said to her, "you are like cocaine." she liked that very much.

she's always been one of the guys in her own mind. this has mostly been a good thing, but has sometimes gotten her in trouble.

once she's decided someone is stupid or not worth her time, it's totally over for her and that person. she can't really even be nice anymore. it isn't very fair. but she knows it about herself.

she is pedicures and fake eyelashes. she's natural, locally-grown organic produce. she's posh hotels and backpacking it on a balkan train. she's hugo boss suits and flannel pjs all day. she's a midwestern girl. she's european. she's sushi. she's tropical fruits on a philippine beach. she's pork rinds on friday evening. she's gold lounge and the first one off the plane. she's at home everywhere and nowhere. she's a coach bag and H&M dress.

she's moscow, not st. petersburg. she's nikon, not canon. she's white chocolate, not dark.

she's an avid reader. a writer. a photographer. an artist. she's finding her place.

she is mostly chaos. a force of nature. evolving. becoming. a bee charmer.

* * *
wow, that was fun and really liberating to write in 3rd person. you should try it too.


Just Jules said...

You wake up as I go to bed... so funny!

heidikins said...

This is absolutely beautiful, one of my favorite things I've read today.


Gill said...

Julochka!!! This is so enlightening for me...because my 'this girl' post only embraced the light, not the you've inspired me in return to include my dark side in the next one...!
I'm loving that you fully see yourself. I will try to harness my dark nature as poetically as you have done here.
I'm Canon...I hope this means you decide to forgive that and we are still friends. :)
Also this is my first visit to your blog, I read "The Julie Project" but it didn't even (duh!) occur to me to venture over here. I'm so glad I did!
Thanks for playing, I love all the things you are.

? said...

I am tempted to write like that. You are such an interesting and excellent girl.

Polly said...

I loved reading this, it almost feels like we've actually met in person. Or as if "reading" a portrait. The 3rd person made it very poetic.

The bit about moscow/nikon and white chocolate is exactly opposite for me...

I'm very tempted to try this game if I may.

And also: thanks for taking part in the interview game, that's great! I'm going to search throught the archive and see the other interviews so that I don't repeat the questions and then try to come up with some really good ones, ones that would add to what I know so far. It's fascinating getting to know you.

Greetings from Cracow


tangobaby said...

Yep, this essay sounds exactly like you. And it's lovely!

Gwen said...

You nailed it. (I think.)

Tin (ni Johann) said...

I really enjoyed this entry! I'm currently in "reflection" mode and hoping that produces a "this girl" entry soon. ^_^

Btw, I like the "she's nikon, not canon" line -- though I think I'm the opposite of that. ^_^

d smith kaich jones said...

Love this! I just became a This Girl also, but my camera is a sad little Canon - lol! - and my hands in the mirror are too big & look old & worn out, but I tell myself they are good hands & paint well & type pretty well. :) You are so much braver than I - I am one toe in the water, and envy you jumping in with both feet.

:) Debi

Sandra said...

Great entry. I understand you so well. And not at all. The lovely contradictions.

Char said...

what beautiful honest and true...and real. this girl is crazy about that girl and her work.

Red Shoes said...

Sounds like a girl I'd like to meet. :)

paris parfait said...

Interesting read about a fascinating woman!

et lille oejeblik - a little moment said...

you write amazingly, and this post is so full of poetry and wisom. loved it.