it always comes back to you

i read a blog post late last night (after briefly falling asleep watching crossing lines on netflix, which my body/mind interpreted as a nap and then kept me up 'til 2 a.m. ... but i digress) that just really hit me the wrong way and frankly, rather royally pissed me off. i enjoy #stuckinplastic and i've even written a post or two for them on occasion. but this one really hit me wrong. it seemed so snobbish and arrogant. and frankly, people, you're taking pictures of toys, so how snotty can you be? get over yourself. this is supposed to be fun.

anyone sharing their life or their passion or their hobby online...whether via blogging or instagram or facebook or twitter or snapchat or whatever, has to be prepared for things to change. the communities change, the medium changes, those who are participating changes. you have to be doing these things for yourself, first and foremost and not for the sake of the likes or the audience or the reaction or the adoration or the discussion. it actually has to be about you. and i mean that in the best sense. that you do it for the love of it. for what it brings you personally. for where you feel it takes you. and not for anyone else. not for the comments. not for the likes. and for odin's sake, not because you want to be emulated (or not be emulated, as the case may be). do it for you. for your sanity. to find out what you think. to see where it takes you. and forget everyone else. this actually is the thing that's all about you. so enjoy it, will you? if it's not making you happy, stop doing it.

stormy moods make for stormy weather

it's been a changeable week weather-wise. one of those weeks where i feel like i'm causing the weather with my moods...sunny, bright and glorious one moment, blustery and spitting the next, pretty much precisely how i've felt. of course there is a chance it's the other way around and the weather contributes to my mood and not vice versa.

despite the wonderful news on monday evening and the soul-nourishing event tuesday night, the rest of the week has been a series of petty irritations. an unnecessarily snotty mother at the stable. the fiasco that sabin's trip to st. petersburg is shaping up to be. political agendas. a strange woman who asked me to move my car from "her" parking spot in a public parking lot, where spots don't belong to anyone in particular. a dull, all day headache that prevented meaningful work or thought.

small irritations, but irritating nonetheless, especially when all lumped together. especially because they chip away at the good energy that came with events of the early part of the week. each taking a little bit of it away, until it feels like there's not enough left and you need to find a way to tank up again, but you can't because of that infernal dull headache.

maybe it's all just PMS, or rather DMS, since i think it's actually worst during, not before. but i realize that's too much information. i only talk about it because it really is a factor. moods are not something static or even or stable. they go up and down and you're in high spirits one minute and down in the dumps the next. just like our changeable weather - sunny one minute and raining the next. the good bit is that's the only way to get rainbows.

but a walk in the garden, photographing the autumn fruits on a beautiful morning before the rain comes, really does help. especially if accompanied by gathering a big batch of fruit, throwing it in the steamer to make juice and having the smells of warm raspberries and warm elderberries fill the house. it may not make the headache go away, but it helps.

happy weekend, one and all.

* * *

pet words.  

my conscious ones (at the moment) are: topography, synesthetic, troglodyte, xenophobic.

i wish they were: transcendent, elated, vast, encompassing.

in reality they are: actually, supposedly, apparently.

what are yours?

* * *

and speaking of words:
creative swear words.
made up words.

does it preserve sanity?

living in a windmill would definitely preserve my sanity.

a friend, who lives a similarly freelance life, mentioned to me the other day the question she often asked herself as she was about to embark on an activity: does it preserve sanity? and i came across an activity today that i realized most decidedly does not preserve sanity. at least not my sanity. and it got me thinking about what components an activity has to have in order for it to preserve my sanity.

~ i have to be able to understand it - the process, the steps it takes, how it works.  it's perfectly ok if it takes some work to figure that out (see next component), but there has to be an underlying discoverable logic.

~ it has to challenge me. if it's immediately easy and i get the hang of it quickly, i get bored.

~ it has to seem fair. i have to have an equal shot at it.

~ it has to be what it appears to be. if i feel it's somehow a lie or not what it seems, the sanity (and the patience) go immediately.

~ the activity has to give me a sense of satisfaction - either that i accomplished something that i can see, got something out of my system or built the foundation towards something else.

~ if it involves other people, i have to think that they are intelligent at a level commensurate with the activity (sadly, this is where the sanity bit often falls apart).

~ it has to make sense (this is different than whether i am able to understand it) - again, there has to be an underlying logic at work, one which is ultimately transparent.

it seems a little bit weird to be pondering the preservation of sanity while the world melts down around us, but on the other hand, perhaps that's the perfect time to do so.

how do you preserve your sanity?

really good at...

...having ideas.

...putting diverse groups of people together to make magic happen.

...creating events where people really enjoy themselves.

...inspiring people to do great work.

...putting photos with text to underline hidden (and not so hidden) meaning.

...putting disparate ideas together to form a new idea.

...bringing people together in unexpected ways.

...inspiring loyalty.

...getting my way.

...being convincing (how many of you have a nikon or apple computer because of my convincingness?).

...creative solutions.

...interior design.

...shopping (not that that's anything to be proud of).

...critical analysis.

...laughing and making people laugh.

so i wonder what this all means i should be when i grow up? any ideas? anyone...anyone...bueller?

life is like a blurry chocolate

 i had a brilliant conversation with a very wise man this evening. it wasn't long, but it was one of those conversations that you wish you had.  all. the. time. of course you probably wouldn't appreciate them as much if they were common, but suffice it to say that this is was a good one.

this very wise man lives from his creativity. very successfully. because he dares to do so. and i talked to him about that daring and how it came about.

he said something very interesting (many things, actually, but we'll just take the first one for now because it's late and i have to get up early). he has this theory that we spend very little time inside of ourselves, being who we really are, in the here and now. that most of our time is spent outside of ourselves - looking at the future or the past. and this conflicts with my favorite barbara kingsolver quote about "you never know how inside of themselves people are." which may now have to be amended to "you never know how inside of themselves people aren't." which is an entirely different way of looking at things, isn't it?

and he asked me what i'm really good at. and i think it's a question worth pondering.

what are you really good at?

so many causes, so little...

 ...caring? empathy? what is wrong with me?  i just read an editorial on the plight of the roma people (that's gypsies to you and me). they're eternally persecuted because those of us who settle down and buy a house (albeit (apparently an exception to the rule - i before e except after c) one that should have come with a complementary bulldozer) don't like the nomads, you see.  apparently normally upstanding countries like sweden are even kicking the roma out. so it must be bad (they, after all, gave the peace prize to some chinese dissident no one had heard of 'til they bestowed the prize upon him (oh wait that was the norwegians)...but i digress).

dang, she's sure using a lot of parentheses.

what else do i have trouble caring about?  made-up company politics.  the madness of the mid-term elections in the US (sorry, but i'm having trouble mustering much angst about this...perhaps because i'm not in the middle of it and well, because i simply don't get it - obama is an intelligent man with a hot, smart wife who did something about health care and is pulling troops out of iraq - what's not to like?).  lene espersen (head of the danish conservative party and about as dumb as a box of rocks). the resignation of DR general director kenneth plummer (a man with both the charisma and vocabulary of a garden gnome).

there are many other things i don't care about...like what's going on with brangelina. and the whether the crown prince is drinking too much. and where wayne rooney might play football next. and which teams have gone to the world series. and whether that facebook geek zuckerman thinks that movie is unfair.

all of these things i'm being asked to care about. and i just can't do it.

you see, tomorrow, 26 4th graders are coming to my house to a halloween party and i'm worried about what to feed them and how to keep bits of my purple and black wig out of the food. and after that, i'll be figuring out how to pack 5 wind turbines into my suitcase so i can leave for manila on sunday. so i've got bigger worries on my mind.

here's to a worry-free weekend for all of us. and if you have any suggestions for how we can entertain all those kids for three whole hours,  i'm all ears...because that worries me. husband only bought six half pig heads and how long will that really take?

an interview with stacey, creator of shoe per diem

so i was listening to a radio program the other day which was about the so-called generation Y - you know, that generation behind mine (generation X) - those youngsters who don't believe in anything and who drift from one cool new thing to the next (wait a minute, that's starting to sound like Gen X). since i know stacey is of generation Y, i just had to ask her about that, as well as about her cool blog (of which i am a sporatic contributor - i'm sorry, but the snow depressed me last winter) - shoe per diem.

1. generation Y has been accused of not really believing in anything...what do you believe in?

Nothing.

Ha ha, that was the first thought that came to my mind. Then I remembered me. I believe in me. And I believe that there are really really really ridiculously good people in the world and that I am lucky enough to know a great many of them.

2. what do you miss about discounderworld?

The people, and the possibilities.

3. can you give us a little preview of your next big thing?

It's about showing people you love and are thinking of them, no matter where you or them are... we are calling it paperkiss.me (the website isn't up yet, but I will be sure to let you know when it is! We are aiming for September/October this year :)

4. tell us a hilarious travel story...

God, where to start, I manage to get myself into the most ridiculous of situations, but I guess the one that holds the fondest memories for me goes with this picture (in which I am nearly wetting myself):

On the left is my friend Erica, she and I lived in Paris at the same time, and we used to have all these crazy adventures together mostly because of the fact that she lived in Montmarte on Rue des Martyrs and we would frequent the shady strip bars along Boulevard de Montmarte for the free entry and free champagne... after one night out we were eating breakfast (okay it was morning by then) and these two guys sat down at a tiny table so close that we couldn't not start talking to them. I remember I was eating chocolate cake and it was delicious and Erica for some godforsaken reason had chosen to order a salmon tart. Anyhoo, we started talking, and it turned out they were English and very soon after that, it turned out that they were quite boring, so me and Erica began to make our *stretch* *yawn* *must be time for bed* noises. Just before we left one of them asked what we were doing in Paris, and consequently we asked them... turned out they worked at Disneyland Paris... one was Sully from Monsters Inc, and the other was his keeper. They were on their way to work and said they could get take us if we wanted, and suddenly not tired anymore we found ourselves after a night of shady bars and drinking, at Disneyland at 8am, getting chased around by that big hairy monster and having the time of our lives!!

5. what made you want to track your shoes throughout 2010?

Hmm, I saw this flickr set of a girl who took pictures of her outfits everyday for a year and thought that was an awesome way to visual diary her year. Then I thought about what I would be comfortable doing and decided my feet would suffice. As you've probably noticed my shoes don't change that often... black jandals/bare feet in summer, brown boots in winter, but I think at the end of the year, it will be awesome to be able to look back and take note of all the things I did, and having others on the blog is just amazing, it's awesome getting to know people through their choice of shoes and things they do on a day-to-day basis. I think there's the premise for a book in there somewhere...

6. apropos of your brainchild, shoe per diem, what percentage of the year do you spend barefoot or in flip-flops?

Ha ha, so you noticed! I would easily say 60% of the year. In summer if I'm not wearing my jandals, I am either swimming, sleeping or dancing. And none of those require shoes.

7. the worst book you've read in the past year?

Oh shit, this is hard, I get heaps of books through work, and mostly they suck. Um, okay so, "Think of a Number" was the latest worst. It was one of those crime books which I would never read if I didn't have too, and it alluded all this suspense and mystery, but it was I the reader who was one step ahead of the dickhead detective in the book.

8. when you were 9 years old, what did you think you wanted to be when you grew up?

An Olympic swimmer, this continued till about 14 when I chose life.

9. have you ever tried being a vegetarian?

No, but if I don't have to cook for anyone else, I don't usually bother with meat.

10. do you go to tweet-ups?

Ha! I have been to some, maybe about four. But the last was over a year ago, and I just ended up talking to people I knew, I am a terrible small chat chick.

11. how has the internet changed your life?

I'm not sure changed would be the right word. It has kinda always been there, I guess when it wasn't I was young and doing things that didn't need the internet. I suppose google has meant that instead of looking things up in dictionaries or encyclopedias like I did when I did projects for school when I was young, I now just have to type into the search engine.

on the radio program they asked Danish Gen Y'ers whether they'd tried cocaine, downloaded music or films without paying or took a "morning after" pill...but i decided i didn't really want to go there. :-)

but stacey said, "Ha, ha, see to me and many people I know, none of those things seem very far out. But I personally have never done cocaine :)"

* * *

but do go check out stacey's fabulous shoe per diem - it's like cocaine for shoe lovers. 

but you probably will want to go shopping afterwards.

she's assembled an awesome group of women from around the world.

and their shoes.
and you might occasionally even see my shoes there. :-)
(just to remind us that it always comes back to me.)

what i've learned so far this week

what a week! i've been busy late into the night every night this week. and i thought i'd share a few things that i've learned along the way....

1. writing a whole 40+ page magazine more or less by yourself is not easy.
2. it's best if you never, ever let yourself think of it all at once (because it turns out that's quite breathtakingly paralyzing), but instead keep thinking of it in individual articles/items in a checklist. small, digestible chunks, in other words.
3. even if you think of it in individual pieces, it somehow does end up all fitting together, because it's all coming from your brain.
4. when you do a series of interviews on similar topics over several days, you should really type out everything from your notes after each interview. this will help you immeasurably later. (note to self: follow this advice in the future. for. sure.) if you don't, they can become jumbled up in your head and in your notes and take a whole lot longer to write into a coherent story.
5. a smooth stone, held in your hand occasionally for strength, helps your concentration.
6. chill/lounge music in the background is also good for concentration.
7. you will wake up in a cold sweat at 5:12 a.m., worried about whether you're ever going to get it all done.
8. you will get it all done.
9. you have to accept that some of it is good and some of it is dross. (dang, that is a seriously harsh word when i think about it.) but the fact is that there's only so much you can do to sex up propellers, hull coatings and propulsion systems. 
10. thrusters, on the other hand, are by their very nature, sexy as hell.
11. i thought briefly that i had lost my rock when i took sabin to the dentist, but after an only mildly panicked frantic search, i found it in the car. and felt very relieved. note to self: keep track of the damn rock.
12. a woman in england apparently kept the body of her mother in her freezer for 20 years. and i thought i was bad about cleaning out the freezer. i wonder if she had a special freezer dedicated to just that or if she kept food in there too.
13. jane fonda has been rendered unrecognizable by plastic surgery, but she's still sharp and funny (thanks david letterman (and TV2Zulu for broadcasting you when it's time to make lunch)).
14. there are people who are my age and who have children the age of my child who do not spend any time at all in cyberspace and yet they still think they exist. imagine that. i could not, however, verify their actual existence since i was unable to find them online.
15. those people who can't speak the language of blogging, facebook, twitter, flickr, linked-in, plaxo, tumblr, and social media in general are being sorely left behind and will undoubtedly soon divide off the human branch, like neanderthals. i mean, they can hardly even participate in a normal conversation.
16. in a fit of madness desire to inhabit a physical presence within my local community, i volunteered our house for a parents' party for all of the parents in sabin's class. sadly, we have nothing in common with them other than the fact that we managed to produce offspring at around the same time. and since the party is at our house, we won't be able to slip away. however, i did manage to make sure that the party will have an ABBA theme, so if i'm dressed as Agnete, eating a shrimp cocktail, and sipping a cold martini, i will no doubt care less.
17. i found my "U." it was in the basket with all of the DS games.
18. my light, bright dining room is a good place to work.
19. the pope has an iPhone. this means one of two things--either the iPhone is SO over or it's the only phone where you can get a direct line to god. if you were so inclined. which i suppose you are if you're the pope.
20. some people strongly fear being different or standing out or putting their 7-year-old on a trans-atlantic flight all by herself. i thought i feared those people, but i'm actually grateful for their existence, because it makes my existence more unique. and it always comes back to me. now would you please hand me my tiara?

what have you learned so far this week?

this girl...

gillian at indigo blue wrote a wonderful "this girl" post about herself and asked readers to play along should they so desire. i'm a rather new reader of indigo blue, but as my sister always says to me, "it always comes back to you," so it feels like this game is a natural one for me to play along...

this girl is out of her element yet entirely at home. she is unsure but comfortable. at ease in her skin, but doesn't really know her own contours. she's navigating her topography, filling in the pieces as she goes along. she doesn't know the way, but is sure there is one.

she is searching, striving. wanting, always wanting. more knowledge, more input, more inspiration. more crocheted stones. more gadgets. more laughter. she's curious and open yet strangely closed and definitely opinionated. she's judgmental. she's live and let live. she loves to be with people, but just wants to be left alone. she's a mass of contradictions wrapped into one skin.

when she gets hold of an idea, she embraces it fully. she's obsessed with eyeballs. but it's because she's working on seeing. seeing the world around her in new ways (the camera lens helps this). she loves to wrap herself in mythology, which is why it's odin's eyeballs in particular that appeal... mythological sacrifice at the alter of knowledge. a prayer to sofia, the divine wisdom. (and now she's mixing mythologies too.)

she wants to be good, but she doesn't always achieve that. she's snarky and crabby and short with those she most loves. she's mean but generous. she procrastinates with blinding efficiency. she's not always a great mom. but she is constantly in awe of the little person she helped create. she worries about the world that little person will inherit and how to equip her for that task.

she jumps in with both feet and asks questions and figures out the logistics later. there rests within her a feeling that things will work out how they're supposed to. she strives to see. and learn. and seek. and love.

at times, she has a sense of being totally in the zone. she has no control of that feeling and has no idea how to make it happen (but knows that a great outfit helps). in those moments, she breezes in and brings with her a force of energy that's fairly beaming off of her and she can actually see its effect on people. during one of those times, someone once said to her, "you are like cocaine." she liked that very much.

she's always been one of the guys in her own mind. this has mostly been a good thing, but has sometimes gotten her in trouble.

once she's decided someone is stupid or not worth her time, it's totally over for her and that person. she can't really even be nice anymore. it isn't very fair. but she knows it about herself.

she is pedicures and fake eyelashes. she's natural, locally-grown organic produce. she's posh hotels and backpacking it on a balkan train. she's hugo boss suits and flannel pjs all day. she's a midwestern girl. she's european. she's sushi. she's tropical fruits on a philippine beach. she's pork rinds on friday evening. she's gold lounge and the first one off the plane. she's at home everywhere and nowhere. she's a coach bag and H&M dress.

she's moscow, not st. petersburg. she's nikon, not canon. she's white chocolate, not dark.

she's an avid reader. a writer. a photographer. an artist. she's finding her place.

she is mostly chaos. a force of nature. evolving. becoming. a bee charmer.

* * *

wow, that was fun and really liberating to write in 3rd person. you should try it too.