Thursday, August 27, 2015

writing my way back to myself

i feel that facebook is sucking the life out of me. it steals my time, it steals my sleep, it bores me, it infuriates me, it exposes me to horrible things (like that live on-air shooting of the poor t.v. reporter in virginia) that i wish i hadn't seen (see also all coverage of donald trump). it makes me feel passive aggressive. it keeps me indoors when i should be outdoors. it never lets me be alone with my thoughts. it stops me from writing here in this space (which my sanity misses very much). or seeking inspiration about things to write about here. in short, i think it's really bad for me. and yet i go back again and again. out of habit. for the social interaction with friends who are far away, for the laughs, for the cat videos and the buzzfeed quizzes and the oatmeal and humans of new york

and not writing often enough in this space leaves my brain and perhaps even my soul, feeling congested. it's not only facebook, but also the constant holding pattern i feel i've been in for the whole of this year. eternally waiting to see what might be next. i used to love the liminal space, for what i perceived as the vastness of the possibilities contained within it. but these days, it gives me a kind of powerless feeling, a paralysis. i am unable to fill the waiting with much of anything productive (i pin prolifically on pinterest, but don't make anything). and it seems that all of the gargantuan efforts that i put forward towards moving out of the liminal space are stymied again and again and i am forced back into the waiting position. and i'll admit i feel a bit lost, like i'm wandering in the labyrinth of the liminal space and i can't find my way - neither to the center, nor out again. and it's an uncomfortable place to be. 

which all sounds pretty morbid, i realize. i don't think i knew how morbid i actually felt until the words came out here onto the page (hence that congested feeling). and i do get through my days feeling reasonably happy - finding joy in a visit from an inspiring friend, picking vegetables from the garden for dinner, taking photos of minifigs, finding vintage burberry items for the child on eBay, watching battlestar galactica (again, again) with husband. it's not a joyless life, by any means. but i would like to have some of the spark back, the spark that feels so dim in the midst of all of this waiting. i don't feel it's gone out, but it could definitely use a breath of fresh air to fan it into a stronger, bright, warm flame again. 

maybe finally writing again here will help. that and some time away from facebook. 

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great article in rolling stone on the republican clown car.

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if you need a laugh, this guy from mashable who dressed like prince george for a week will do it.

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dang. harper lee's lawyer is definitely of the shadier sort.

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feeling stressed? here's a cat purr generator for those times when your cat isn't handy.


Molly said...

Firstly, I can't believe you ever don't have a cat handy for real life purring?!

And then, yes - I feel you about facebook - and please know that your friends have seen that you've been in this difficult space this year and felt for you.
I'm sure you will find a way back to the 'spark' - be patient and gentle with yourself.

And make something? I feel you're at your best when your hands are busy (making, writing, cooking) and not just your eyes. Well, I feel that about me and I suspect we may be similar like that.


will said...

it's all perspective ... facebook is this gen's version of passing notes in class coupled with forcing people to watch terrible home movies of their vacation. This too will pass.

The older I get one thing is perfectly clear: Just do something that feels valuable ... because within a generation of your (mine) passing we are forgotten and everything we thought, enjoyed, worried and sweated about is meaningless vapor.

On the positive... you need to jump on a jet and be here for

Feisty Harriet said...

I feel ya, for sure. I always find that I really start to get into my own rhythm and groove when I have space and quiet to get my thoughts out. Some parts of the online world encourage that, and some--at least for me--inhibit that in a major way. I feel like I'm slowly learning to stick to the former and skip the latter.


d smith kaich jones said...

oh my god. yes, yes, and yes.

Spilling Ink said...

Oh by Odin, I'm feeling you here. I've had that same congestion going for the best part of this year and I just can't seem to put fingers on my keyboard to create anything anymore. And the waiting, the damned waiting and the endless searching for direction. I keep thinking I'll get through and now I have to think that we both can! I need your words, my friend.