out of focus colors

as we close in on the summer holiday, i'm feeling a bit fuzzy to say the least. it's been a long haul, these past months. it's really hard when a job you dearly love turns sour, but it so often happens in a time of growth and disruption. i love both growth, disruption and also change, but it's been a bit ridiculous of late. when the wrong people are brought in and the good people leave and the company culture changes radically, it creates change that's not good or productive. i'm ready for a holiday. and happily, we are getting on a plane next week. it also helped that i went to an intimate and utterly blissful yin yoga class today. my mind quieted down and i saw a veritable rainbow of colors during some of the long poses. it centered me and put me, at least momentarily, in touch with my body. this color thing is really interesting. i've had flashes of synesthesia over the years, but it's really started to show itself in new ways during my recent bodywork sessions. i need to learn what the colors mean, even if it's only what they mean for me...i saw everything from rich, bright, vibrant red - it's never just one uniform color, there are nuances - to salmon to yellow and orange to green and teal to the most velvety indigo. my sense of it is that it's when i'm in touch with emotions, or more like touching them, as i wouldn't say i could articulate them. i've read some pieces about colors associated with the chakras and perhaps there's also something of that in it, when one or another is activated, but it feels more connected to some kind of emotional bedrock inside me. one which i've been probably out of touch with for far too long. if i ever was in touch with it. but i have hope, with the appearance of all these colors when i'm doing bodywork or yoga, that i can get in touch, maybe also at other times. maybe it's just a reminder that i need to live a more colorful life. but first...vacation.

the path ahead

so much turmoil and uncertainty in these times. the daily onslaught of revelations from the corrupt cheeto and his merry band of trumpanzees, power grabs and information vacuums at work. it seemed fitting today as i came across this gorgeous, fragrant field of canola (rapeseed), that the visible path was only visible for a little ways. who knows what lies ahead? we humans like to think we can control our outcomes, but perhaps we cannot. i think of all of the times where being pushed onto another path steered me somewhere amazing, and i wonder where i am being steered this time? i can catch glimpses of so much that's awesome, but there are roadblocks along the way. i'd like to navigate them differently than i have traditionally done, but it's hard for me to see how to do that. perhaps by following the opposite impulses. we can and do continue to grow as people, even as we age, we can learn and we can be even more amazing than we thought possible. it's just a matter of clearing the path to get there.

fragments of niceness

i spotted this art project in the heart of copenhagen last week. #fragmentsofniceness by artist kit kjølhede. the sun was shining, i'd just come from a good meeting with my favorite colleagues and i was feeling buoyant. the bright colors, the happy snippets of conversation overheard in copenhagen spoke straight to my soul. what an admirable project - with all that's bad and awful (and orange-tinged) in the world these days, this was precisely what i needed. hell, it's what we all need!

this hasn't been an easy time. a not-very-well planned or communicated reorg about six months ago created a period of limbo and inertia. in such a situation, there are always some ambitious types who take advantage of the vacuum and grab more than they should. and in the absence of clear messages, everyone makes up their own stories and runs with them. and it can create a negative, unproductive space. i believe this is compounded by the darkness of the winter months in our northern climes. but things are beginning to be brighter and it's not just welcome rays of actual sunshine, but things really are becoming clearer. maybe we can only appreciate clarity when we have been wandering in fog.

and maybe the best way to break free of the uncertainty and negativity is to focus on the positive. to laugh instead of bristling and feeling angry. to help instead of hinder. to be open instead of closed. to overhear the positive and nice things. to listen instead of refusing to hear. to seek out nice things to say. and even more importantly, to think. to make sure the inner narrative is positive and open. to say yes to life and possibilities and new challenges and to let go of what's not working. 

i'm ordering a set of these postcards from the artist to hang up to remind myself to look and listen for positivity around me. i really do believe that you attract what you are looking for. and i also admit that of late, i've been looking for ghosts and schemes and lies and games being played - and guess what, i've found all of those in great quantity. well, no more. the time for negativity is past. 

this is the season to embrace change. it's boring when everything stays the same. this is the time to seek the most amazing stories and tell them well. this is the time to let go of what's not working. and to let go of things which are working but not moving anywhere in order to move on to newer, more exciting things. hanging on to the past isn't productive or healthy. it's not how we grow and learn and evolve and become better, stronger, more capable versions of ourselves. and while this may all sound dire, it's really not. it feels like stretching long unused muscles after a winter hibernation, feeling them out once again, exposing them to the warming rays of the sun, getting to know them and put them to good use.

of course, not everything needs to change - home, husband, child, cats and garden remain the fertile ground from which to grow, they are most definitely my own very best fragments of niceness. that and my t-rex costume. everyone should have one of those. they cheer you right up.

* * *

amazing 9-year-old slays new yorker cartoon captions.

and for a bit more low brow version, check out these shitty captions for new yorker cartoons.

* * *

if you find yourself rolling your eyes at the crystal-obsessed, this is for you.

* * *

and one more from the new yorker...

molly ringwald is such a good writer.

how do you resist the borg?

every year, i bristle at the tyranny of the gift list in denmark and every year, i swallow and succumb to it. they're like the borg*. and i've even become so assimilated that i passed along my child's gift list, including a bunch of links, to my sister in the states. much to her quite understandable dismay. the child, now a teenager, is hard to buy for and only likes very specific things. so that's why i passed along the list this year. but i'll admit that i hate it. with a passion. and i feel i should be raising her better than that. and i'm disappointed in myself for sending the list. i think i'm pretty much completely failing as a parent because of this.

i hate as well that i've been given a gift list for our nephews (not my sister's children) and i've gone out dutifully, if grudgingly, and purchased the desired items. and i didn't enjoy it. and i won't enjoy giving those gifts. because it's just a sterile transaction, it didn't require any thought on my part and it didn't require that i knew anything about them, nor will it evoke any delight in me to watch them open the item from their list. there's no surprise or moment of excitement on either side of the transaction. it's just that, a transaction. and i have to say that i think it really sucks. it's hollow and consumerist and well, lame. and every year i vow i won't do it.  and yet here i am once again, going through the expected motions. cultural norms are hard to resist. and i am apparently far too weak in the face of them.

actual meaningful gift which i made for my dad last year for christmas.
i imagine mom is snuggled up under it right now and that makes me happy.

but i realize that this gift thing isn't about me. it's about the receiver. but i have to wonder if they really appreciate just automatically getting the things they asked for. where is the delight? the surprise? the joy? i suspect it's absent on their side as well. case in point? i made the blanket above for my dad for christmas last year and he loved it. and it was not something he asked for. but it was perfect for him and it was handmade, so score all around.

but back to the tyranny of the danish gift list...now that christmas doesn't really mean what it once meant, but is just a consumerist holiday and we are living in a society that equates needs and wants and just buys whatever we think we need when we need it, rather than waiting to receive things as gifts, do we really need this gift charade?

i've said previously that i'd much rather stumble across something in the course of the year and give it to the person in question, out of the blue. but do i act on that? no, i haven't. but maybe i should start. maybe 2015 will be when i start.

*star trek: the next generation reference. get it or get over it.

what if?

what if....

~ you decided to let the petty irritations (irritators?) of life just wash over you? and decided not to react to them, but to just feel your reaction and go with the flow of it.

~ you gave people another chance, even if you were ready to write them off? and you actually tried to see the good in them, as difficult as it may seem?

~ what if the reason you were writing them off was largely due to how they looked? (and how shallow would that be of you?)

~ you could learn something from the experience?

~ those challenging people were placed in your path for a reason? even if you couldn't really see what that reason was. and you just trusted that it would become apparent with the fullness of time?

~ being able to to react differently meant a new beginning? and a new approach to life? and a new deeper sort of happiness?

i stayed up to 'til the wee hours discussing exactly this with a good friend the other night. it was precisely what i needed at that moment. amazing how you find your way to precisely what you need when you really need it. now to just remember it when the time comes. it's so easy to just revert to your fallback patterns and ways of reacting. but i think that this time i'm so interested in seeing what happens if i change that i'll remember our talk.

aside: i wish i could find my way to a lightheartedness with such posts that i once had. i wonder what's happened to it? i feel so deadly serious when i sit down to write these days.  i'd like to be fun again, but i can't seem to find my way out of the earnestness at the moment. i'm not sure why that is... but rest assured it's even more annoying to me than it is to you.

tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies

what is up with people? why do we constantly tell little white lies? and especially why do we tell little lies that people can easily check (sometimes just with their common sense) and know that they're not true? i do it myself. sometimes it's to protect someone's feelings, or to avoid telling a longer version of the story, because it seems like the truth won't really do any good or to protect myself and my own ego. but what seems to be common to all these little white lies is that some fear or other underlies them. fear of hurting someone, fear of rejection, fear of judgement, fear of inadequacy. you might say that little white lies are the key to the construction of our identity.

but what does it mean to have an identity that's full of little lies? the more i think about it, the more i think it's a bad thing.

just to take an example from my own life. when i left the board of the riding club a couple of months ago, i gave the excuse that i felt i was too busy getting my new business up and running and that i didn't have the time and energy to devote to it. while that was the truth, there was more to it than that. i could have easily found time and energy for it, even in the midst of my new business, if i felt that i was listened to and  respected and if i felt that everyone else who was involved was professional and knowledgeable. but the truth was, i thought that the chairman was plain and simple a fool - unprofessional and making the club look bad every time he opened his mouth or posted one of his misspelled missives on the club website. i disagreed with how he treated the kids in the club (shouting at them and threatening them) and how he allowed the club horses to be treated by one of the instructors. i didn't like that no one ever even said a simple thank you when i purchased a pony for the club's use. and then when that pony was mistreated, it was too much for me.  so i took my pony home and i left the board and in doing so, i only told part of the truth.  because i thought telling the whole truth of why i was leaving wouldn't do any good. i decided on behalf of these people that they wouldn't get anything out of knowing the truth.

and i've been so mad at myself ever since. it makes me uncomfortable every time i'm there and see those people - because i still harbor ill feelings that i didn't get the chance to clear out. and i perhaps also did them a disservice by not telling the truth and letting them learn from it or do with it whatever they would. i took away their chance to react and learn. so my little white lie - or more my half-truth, actually ended up negating everyone's chance to grow, including my own.

i'm going to really make an effort  to curb the totally unnecessary white lies (i'm a consultant, sorry, i can't do away with all of them) - especially the ones that make me feel bad in the long run.

what white lies do you tell? and how does it make you feel?

* * *

these introspective posts are part of a really great project that i'm working on. 

it has to do with this.

and i will tell you more about it soon.

wherein you means me

changing is really hard. it is all too easy to fall back into old patterns and ways of thinking, without even meaning to. suddenly, you find yourself obsessing over some stupid, small, trivial thing and you're right back there; that old person that you really don't want to be anymore.  and then you stir in a little PMS and your mind begins to blow things completely out of proportion. your thoughts race, you rehearse condescending conversations in your head and pepper them with triumphant one-liners.  and the next thing, you look up and you see the wicked witch as you pass the mirror. and you remember that that's not how you want to live anymore. being a cauldron of seething superiority is no way to live. it doesn't make you happy and it certainly doesn't make anyone else happy. it's frustrating on all sides, because it never works, even if you can feel momentarily victorious at your own cleverness.

we are so damaged by our experiences. shaped by them in ways it's hard to see. i don't need to be to be mean and tough and hard anymore. that's no longer my reality. but it's a choice i have to make. every day.  and sometimes it's hard to remember, like when a situation puts me right back there, and i'm entrenched in the fallback position of the old pattern before i even know it.

you'd like to be able to step into an elevator and get off on a different floor this time. one where it's peaceful and kind and giving and all of the good things are there (openness, ideas, compassion, energy) and the bad (arrogance, condescension, meanness, toughness) aren't needed.

but it is so hard, breaking old habits. especially ones you feel you learned after you got burned. but you have to do it, because if you don't, then you didn't learn anything and it was all for nothing. and you want that least of all.

when you put ideas into the world, magic happens

when you start something, it begins with a few who are interested.

then it grows, as they invite their friends.

and who knows what it will become?

i am grateful for this evening. for being interviewed (if only for 3 minutes) on the radio. for being comfortable enough to spend my entire evening in danish. for those who were more charmed by my accent than offended. for those who came - some who felt a sense of duty to me (thank you!!), but who ended up inspired (thank you!!!). to the nodding and smiles and tears i saw in some eyes. to the beginning of something. something potentially special. and especially for the ideas that i hadn't thought of that already surfaced...words to go with the photos (of COURSE!) and photos already taken over the years. fantastic.

mostly i'm grateful for meeting neighbors and new friends. and the sense of community.

i love putting something out there into the world and seeing what happens. because it's always magical.

edit: i should have noted that this post is actually about the project i described in the previous one.

the tyranny of the gift list

there is a tyranny afoot in denmark. it's the gift list. families ask one another for a christmas wish list. and while it's all well and good to let those who love you know what you'd like, it seems that these lists end up chiseled in stone. not a single item that's not explicitly on the list will make its way under the christmas tree or into a christmas stocking. and frankly, that stinks.

it means that no one's going to get these gorgeous, durable, well-made, hand-woven tea towels or these beautiful one-of-a-kind knives. i've been participating in a handmade market this weekend and last and tho' many people pass through and look - and they especially stop and talk to the man who is making these beautiful knives - they're not buying anything. and i find it very frustrating. these are beautiful, unique items that no one else will have. and that's actually the problem. i heard a man say yesterday that he thought his son would love one of these knives, but he didn't dare to buy one because it wasn't on his son's list. it's not even that the knives are prohibitively expensive - they're well within a normal family christmas gift price range.

i despair a little bit about what to do about it. the handmade movement that is sweeping the world is definitely skipping denmark. it seems that if it's not over-designed, industrialized and exactly like the hansens next door have, it's not going to sell. unique, beautiful, one-of-a-kind items just won't do. and people are afraid to use their own imagination in buying gifts for their loved ones - they won't buy anything that's not on the wish list, even if they think the person might like it. i heard a man on the radio yesterday say that if his grandchildren didn't get their wish list to him in time, then they didn't get anything for christmas at all. can you believe that? he was so resistent to knowing his grandchildren and what they might like that he'd rather not give them anything if he had to think of it himself?

the wish list takes all of the fun out of gifts - both for giver and receiver - there's no surprise, there's no imagination, there's no creativity needed. and i think it renders the whole thing rather empty for all concerned. i'm not going to participate in it anymore. we have to start somewhere.