inexplicable

i'm still numb. i keep hoping every morning when i wake up, that it was just a bad dream. but apparently it's not, tho' it continues to spiral downward and seem increasingly like a nightmare. and unfortunately, it's increasingly evident that we can't wake up from it. i spent last wednesday curled up in bed with the gilmore girls on netflix and a cuddly cat. it didn't help that much. i spent most of the day in tears. i cried until i had no tears left. and then i cried some more when i imagined how hillary must feel. it must be simply unbearable for her if it was this unbearable for me.

i've unsubscribed to a drove of the pundit podcasts i was listening to, as they self-servingly spurn hillary now that she's lost the electoral college (remember, she resoundingly won the popular vote) and open the door for the withered kumquat, giving him a chance he so richly does not deserve. i haven't been able to watch hillary's concession speech. and i turn away from anything the cheeto is saying as well. i. just. can't.

of course, every lunch conversation is about the election. everyone i meet offers their condolences. a friend even sent her husband over with two bottles of wine to make me feel better. i feel i am grieving. but then i realized that my overwhelming feeling (in addition to grief) is embarrassment. i feel mortified that the country of my birth chose this damaged, sociopathic, racist, sexual harassing narcissist to follow the very classy, intelligent obama. it's quite humiliating to have to answer for it to level-headed europeans who remember history all too well. i can't. i don't understand it myself, so how can i possibly explain it?

serenity now

i don't think i'm going to sleep a wink tonight. i'm so nervous about tomorrow's election. and it will only get worse tomorrow night. hard to comprehend what might be ahead of us, no matter which way it goes. but for now, there are kittens.

these dark days

after an unusually warm october, autumn is upon us. and it's dark and dreary and grey and frankly a bit ominous, which is guess fits with the general mood of these times. with a potential trump victory looming over us, i find my mind feeling as dark and clouded and blurry as this photo. i wake up with a start in the middle of the night, unable to sleep, full of anxiety, actual bile in my throat. i pick up my phone and open the new york times app to see whether some new shit has hit the fan. i am both looking forward to this being over and dreading it. what if that monster wins? what does it mean? where does it leave us? and how could it happen? who are these people who are voting for him? (i've read dozens of articles about that and still don't understand.) have i just been gone too long? how did it come to this? i am sincerely at a loss. and terrified.

but i will say that this helped:

HOLY SH*T (You've Got To Vote) from Funny Or Die

so holy shit, get out there and vote for her. it's the best thing you can do. and it's so important. quite possibly the most important vote you'll ever cast.

when i am deliriously tired and hangry

no one should get up at 4 a.m. especially when one couldn't get to bed before midnight. no one should schedule a flight at 6 a.m. no one should ever agree to check two boxes containing an inflatable captain (who turns out to look a lot like a 6 meter tall cigarette with waving arms when activated) on said 6 a.m. flight. (people look at you very askance, and it turns out that not everyone on the flight is checking such an item, despite your attempt to pretend that was the case). no one should drink 4 double lattes and eat half a sandwich and then attempt to download 170 posters from 170 different countries and attempt to post them on a sharepoint-based website from a hotel connection. no one should stay at the hilton in birmingham. if the hilton people had been past the hilton in birmingham, they would have plastered a trump sticker over their hilton sign and run the other way. it's that bad. no one should be subjected to a hotel room without a minibar. no one should expect everyone to care as much as you yourself do. no one should smoke in a hotel room and then give said room to someone who doesn't smoke. no one should take my brand new latte when i'm getting on a plane (and thankfully, today, no one tried. or they would have regretted it.) no one should continuously listen to only political podcasts. (there are not enough pain meds, believe me.) you have been warned.

in which i say fuck. a lot. and it's totally necessary

ok, US airlines can fuckity fuck fuck off for not letting young people who are 15 fly somewhere alone, not even for outrageous unaccompanied minor fees, if they have to change planes. how infantile are american young people? and how worrying is that for the future of the whole fucking world?

and you, allegiant airlines, with your incredibly bad reputation, but direct flights from one obscure airport to another (i'm looking at you FSD), blocking access to your website from outside the US. fuck you and your americentric ways.

and donald trump, you disgusting, vile, cheeto toned troglodyte. fuck off. you and all your deplorable, uneducated, toothless mouth-breathing followers. most of whom live in my hometown. fuck. the. hell. off.

and teachers who have their heads so far up their asses, they can't see daylight. and who threaten my child with scissors. and who try to blow sunshine up my ass and do fuck-all to actually help the young people who are in your class. and who have the limited world view of a troglodyte. fuck you. and the periodic table you rode in on. i bet you don't even speak a second language. other than fargoese, which, while incomprehensible, isn't actually another language.

rant over...but i'm not sorry for the swearing.

invisiblity

it hit me recently that for the last half decade, i have felt invisible. it may have even been more than a feeling, i suspect i might have actually been invisible. i think it happens to women when we reach a certain age - and it really is a middle age - we're done having children, but haven't yet hit menopause. we become invisible somehow, perhaps biologically but certainly culturally. for me, a couple of soul-damaging workplaces didn't help. they shook the foundation of my very identity. and i struggled for a couple of years to not be where i work, but i also have to admit that it was a struggle that i lost. my work life fills a great hole within me and gives me a space in which i unfold who i am. this is both good and bad. because work can push me places that i wouldn't always want to go. happily, for a year now, that hasn't been the case and i feel like i have emerged and that i'm unfolding my wings once again and it seems like they still work and i can still fly. and i've become visible again.

notes to self

just leaving a few things here, so i remember them...

• do not leave your tweezers at home for a whole week. your eyebrows (and possibly those around you who have to look at you) will suffer.
• that organic california chardonnay you bought was a bad idea - it tastes like oily peaches compared to the lovely, crisp south african whites you normally drink (even molly noticed).
• cat farts are the worst.
• but cats are otherwise the best.
• clowns are scary a.f.
• but not as scary as donald trump.
• they can keep århus (long story).
• really cool content about björk.
• i did some voicing in a real recording studio this week and admit i found it addictive. i want to do more. perhaps that podcast i've been putting off? why have i been putting that off again?
• i wonder who is going to take care of the cats when husband ends up in the folketing and is also in copenhagen all week...
• when the weather is glorious throughout september, i can welcome and love autumn again.
• also, i need to hold onto the memory of the good weather when it gets grey, dark and rains throughout november.
• gilmore girls makes a great background to a rainy sunday afternoon.
• thank odin for netflix.