Saturday, July 31, 2010

do the time not the crime: an interview from the minimum security lock-up

perhaps the most surprising response to my interview meme was the following gentleman from the common room in the north wing of a minimum security prison somewhere in washington...

1. so what are you in for?

Well, my first crime was I was born and I was framed. Two people, who I didn't know at the time, are the ones, you know, responsible for making me who I am. Then I did some kid stuff and I did too much fast talking and I had to wear a blue uniform and do time in a parochial school. As I remember it, I did 6 years. There was a lot of broken wood rulers and notes sent to those two people I previously mentioned. Later, after doing another 6 years of retraining I was released with some kind of certificate and a square hat and told to find a job. I had no money so I hung around some people my age, found a woman, fell in love and we got married. Now, I do dishes, rake leaves and I don't mix pink things with white things in the laundry ... I'm tellin' you, it's real harsh. Like a book, it’s one sentence after another.

2. any chance of parole?

Nah, she’s for real and we made a deal, it’s a life sentence and then some.

3. who gets to bunk with martha?

If I get the top bunk that’s OK. If not, and Martha wants the top bunk, I’ll be tough and tell her to go to the kitchen and whip up some chicken tacos or those little crackers with god-knows-what on them. And, to bring me back a Coke, not a Pepsi.

4. where i live, minimum security means you get to sleep in your own bed, is that true there?

No. I have to share it with the wife. And sometimes a real big dog puts his head on the bed and watches me sleep. Some guard dog, huh?

5. what do you miss most from the outside?

Trains and big windows. Orange juice not Tang. Clean white socks, private showers and potato chips that aren't tiny pieces. And maybe skipping on the bloodhounds and sleeping under the stars in the High Sierras.

6. if you had to order a last meal (which of course i hope you don't), what would it consist of?

Last meal? First, can I have some cocktail weenies with catsup? Maybe a New York style pretzel with plenty of mustard. Ooh, garlic fries also sound good. After that, I’d say something Italian, Mexican, Thai and Chinese and about 72 courses long. Each with a different micro brew.

7. have you atoned for your crime(s)?

That’s a good one. I’m still paying for those two kids we had.

8. were you on wall street by chance?

Where’s Wall Street? I once knew a Harvey Wallbanger and I've been to Wall Drug (which you also know).

9. or a member of the bush administration?

I kinda like bushes. There good to hide behind and some have smelly flowers (which confuse the bloodhounds).

10. any chance of conjugal visits?

I had think about that for a minute. The answer is, yes. Then again, who are we talking about that's visiting? If it’s Martha, then no. Now I think Crazy Ike and Raoul want to talk with you.

* * *
thank you bill for injecting some well-needed humor into this whole endeavor.


Lisa-Marie said...

Laughing this much with a pulled muscle in your neck is not advisable! Thank you for the laugh though!

Polly said...

It's so funny, and such a great story, that I had to read it twice. Perhaps it's a novel in the making? Great!

Char said...

:) i laughed, i cried, it was an epic said...

Thank you for the answers to those burning questions! Now it all begins to make sense.

Elizabeth said...

The picture says it all!!!!

The Queens Table said...

good one... like a smelly flower.

Erin Wallace said...

Too funny!

xo Erin

Bernie said...

What a great sense of humor Bill has....loved this......:-) Hugs

will said...

First of all, I'm innocent. I was framed, it was someone who kinda sorta resembled me. Besides, my lawyer was my drunk brother-in-law and the judge didn't like the way I looked at him.

If everyone sends me $20 (no checks please) I'm certain I can bribe the guards and get out of the situation I'm in. (And, yes, I know it's a real crime to end a sentence with a preposition.)

Joanna Jenkins said...

That was fantastic, Off to check out Bill's blog.
I'm loving this series!

mrs mediocrity said...

Hahahahahahaha. I hope Bill's wife has the same sense of humor :)

will said...

mrs mediocrity - My wife? It's her fault, she eggs me on, encourages me. We're like Abbot and Costello or Marin and Lewis - she's does the straight and serious part and I'm the dancing clown. I know she secretly wants to change parts - but I won't. Nope, being the straight guy takes too much effort.

Besides, if I did her job in a bisiness work place I'd be fired the first day for not being serious enough or for telling a "suit" to screw off.

It's much better to keep me locked away from people.

Alicia and Rob said...

That was great!