recovery time

as i get older, it seems to take me more and more time to recover from the big events. back at the end of november, i gave my notice at my job after a tumultuous almost two years of working during a pandemic in a branch that experienced exponential growth because people were sitting at home, working and homeschooling from their kitchens and thinking, "damn, i need a new kitchen." that resulted in a lot of crazy mad ambitious projects that were legitimately "business critical," (though i hate buzzwords like that). 

it was fun and i had really great colleagues, but it was also really intense and hard and in the autumn, i fell prey to the thoughts that many people are having these days...is this really what i want to be doing? do i want to write about black friday deals and affordable prices for the rest of my career? i am approaching an age where i have to think about these things. because soon it will get more difficult for me to switch jobs. even though age is just a number. and with basically 0% unemployment (ok, it's 2.8%, but that might as well be 0%), things aren't that bad. yet. but still, it gave me pause. 

i'd been courted by a headhunter since the summer holiday and i'd turned them down once, but they approached me again in the autumn as fatigue set in. a very big project was dragging out, a boss that went down with stress, tried to come back, couldn't accept the changes that happened in his absence and then left, leaving that very big project in one giant mess and with no one at the helm, made me say yes the second time around. 

but before i said yes, i had a day with the new team, basically interviewing them. it's that kind of job market these days. and i really liked them and it felt like the right thing to do, so i said yes. but i agreed to give my old job an extra month (in denmark, you tend to give you notice at the end of one month and you finish at the end of the next one). i owed that to those good colleagues and we'd been through so much together. and i also felt that i'd poured so much work and caring (i always care too much a great deal) and thought and sweat and tears into the project, that i wanted to leave it at a milestone, rather than just leaving in the middle of everything.

and hit that milestone we did. confetti canons and all. and i felt grateful and privileged to have worked so hard with such a group of talented people. and although i've gone on to that new job with an undoubtedly talented new group of people, damn, i miss them. we went through the hellfire together. we laughed, we swore (some more than others...and by we i mean me), we inspired one another, we leaned on one another, on occasion we had a few too many drinks, we got mad, we yelled, some of us mansplained (you know who you are), then we made up and got over it and got to work again. and it was special and awesome and although i chose it myself, i'm sad it's over. and i miss them so much. 

and it all makes me realize that it's possible to be sad and happy at the same time. i'm excited about what's ahead and so happy to get to know a whole new group of colleagues, but the transition is hard. you don't just get over such an intense period of work in a day. and you have doubts and grief over losing the daily contact with those you shared it all with. guys, you will all have a very special place in my heart. and there will always be a g&t waiting for you if you drop by. but be sure you wear a t-rex or guy riding a chicken costume, because damned if you aren't going to end up on tiktok with me. that's the only way we're going to recover from this...as the danes say (and you're all danes), "you only have the fun you make yourself." i had a lot of fun with you and it was a privilege. thank you all. 

here's to brighter days ahead. 🥂✨ 

we will recover from this, it will just take a little time. so let's give ourselves that time. 

daily delights - february 5

there's no picture for today's delight, because it was the pure sense of joy you only get when your calendar is completely empty and you don't have one single teams meeting and that's pretty hard to capture in pixels. i got actual work done today! i had no interruptions and i ticked a whole lot of items off my to do list. i even was able to update my to do list for next week and because i had time and peace, it didn't even seem overwhelming. and now it's the weekend and my chalk paint arrived so i can paint a second hand dresser that i bought a couple of months ago. it's a lovely sunny yellow color. and i'm about to have a friday glass of wine. delightful.

can we get a do-over on 2020?

for several years, i've bought arctic paper's lovely calendar. one year, i think it was 2018, i actually wrote a little snippet of my day in it every single day of that year, keeping a kind of diary, though it was mostly lists and trips and what i did that day, not anything deep or philosophical. still, it was the record of a busy life. i did write intentions for every week on the page for the week, which felt like a meaningful practice, even if i didn't always keep them. it featured beautiful paper that explored the changing light and colors throughout the year, so it had a kind of rainbow theme to it. the words at the beginning were a beautiful musing on time. "time is months, weeks, hours, minutes and seconds. time is seasons. seasons are light. light is a guide through time." it was so fitting for a calendar.

they work with different design schools around europe and have young people design the calendars and they're always printed on arctic paper's own beautiful papers. it's a pleasure to page through them and write in them. this year's was no different. it is a moon-themed agenda entitled "the day begins at midnight" and was designed by students from école estienne's graphic design and art direction students. i assume that's somewhere in france.

it's really gorgeous and i love the words at the beginning, especially since i always consider myself a night person, not a morning one...(capital letters removed by me):

the day begins at midnight, when creativity knows no boundaries.
more than an aesthetically attractive calendar,
we wanted to design something that makes us challenge
our traditional perception of time and creativity.
by visually highlighting night-time in imagery
through its content, this agenda wants us to reconsider 
our notion of the day.

because extraordinary things happen in our minds at night.
we know our subconscious is active when we sleep.
and we know that some people need to relax simply
to get their ideas flowing. some even find that they are
more creative at night, whether asleep or awake
creativity knows no boundaries, not in place, nor in time.

but here, as we embark on the second to last month of 2020, which has already been pretty eventful, i find i must admit that i never used this calendar at all. i didn't write a single thing in it. it's still pristine and beautiful - blank and awaiting words or drawings or doodles, the recording of a life. and i didn't record a single word of this crazy, mad year. it's almost like this clean, beautiful calendar represents a pristine do-over of 2020, just waiting to happen. 2020, between the covers of this journal, is unblemished, unmarred by oafish, spray-tanned, clownish, embarrassing presidents, and deadly viruses, and killer hornets. it's full of potential trips to exotic places, new experiences and even scratched-down notes of wonderful meals made and eaten, friends seen, laughs laughed. in its very blankness, it's full of potential. potential for a do-over of this mad, terrible year. maybe that's what we most need right here and now. or maybe we just need this damn year to be over already. 

i'll order a new calendar from arctic paper when they release it in a few weeks. and let's cross our fingers that things get better in 2021.

have you listened to shittown yet?

shittown. the new podcast from the creators of serial and this american life was released on tuesday. i've listened to it twice, so far. it seems so much like a snapshot of today. a musing on what it means to be southern, white, gay, closeted, intelligent and living among people who are not (gay or intelligent). it is a musing on the meaning of time. and life. and suicide. it's deep. complex. disturbing. compassionate and empathetic. non-judging. and tragic.

have you listened yet? if so, what do you think? i really want to talk about this with someone!

when time is of the essence we use it more wisely (and by we i mean me)

there's something about knowing that your time is limited that makes you way more efficient. when i used to have all the time in the world and could schedule things how/when i wanted to, i totally pissed away a whole lot of time. now that i have a more fixed schedule, i'm using my free time so much more wisely! like making this leather case for my new macbook pro. i also made up a new recipe for roasted cauliflower soup that you can find here. husband has me drawing trees for a logo for his sawmill, but i'm not there on those quite yet, so i have nothing to show. other than that, there was a lot of boring but necessary tasks, like laundry and tidying up. but i just felt so virtuous and efficient.

but now, back to the computer case...i bought this super soft, buttery leather a few weeks ago and have thus far, just fondled it lovingly, but now, it's put to use protecting my new computer. the feathers are much more cream colored than they appear in these yellowish evening photos. it's been dreary and rainy and cold all weekend, so the light wasn't great for photos. very little time was spent outside, aside from feeding animals and taking horses in and out and dashing out to take minifigure photos between rain showers. we also got a new spotty hen from a neighbor and she's settling in with the others nicely. 

i am keeping up my daily list art journal, but have yet to photograph it, so i'll do a catch-up post later in the week. i was efficient, but not that efficient, apparently. i'll blame the lack of good light. 

here's hoping your weekend was wonderful and you're ready to face the week ahead.

* * *

i love unsolved mysteries like this.

and spy stories like this.

det skal nok gå

autumn is closing in on us. the days are visibly shorter. the wind is more blustery. it's cooler. and mornings are crisp. i feel mostly ready for it (tho' i do hope that guy comes with a new furnace soon). it feels like things are winding down, even as they wind up - i'm busier, sabin's busier, husband is busier. life is rushing past at the moment. energy is being channeled in new ways. time is being spent differently than it was. new projects. new friends. much-needed long conversations 'til all hours of the morning with old friends.

but i was accustomed to the lower gear and i feel like things should slow down a bit. and i should hoard my energy a bit better. when things pick up speed, i tend to waste it on things i shouldn't. fall into old patterns, rather than remembering and embracing the new ones. old procrastinations. old ways of focusing (or not, as the case may be).

i have to remember to take a moment to gather acorns. pet the kitten. pick up the child. ride the horse. breathe. and enjoy the autumn. i love spiderwebs in the morning and crisp cool air. raspberries ripening. chutneys bubbling on the stove.

there is time for everything if you just make it.

the nature of time and place

i keep thinking about time. maybe because it feels like it's getting away from me. or going too fast. or that there's simply not enough of it. and i feel carried away on the winds of time like a fluffy feather, without any hope at all of preventing it, time is just going to take me wherever it wants.

there are certain places i've been where it felt like time slowed down and was enough. the half year i studied in russia, time elongated itself and i could fit everything in that i wanted - long rides on romantic old trains, walks and countless cups of tea with friends, spoonsful of homemade cherry jam and  deep conversations, walks in the park, walks in the snow, trips to the opera and ballet, concerts and of course studying, reading and homework. there was enough time for all of it.

my father-in-law's house (which now belongs to my sister-in-law) is the same way. time stretches out there and there's enough of it for you to read another page of that book before dinner, add one more line to your drawing, play one more hand of cards or have one more glass of wine.

i'm hoping the new house is that way too...but i guess only time will tell...

timeless

all day long, people have been asking me what time it is. and blissfully, i have had no idea. i intentionally didn't put my watch on and clocks have been conveniently out of view. we had only one appointment today. sabin's riding lesson. and she was aware of what time we needed to go to that, so i didn't have to be. and it was bliss. sometimes, you just have to let go of all those human constructs (because time (or at least how we conceptualize it) is a human construct, you know). and you just float through your day. eating when you're hungry. drinking when you're thirsty. lazing about in bed reading 'til your desire for tea drives you to get up.  making stuff if that's what you feel like - and really listening to your inner self about what you feel like. drinking tea. going for a walk when you feel moved to go for a walk in the sunshine. going for a drive when you feel like going for a drive. drinking coffee. eating ice cream when you feel like ice cream. listening to the inner rhythms, not the outer ones. and it's bliss, i tell you. absolute bliss. kinda like stonehenge. timeless. outside of time. impervious to time. i wish i could do it more often.

ponderings on a saturday night...make that sunday morning

"Can we change the world without changing the way we describe, structure and view the world?" asks truth cycles.

i set off last evening, after reading truth cycles' lovely post, to write about time and about memory and about changing the world. but, then life intervened, there were bedtime over-tired tears, a toe stubbed to bleeding, drama, a mosquito buzzing in an almost-asleep ear, more crying, then at last an exhausted little girl fell asleep after a very busy day of saturday activity.

sometimes, it seems that you have all the good intentions of wanting to change the world and how you're living in it and the impact you have on it, but then the real nitty gritties of life get in the way and divert your attention and your time. but then, who is to say that reading a story and comforting my daughter wasn't really a more worthy use of my time than sitting in front of the computer, composing a blog entry?

i studied in russia a number of years ago and during that time, i felt that time had slowed down. i had the strange sense that there was always exactly the amount of time in each day that i needed to do the things i had to and wanted to get done. i've often pondered why that was and never really come up with a satisfactory answer. but, perhaps it's because i was expressing time differently...in another language (in this case, russian). perhaps, as i have been provoked to think by the truth cycles posting, it was a matter of having oriented myself differently to time in another language and another setting. i simply lived with another relationship to time. since i assumed and expressed that i always had enough time to get things done, i in fact DID have that time. and in that, i always had enough time to go for a long walk arm in arm with friends, to drink endless cups of tea from the samovar, to go the opera or ballet every other evening, to do my homework, to attend classes, to journal and to stand in the queue outside the milk store, hoping to get some of that creamy chocolate milk, to look at wind-up watches in "watch world." all of that effortlessly fit into my days and months in kazan.

it was something about russia and perhaps russian because when i returned 3 years later for gabi's honeymoon trip on the volga, i had the same sensation...of time elongating, and being exactly as long as i needed it to be. those glorious golden days in the sunshine on the volga stretching out, the hours spent poking around in the little towns along the way, buying a basket from an old black-clad woman who had made it, taking a fantastic picture of a "dead piano" in a long-neglected manor house, wandering among the golden-cupolas of nizhny novgorod. it was a week, but in memory, it stretches into much longer. perhaps because it was such a relaxing time.

maybe that's why time seems to go so quickly in everyday life. because we're never relaxed. we're always rushing on to the next thing, never taking the time to enjoy and savor the moments as we are in them. so, although i perhaps didn't change the world yesterday, the fact that i took the time to comfort a tired little girl, to read to her, tickle her back and just be with her in that moment, maybe that was enough for that day. maybe it's the kind of thing she will remember one day and she will be happy her mom had time for her. and maybe thereby, one small gesture at a time, we actually do change the world.