Friday, April 27, 2012

is it just me?

are you looking at me?

i had a really weird moment yesterday. an unbidden, unwelcome and unusual moment (more like an hour) of an utter lack of confidence. accompanied by a strange feeling of guilt. it was especially unwelcome because i was on my way to an important meeting. and i needed my confidence and belief in my own abilities. i'm working on a project that's very important to me - it's precisely what i want to be doing - think writing, travel, writing about travel - and the meeting was about the next steps of the project. so i needed to be my real self. not some hesitant, shy, strangely guilty version of me. luckily, i had an awesome friend to call - one who happens also to be my business partner - and she talked me down. and the meeting went well and all is right with the world, project-wise.

but i'm still wondering why i felt that way. especially the odd sense of guilt, tho' i honestly hadn't done anything i should have felt guilty about. at least nothing i could think of on a conscious level. where do these feelings come from?

do you ever have that happen? you feel alone and vulnerable and lacking confidence, even when you usually face the world head-on and are pretty angst-free (tho' admittedly you do overanalyze a bit)? or is it just me?

12 comments:

stephanie said...

Funny thing: I'm having that moment/feeling today. I feel very uneasy and guilty and there isn't really any reason for it. Thankfully, I don't have anything that I have to be "on" for today, so I can just ride the feeling out. Part of me thinks that I'm feeling this way because I really want to focus on adjusting a few things in my life and I feel like maybe I'm just not good enough or strong enough to make the adjustments. It's stuff to mull over, I guess, and to take one step at a time and know that the changes don't have to be immediate and that they're for me, so they can be on MY timetable.

Very strange how suddenly random feelings fall upon us for reasons that don't seem clear.

I hope you have a great weekend, j!

Jasmine said...

Not just you, my dear.
Not today for me, but yes, I fall into just that mind-space on occasion.
I think what's most important is to realize that it is a place you inhabit, that it is not you that has changed, just that your mind has wandered into a more negative realm, you know? Or else it can become permanent.

Bill said...

It's you. My guess is you caught a dose of rabbet fever. Just take your morning vitamins and evening matinis and all will be fine.

Spilling Ink said...

I get those feelings too and unfortunately for me they are now mostly related to my work, and I can do my job blindfolded and with my hands tied behind my back, and still do it well. In other words I should feel ultra confident.

Nonetheless, there are days when I feel like a fraud, I am wracked by guilt and I lack confidence completely. I call it my dark passenger.

cestlavietlb said...

I think it happens to everyone at one point or another. IN some ways I think it's self-sabotage? For example, you are excited and happy about this project; it's your dream project. Ye old brain kicks in and says 'WAIT you can't be this happy because '.

I try to identify that feeling/those thoughts and then consciously tell my brain to "shut up".

julochka said...

I suspect men never have these moments...

Bonnie said...

It's called existential angst (which includes guilt) and it lurks below the surface in us all - waiting for a vulnerable moment when it can make itself known to us.

The thing is, when the feeling arises we try to link it to whatever we are doing in that moment hoping we can make sense of the feeling by so doing. Since humans can make links, connections, stories out of all kinds of disparate facts - we come up with some current reality-based, seemingly sensible reason for the feeling when it is often simply our unconscious existential dread rearing its head.

Just another thought for you ...

Tumus said...

I've found kissing cute furry things also restores the inner peace whenever anything rattles it. If facing the day feels overwhelming I try and focus on facing the hour or even the moment and then sometimes I start laughing at how ridiculous I was feeling.
But it's okay. Even the most confident people get those feelings they just do what you did :)

Tumus said...

I've found kissing cute furry things also restores the inner peace whenever anything rattles it. If facing the day feels overwhelming I try and focus on facing the hour or even the moment and then sometimes I start laughing at how ridiculous I was feeling.
But it's okay. Even the most confident people get those feelings they just do what you did :)

JeannetteLS said...

I hate to say this, but how often do MANY of us feel a sudden guilt right when we are in the midst of happiness? Other comments hit on this.

Heaven forbid we feel in our milieu, confident and excited. Experience it as we experience noise and pain in meditation. Let it enter and leave, without dwelling on it. It has no power anyway.

Your bunny. Now THAT has power. I hope the meeting went well.

Bill said...

Certainly men have similar moments but after punching one another in the arm, playing sports, getting even with someone or passing out from hours of beer drinking ... all is right with the world. 'Tho metrosexual guys probably have a bunch of different sensitivities.

Sammi said...

Yep! Last weekend. I just felt... inside out almost. I can't really explain it. I felt unshakeably awful and could not talk myself out of it. Luckily my boss grabbed me at the end of my shift, having noticed that I wasn't myself and him and his wife managed to talk me out of it. Gotta be thankful for those people :)