Monday, January 21, 2008

boundless spirit of creativity

i so admire sabin's ability to throw herself into a creative project (here's a picture of what she made). this evening, i got out all of the paper and stamping and scrapbooking materials in order to make a new banner for my blog. sabin pulled up a chair right beside me and dug in straight away, asking me for bits of this and that paper and "mommy, can i try this gold leaf stuff" and "shouldn't i use some of that japanese paper for a sun" and "i can cut it so it looks like grass, mommy." and then she was so mad at me, because i sat there with all of the papers and bits strewn out in front of me, paralyzed in the face of creativity, as usual. "mom, you're not inspired to paint, not inspired to make anything."

but she's wrong about that. i am inspired, i'm just blocked. perhaps afraid. perhaps paralyzed by being in a very non-creative place for the past three years. maybe i'm just stifled and need to break out. and i am breaking out. but for some reason, i need peace and tranquilty in order to settle in and do it. i need quiet in my head before the bits of paper or the paints speak to me. all of the things that have been whirling in my head for, especially the past year, are the polar opposite of peace and creativity. i'm beginning to be back in a place where i can be creative and settle back into myself, but it takes time and it only comes back incrementally, a step at a time and sometimes i'm the only one who can see those steps.

but, i vow to appreciate sabin's ability to jump in head first. if i can give her that and help her keep it, i will have done right by her. and if i can learn from it, even better. and embrace it and eventually, maybe a month or so from now, be able to do it myself. abandon myself to the creative process, let the paint sing on the canvas, let the bits of paper fly and land in meaningful arrangement on the page, realize some of the pictures in my head--pictures involving bits of driftwood, beads, rocks, wires, vibrant colors and meaningful words. even if only meaningful to me, because they help me find my way back to myself and represent the healing of my soul and perhaps bring a bit of beauty to the world along the way. and maybe i'll even have sabin to thank for it. i am so grateful for her boundless spirit of creativity. i will tell her tomorrow morning when she wakes up how very much i cherish and admire it.

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