Wednesday, March 07, 2012

wherein you means me

changing is really hard. it is all too easy to fall back into old patterns and ways of thinking, without even meaning to. suddenly, you find yourself obsessing over some stupid, small, trivial thing and you're right back there; that old person that you really don't want to be anymore.  and then you stir in a little PMS and your mind begins to blow things completely out of proportion. your thoughts race, you rehearse condescending conversations in your head and pepper them with triumphant one-liners.  and the next thing, you look up and you see the wicked witch as you pass the mirror. and you remember that that's not how you want to live anymore. being a cauldron of seething superiority is no way to live. it doesn't make you happy and it certainly doesn't make anyone else happy. it's frustrating on all sides, because it never works, even if you can feel momentarily victorious at your own cleverness.

we are so damaged by our experiences. shaped by them in ways it's hard to see. i don't need to be to be mean and tough and hard anymore. that's no longer my reality. but it's a choice i have to make. every day.  and sometimes it's hard to remember, like when a situation puts me right back there, and i'm entrenched in the fallback position of the old pattern before i even know it.

you'd like to be able to step into an elevator and get off on a different floor this time. one where it's peaceful and kind and giving and all of the good things are there (openness, ideas, compassion, energy) and the bad (arrogance, condescension, meanness, toughness) aren't needed.

but it is so hard, breaking old habits. especially ones you feel you learned after you got burned. but you have to do it, because if you don't, then you didn't learn anything and it was all for nothing. and you want that least of all.


c is for cape town said...

I was having a very bad PMS induced fug last week and a friend gave me this gem: think only as deep as a teaspoon. when you're in a rotten space contemplating any big life issues is bound to just bring you down more, sometimes one should only go 5ml deep. cut yourself some slack my dear, and be all those things - peaceful, kind, giving - to yourself first.

Elizabeth said...

The other day when in a similar mood this bubble came by.

As long as you divide anything in good or bad, there will always be war inside of you.

Thanks for the reminder since I can use it today.

Missouri Bend Paper Works said...

I'm with you Julie.....always disappointed in myself when I revert to old ways of behaving...reacting before thinking out of's a life-long work to become the person we'd like to be! Be kind to yourself are also your own best friend!

will said...

Thinking about the old 'stimulus and response" theories ... it's tough to relearn after a major stimulus ... perhaps your turning point hasn't been reached ... more needs to occur before that zen moment is realized.

Then again, when one is beaten by forces, both internal and external, there's always some type of change and hoping for an idealized condition is problematic.

I suspect there are new undiscovered psyches developing within.

Sandra said...

You are preaching to the choir, dear. I grew up a tough little kid, always looking to protect my back because I needed to. I had a very hard time trusting that I didn't need to as things changed in my life.

Don't beat yourself up, patterns of behavior are difficult to change. I compare myself to a horse I have who had some tough handling in his life. He has reached a place where he is comfortable and trusting, but it only takes an action which triggers a past memory for him to revert to his self-protecting self. My reaction to it is the key to how the situation goes. Same goes for we two-leggers. Trust in the people around you and believe they have your back and it becomes easier to let go of the need to have your back up, ready to do onto before they do onto you.

Veronica Roth said...

Totally symphathise... must be the full moon.