tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies

what is up with people? why do we constantly tell little white lies? and especially why do we tell little lies that people can easily check (sometimes just with their common sense) and know that they're not true? i do it myself. sometimes it's to protect someone's feelings, or to avoid telling a longer version of the story, because it seems like the truth won't really do any good or to protect myself and my own ego. but what seems to be common to all these little white lies is that some fear or other underlies them. fear of hurting someone, fear of rejection, fear of judgement, fear of inadequacy. you might say that little white lies are the key to the construction of our identity.

but what does it mean to have an identity that's full of little lies? the more i think about it, the more i think it's a bad thing.

just to take an example from my own life. when i left the board of the riding club a couple of months ago, i gave the excuse that i felt i was too busy getting my new business up and running and that i didn't have the time and energy to devote to it. while that was the truth, there was more to it than that. i could have easily found time and energy for it, even in the midst of my new business, if i felt that i was listened to and  respected and if i felt that everyone else who was involved was professional and knowledgeable. but the truth was, i thought that the chairman was plain and simple a fool - unprofessional and making the club look bad every time he opened his mouth or posted one of his misspelled missives on the club website. i disagreed with how he treated the kids in the club (shouting at them and threatening them) and how he allowed the club horses to be treated by one of the instructors. i didn't like that no one ever even said a simple thank you when i purchased a pony for the club's use. and then when that pony was mistreated, it was too much for me.  so i took my pony home and i left the board and in doing so, i only told part of the truth.  because i thought telling the whole truth of why i was leaving wouldn't do any good. i decided on behalf of these people that they wouldn't get anything out of knowing the truth.

and i've been so mad at myself ever since. it makes me uncomfortable every time i'm there and see those people - because i still harbor ill feelings that i didn't get the chance to clear out. and i perhaps also did them a disservice by not telling the truth and letting them learn from it or do with it whatever they would. i took away their chance to react and learn. so my little white lie - or more my half-truth, actually ended up negating everyone's chance to grow, including my own.

i'm going to really make an effort  to curb the totally unnecessary white lies (i'm a consultant, sorry, i can't do away with all of them) - especially the ones that make me feel bad in the long run.

what white lies do you tell? and how does it make you feel?

* * *

these introspective posts are part of a really great project that i'm working on. 

it has to do with this.

and i will tell you more about it soon.

confronting your inner demons

apparently studies suggest that up to 80% of our actions are driven by fear. that's a pretty scary thought. and it's no wonder so many people go down with stress. and if it's that high (i do need to check these studies myself), we're obviously driven by fear without even realizing it. i wonder if they count eating as fear-driven? fear of starvation causes us to make dinner night after night.

i'm trying to tune into that fear a bit more these days - especially where my reactions are concerned. and i'm realizing along the way how DAMAGED we are by the corporations we've worked for (and by we i mean me, but i'm absolutely certain i'm not alone). the way that companies work today is very bad for us - blame cultures, management-by-fear, competition within teams, even bonus-based systems - it's making monsters of all of us. and i'm a bit frightened by how easily those habits i learned in a corporate setting kick in as soon as i'm pressed.

i know, i know, i've written about this before, but it continues to be a struggle. a struggle to be a kinder, gentler person, while still being strong and competent and very good at what i do. and wondering sometimes how on earth to balance those things? why does being good at something so often have to equal arrogance and haughtiness? i don't want to be that way anymore. so i guess i've got to get to the bottom of those fears. but that's also a process. possibly one that will take years.  but they say recognizing the issue is the first step. (why do they never talk about the second, third and fourth steps? i think they're the hardest.) so i guess i'll keep taking these steps, baby-sized as they are.

it's not easy to shift your paradigms, but watching this the other day helped my thinking about it. of course, it's a TED talk. thanks elizabeth for sharing it.

gut feelings

photo of frankie's tummy (get it? gut feelings?)

how do you make decisions? do you think things through thoroughly and weigh all of the possibilities? or do you follow your heart? or a feeling in the pit of your stomach? do you take ages? or do you decide in an instant? do you line up all of your arguments and then decide? or do you do it on a whim? does it depend on what kind of decision it is - new house, new spouse, new shoes, what to have for dinner?

what happens when you make a decision in a different way than you're accustomed? when you don't follow your gut like you normally would? or when you do where you normally wouldn't? does it feel wrong and uncomfortable? or does it feel transformative?

changing is hard work. but i think that one thing that doesn't change for me is that my gut tells me the answer that's right for me when i'm facing big decisions. when i don't listen to that feeling in the pit of my stomach, i feel unsettled and just not right. there have been times when i didn't (especially a bad job and a mistake first husband) and i always regretted it. one of the changes i'm trying to make is that i tune into those feelings, listen to them and act on them. doing more of what my gut tells me to do.

the problem is that you can't always explain it. and people do look at you a bit funny when you say, "it just feels right." but i'm learning to go with the flow on that and trust my own instincts. and i'm slowly letting go of a need to explain. and at the age of 45, it's about time...

wherein she overuses the word "energy"

choosing your path

such an awesome day. i went to a place where i know there is truly bad energy palpable in the very air. in fact, it was actually proven by a strange phenomenon as i approached...it was a sunny and gorgeous morning. several times along the way, i wished i had time to stop and snap a photo or two, the light was so beautiful, glowing golden green on the fields. but as i approached my destination, a heavy, grey fog settled over the very buildings themselves. the bad energy inside seemingly manifesting as an actual weather phenomenon outside. quite extraordinary.

but i was in a good place (thanks to my week of positivity) and took my positive energy inside with me, honestly feeling no apprehension about it, despite knowing what i knew about the place. and i was able to keep it all day, even tho' there were times when it flagged somewhat (hungry will do that to anyone). it helped that i was working with someone who definitely gives me positive energy. and even at the end of the day, i felt great. instead of being tired and finished, i had all of the energy i needed to change clothes and jump on my bike and go meet sabin, who was biking home. we found a sad, lost kitty in the forest along the way (and brought her home in my bike basket). then we ate out in the garden, grilling a leisurely dinner and having a glass of wine and enjoying the gorgeous weather.

it helped that the topic of today's course was on written communication. as we know, i love that. but honestly, a big part today was that on sunday night i decided to have a great week. i don't want to go all new agey, but it seems that there is something to the power of positive thinking (and sunshine). and of working with people who give you energy instead of taking it away.

i must remember this. it seems to be a powerful thing and gives new meaning to the notion of renewable energy.

sunshine, bunnies and change

and the week of awesome continues...we've got sunshine and 20°C. we don't want to come into the house at night, it's so perfect outdoors. so many good things are happening this week that not even the disappearance for several hours yesterday of this little sweetie could really put a damper on things:

and after much frantic searching, peaches was eventually found, together with her naughty brother velvet. we didn't even ground them after their disappearance and they got to go outside for the first time today. they tasted stinging nettles and then vigorously washed their little faces with both paws. cute in a tragic sort of way. and maybe a sort of fitting punishment for the whole escaping and hiding thing.

it's a good thing i decided to have a great week, because there's a lot going on and i'm having one of those times where you actually can see yourself changing and adjusting and becoming someone new by leaps and bounds instead of so slowly that you don't notice. maybe it's just spring...the air is full of the song of birds having sex, the flowers are blooming everywhere, the animals are having babies. not that any of those things apply to me (easy there, folks, i'm old!), but yet i feel the speed of the growth and change - i guess we're all just hurrying up to soak up some light while it's here.

i know that was rather cryptic and doesn't make sense, but i'm still working on it. change is hard and sometimes it happens kicking and screaming and sometimes it happens in one giant leap. it's all a matter of how you choose to face it. i'm glad i decided to have a great week this week.

more soon.

hello monday!

hello monday! so happy to see you! 

i know you're going to be the start of a very good week.

soul lag

my soul is lagging behind this morning. it stayed over there in the world i inhabit in my dreams. this morning that was a world filled with a very rickety elevator, where the springs of the floor were exposed, and they looked much like the springs of an old bed, tho' it seemed to work just fine. there was also a big tray of cupcakes - filled with jam and cream and frosted in patriotic red, white and blue. and an impending snowmobile trip with a group of strange old men. the lag wasn't helped by a foggy morning. the fog seeming to prolong the fog in my head as i wandered the garden, camera in hand, hoping to somehow capture the soul lag feeling in pixels.

it's left me feeling a not unpleasant feeling of apartness with the world. shifted just a bit. perspective changed. viewing things through the fog. all shapes changed to something other than what they usually are. but they hold a potential which was lurking in them all along, waiting for the fog. and the soul lag.

wherein you means me

changing is really hard. it is all too easy to fall back into old patterns and ways of thinking, without even meaning to. suddenly, you find yourself obsessing over some stupid, small, trivial thing and you're right back there; that old person that you really don't want to be anymore.  and then you stir in a little PMS and your mind begins to blow things completely out of proportion. your thoughts race, you rehearse condescending conversations in your head and pepper them with triumphant one-liners.  and the next thing, you look up and you see the wicked witch as you pass the mirror. and you remember that that's not how you want to live anymore. being a cauldron of seething superiority is no way to live. it doesn't make you happy and it certainly doesn't make anyone else happy. it's frustrating on all sides, because it never works, even if you can feel momentarily victorious at your own cleverness.

we are so damaged by our experiences. shaped by them in ways it's hard to see. i don't need to be to be mean and tough and hard anymore. that's no longer my reality. but it's a choice i have to make. every day.  and sometimes it's hard to remember, like when a situation puts me right back there, and i'm entrenched in the fallback position of the old pattern before i even know it.

you'd like to be able to step into an elevator and get off on a different floor this time. one where it's peaceful and kind and giving and all of the good things are there (openness, ideas, compassion, energy) and the bad (arrogance, condescension, meanness, toughness) aren't needed.

but it is so hard, breaking old habits. especially ones you feel you learned after you got burned. but you have to do it, because if you don't, then you didn't learn anything and it was all for nothing. and you want that least of all.

get out there and meet someone new

after my recent paradigm shift, i've been thinking about ways to be more active in my local surroundings. because previously, when i haven't found the human interaction i felt i needed in my everyday life, i turned to the blogosphere for such things. (easy now, i'm not abandoning that!) but husband has long teased me that i should find creative people in my area and hang out with them.

late last week, i stumbled onto the brooklyn brainery website and through it, found the society for the advancement of social studies and i longed for there to be such organizations in my area - somewhere to hang out with interesting people, to learn something esoteric, to teach about something i love (like blogging? or how to go about a 365 photo project?). and on facebook, i lamented that if there were to be such a thing in my area, i'd have to start it.

after more than a decade of closing myself off in order not to feel that feeling of rejection from the at times cold culture around me, i screwed up my courage and went to the library. i go to the library all the time, so it's not that bit that required courage. i knew that one of the women who works there is involved in the local "culture house," and i decided that i'd talk to her and share my ideas with her and ask how i could get involved. just out of the blue. like that. opening myself to rejection and everything.

and guess what? she was totally cool about it! she gave me her card and invited me to their january meeting where they will elect a new board and discuss the coming year. she said there are also possibilities for such activities through the library and not only through the local culture house (they managed to get their hands on the quaint old city hall building in our little town). and so last night, i sent her a mail with some ideas. and i'll talk to her some more on thursday. and i'm feeling pretty excited about it.

sometimes you just have to dare to get out there and meet someone new.