seeking comfort

events of the past week. the past few months for that matter. four days of gusty winds, driving rain and sleet. general uncertainty. it all has me wanting to hunker down. light candles. stir up a real batch of cooked oatmeal - like the kind that you have to cook for 15-20 minutes (jamie tells you how here.) - and top it with blueberries (don't ask about the food miles), butter, real maple syrup and a drizzle of cream. seeking comfort. finding it. and also having it find me in unexpected forms that i only realized were needed after they arrived. life is like that sometimes.

taking lessons from the sea

the wind and the waves on the west coast of denmark have such a calming effect. when i was there on sunday, after the course, i didn't really need relaxing and to have my head cleared, but after a really bad night's sleep and another encounter with xenophobia, sexism, racism and bullying, which the culture house meetings have become, i could definitely use some of that pounding surf right now.

i try to replace the hurt feelings, which completely zap all of the good energy out of me with loving, comforting thoughts. but, like this heart in the expanse of sand, those thoughts shiver there, all alone.

and then, right there on the beach is a big, ugly cement bunker, which feels like it's lashed around my neck and i'm dragging it along, and it's filled with all of the bad karma of the xenophobia, sexism, racism and bullying (fascism?). and even tho' someone has written kærlighed (love) on the side of it, it's still an eyesore.

but i can shift it over to the side of my vision and take in the sand and the wind and the waves and the cold, cleansing air. and they wash over me and i can breathe again.

but there is still a big knot of unresolved tensions and hard feelings and well, xenophobia, sexism, racism, bullying and exclusion. and they're piled there, seemingly impossible to untangle.

so i turn once again to the clear expanse of sand and sea and wind and winter sunshine. and let the cold freeze it all away, replacing it with calm, an inner rhythm that matches the waves as they relentlessly continue to wash ashore, not letting anything stand in their way. and i choose to take my lesson from that.

roads taken and not

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

--Robert Frost

i know i've often protested that i'm not a poetry person, but as i contemplate roads, this speaks to me. sometimes you rejoin a road you took before and find it improved. at least that's what i'm hoping.

happy weekend.

from whence surplus?

i had a long conversation last night about that whole concept of overskudsmennesker (surplus people) and underskudsmennesker (deficit people) that i believe i've mentioned here before. those words are so wonderful and packed with meaning in danish, meaning that's not contained in the literal translation, nor in any more metaphorical one i can come up with. even tho' we lack a word for it, i know you know people in both categories.

overskudsmennesker are largely positive. they have time for things. they are creative and their actions reflect both an open mind and a big heart. they're able to see situations from all sides. they are good at having an overview. when someone presents an idea, they run with it and expand on it, instead of shutting it down or making fun of it.

underskudsmennesker, as you might imagine, are the opposite. they have something negative to say about everything. they aren't open to new ideas and they often are critical naysayers in the face of other people's ideas. they're the ones who you'll hear say, "we tried that before and it didn't work." they are often utterly unable to see a situation from another perspective.

i know i show traits of both at times, because i don't think that anyone is ever always on top of things. we all go up and down, depending on our energy levels. but i've come to think that once again, whether you are generally in surplus has a lot to do with social capital (i know, i'm always bringing it back to that, but i think bourdieu was right). do your background, education, upbringing and situation equip you to deal positively with the world or not? do they enable you to see the big picture? i think for many, the answer is no and it means they wallow in their own perspective and their own negativity, never lifting their head above the horizon to really look at things. never having the surplus to do so.

i don't mean to say that you have to be educated to be happy (tho' somewhere inside i probably do believe that to an extent), but that you need to be equipped with a broad way of looking at things in order to see situations for what they are and not get bogged down in some minute and unimportant detail. one that drains your energy and the energy of those around you.

another thing i've noticed is that when you have many passionate people involved in something, those passions will clash and result in a disturbing draining of energy that leaves everyone feeling like an underskudsmennesker, at least at that moment. great passions are energy dynamos, but that means that they are also energy drains. and sometimes we're so caught up in them we can't see that we crossed the line from surplus to deficit.

the road ahead

the way is clear, the light is good, i have no fear, nor no one should.

it has been a rather long and winding road, at times blocked by obstacles and obscured by fog, but it seems to suddenly have cleared and things are picking up speed. i've got my seatbelt on and i'm ready for the ride. 

i don't want to go all new agey on you here, but honestly, it seems that the best thing you can do in life is surround yourself with people who give you energy instead of taking it away or trying to smother it when they see it in you. i got wind of some of those people today, but because i've built up a new wall of energy-giving people and experiences around me over the past few months, it had no effect. and that was a new experience for me. one i definitely want to have more often.

it also seems that putting out positive energy brings more of it your way. a new project came our way out of the blue today and it's full of positivity. even rainy, cloudy days can't hold us back now, the road ahead is clear.

sunshine, bunnies and change

and the week of awesome continues...we've got sunshine and 20°C. we don't want to come into the house at night, it's so perfect outdoors. so many good things are happening this week that not even the disappearance for several hours yesterday of this little sweetie could really put a damper on things:

and after much frantic searching, peaches was eventually found, together with her naughty brother velvet. we didn't even ground them after their disappearance and they got to go outside for the first time today. they tasted stinging nettles and then vigorously washed their little faces with both paws. cute in a tragic sort of way. and maybe a sort of fitting punishment for the whole escaping and hiding thing.

it's a good thing i decided to have a great week, because there's a lot going on and i'm having one of those times where you actually can see yourself changing and adjusting and becoming someone new by leaps and bounds instead of so slowly that you don't notice. maybe it's just spring...the air is full of the song of birds having sex, the flowers are blooming everywhere, the animals are having babies. not that any of those things apply to me (easy there, folks, i'm old!), but yet i feel the speed of the growth and change - i guess we're all just hurrying up to soak up some light while it's here.

i know that was rather cryptic and doesn't make sense, but i'm still working on it. change is hard and sometimes it happens kicking and screaming and sometimes it happens in one giant leap. it's all a matter of how you choose to face it. i'm glad i decided to have a great week this week.

more soon.

bunny metaphors

there comes a time when you have to leave the safety of the group...

and venture out on your own. of course, it helps if you have a bit of support.

it seems there really is something to the notion that in closing one door, another one opens. sometimes it just takes awhile to figure out which one to open next.

i think i've been afraid for so long to leave the support of a system provided by a company and just trust in my own abilities. but that's almost over now. and already i can tell that it's going to be a good thing.

i'm not sure if good things come to those who wait so much as good things come to those who make them happen.

wherein you means me

changing is really hard. it is all too easy to fall back into old patterns and ways of thinking, without even meaning to. suddenly, you find yourself obsessing over some stupid, small, trivial thing and you're right back there; that old person that you really don't want to be anymore.  and then you stir in a little PMS and your mind begins to blow things completely out of proportion. your thoughts race, you rehearse condescending conversations in your head and pepper them with triumphant one-liners.  and the next thing, you look up and you see the wicked witch as you pass the mirror. and you remember that that's not how you want to live anymore. being a cauldron of seething superiority is no way to live. it doesn't make you happy and it certainly doesn't make anyone else happy. it's frustrating on all sides, because it never works, even if you can feel momentarily victorious at your own cleverness.

we are so damaged by our experiences. shaped by them in ways it's hard to see. i don't need to be to be mean and tough and hard anymore. that's no longer my reality. but it's a choice i have to make. every day.  and sometimes it's hard to remember, like when a situation puts me right back there, and i'm entrenched in the fallback position of the old pattern before i even know it.

you'd like to be able to step into an elevator and get off on a different floor this time. one where it's peaceful and kind and giving and all of the good things are there (openness, ideas, compassion, energy) and the bad (arrogance, condescension, meanness, toughness) aren't needed.

but it is so hard, breaking old habits. especially ones you feel you learned after you got burned. but you have to do it, because if you don't, then you didn't learn anything and it was all for nothing. and you want that least of all.

noted.

i had a revelation today.  i was driving along and i saw the sun shining on a little pond and it was absolutely glorious. and i realized there, in the face of that beauty and light and stillness and the silhouettes of the trees, that i cannot take responsibility for fighting against all of the stupidity in the world. or even some of it. i cannot help it if people are petty and power-hungry and purposefully obstinate. i cannot help it if they lack creativity and vision and are unable to appreciate those things in others. i cannot make them open to new ideas if they are closed. i cannot make them other than who they are.

imagine if we took all of the energy we use trying to resist the stupidity of the world and directed it towards something positive. that thought, like this moment of sunlight on a little lake, takes my breath away.

top chicken

there are times when i begin to feel decidedly hermit-like. for example, meetings, where everyone has such a need to be heard that it results in them talking on top of one another, interrupting and generally preening to show they're the top chicken make me want to beat a fast retreat.  it's just so distant from where i am and where i want to be.

i suppose positioning is simply a biological drive we can't turn off. we constantly assess where we're at in the hierarchy and work to position ourselves more advantageously. there was a time when i was in there with those crowing the loudest, but i don't want to be there anymore. i'm coming to the realization (probably a bit late, admittedly), that you don't have to be the one making the most noise to actually be the top chicken.

but those doing all that squawking really are annoying.

talk about getting your wires crossed

if they could be drawn and mapped in any way, the communication lines around me of late would look like this photo. many lines of input, some tangles, some output, a few knots, the odd loop and a whole lot of mess. where to begin untangling and move toward understanding? i'm at a loss. and it's going to get uglier before it gets pretty. where is a moment of perfect clarity when you need one?