tidying up

it's been raining all weekend, so i've been stuck inside, on a mission to tidy up and clean. i hadn't done more than the very bare minimum since my back troubles began back in october. but today, all the rugs were taken out (between showers) and shaken. cobwebs vacuumed up, shelves dusted with a damp, soapy cloth and a bit of rearranging of beloved items. the entryway is still where we stack our shoes and hang our coats, but it's much more inviting.

i got on such a roll, that i tackled my desk area, where papers had piled up and dust had accumulated and spiders had built major real estate. i put away most of the lego from my desk area, realizing at long last that having it there made me more sad than happy. i replaced it with things i wanted to look at instead - my favorite scale with the little birds on top, a bobbaloo, my 2016 happiness jar (which i'd also neglected for a few months), a stack of moleskines, some of the pots i made in ceramics class. objects that bring me joy.

and tho' that little adjacent hallway needs a good once-over on the shelves and the stacks of paper all sorted, it was pretty awesome to clear up my desk area. it had a clearing effect on my head as well. funny how the clutter around us clutters our minds. and then it hit me, while i was vacuuming, that i wasn't worried about my back. for the first time in nearly 9 months, i really wasn't worried about my back. i felt strong and capable and, dare i say, normal again. all that yoga is paying off.

but i also credit it to a long and deep conversation i had on tuesday evening with an old friend. it loosened something in me and i was able, after far too long, to let go of both physical and psychological pain and begin to move forward once again. i don't know if we even talked about anything all that deep - there was a lot of laughter and quite a bit of wine - but it somehow shifted something in me. i don't know if i'll be who i was before (are we ever?), but i feel more like myself again. and after wondering whether i ever would again, it's a big relief.

and on that note, i'm off to tidy the kitchen.

a new happiness wardrobe or is it the happiness of a new wardrobe?

i did not buy all these dresses, but i wanted to. i do have some restraint. but at the same time, i am working in the more dressed-up world of shipping again and i needed some new work clothes. my old shipping wardrobe had been hanging in the closet for ages and was pretty out-of-date and just didn't feel like me anymore. i'm a different person now than i was then. and this person needed some new clothes.

i've been drawn to navy blue for awhile now, i think it's since i picked navy blue glasses about a year go. slowly, i've added blue items to my wardrobe. today, i went in to my current favorite store (COS, which is H&M's answer to banana republic) to have them remove the anti-theft device they forgot to remove from a necklace i bought the last time and there were new styles in the store. and frankly, i couldn't resist them. black isn't far from navy blue, but everyone needs a good little black dress and the cut of this dress? swoon! and to push myself out of the blue rut, i grabbed the mustard dress (those pockets are dark blue in reality, tho' they look black in this instagram photo, so there's still a bit of navy) and made myself try it. it didn't look like much on the hanger, but i fell in love with it. i didn't fall in love with the one in the middle, so it stayed in the store, but i did like the burgundy, pink and navy combo.

i think best of all, i realize in looking at these photos, snapped in a dressing room mirror, that i look happy again. and feel worthy of pretty new clothes. it's been far too long since that happened. i think it might have something to do with all those ships.

ship shape

tho' i'd love to have stayed at the shipyard forever, it is nice to be home. standing outside, filming the painting of the ship for several days did not improve my cough. but seriously, a shipyard is a fantastic place. there are not really any weekends or even nights - there are people working flat out on the ship around the clock - working to meet the deadline for when the ship has to go back into service. it's not really that different than shipping in general - ships run around the clock, not really cognizant of weekends  or holidays - arriving in ports, moving cargo, taking people and cars back and forth like clockwork, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. it's really the industry making the world go around and yet it's rather invisible to us as we make our way through shops, buying new clothes, picking up bananas or avocados or wine, never thinking about how all of those things got to us. well, usually, some link in how they got here is via a ship.

i had been out to the big shipyards in busan, south korea before, but i hadn't really been at a repair yard and not to a dry docking. there's something amazing about the way they line up the supports before backing the ship into the dock and then drain it slowly of water, gently setting the ship down precisely on the heavy steel and wood supports. it's amazing that a 40,000+ ton ship is balancing so precisely on so little. and yet it does. and there are hundreds of people moving in and around the ship all day long and it doesn't budge. it's quite awe-inspiring. and all the while, the ship is functioning as a hotel as well, with nearly 100 staff, and another 100 or so contractors staying and eating onboard on a daily basis. what an operation! what a privilege to get to be a part of it! i'll be sharing what we were doing there in the coming days as we release the content. i'm pretty excited about the work we did. 

* * *

the danish concept of hygge will get you through winter with your sanity intact.

at least that's what wired thinks.

i'm inclined to light a few candles and agree.

* * *

interesting photos (tho' they're in that crappy HDR that i loathe) of the inside of the costa concordia.

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finally, some substantial critique of the mindfulness movement.

just when i needed it most

you know that thing where you spend time with precisely the people you need to spend time with? and they just lift you up and make you recognize yourself again (even tho' they themselves are totally different). and you can't feel other than grateful. and a little bit your old self again. and by you, i mean me. and me? i'm settling back into myself. finding comfort there again, after far too long.

surfacing

when i was informed nearly a year ago that my wonderful job was going away, i was given a couple of disingenuous excuses. they assured me that it was nothing i had done, i had performed at a high level, it was just a new course that was being charted because "LEGO isn't ready for co-creation." this despite countless articles by business journals and sites to the contrary (i link to just one of dozens). the other thing i was told is that my position was being converted to a marketing job and that i just didn't really fit with that because, "you're not commercial." i ran through my cv in my head, stumbling over decidedly commercially-minded companies like microsoft and maersk along the way and felt bewildered. i numbly accepted that news, because what else could i do. i was in a state of shock.

i had sensed that there was a reorg in the air in the weeks leading up to that fateful day, but i hadn't at all seen it coming that there would be no place for me in that reorg. it left me feeling not only sorrowful that my wonderful job had disappeared for reasons that seemed lame at best, but also that i had lost my ability to read people and situations and quickly understand them. and it has, i admit, knocked me off balance for nearly a year.

over the past year, on three occasions, i've been in the final pool for a new position with our favorite maker of plastic bricks and on every occasion, i came in first runner-up. it felt like i was beating my head against a (plastic) brick wall. the only feedback i've received on any of those losing propositions was that i was "too intimidating." a piece of information that is so far from how i feel on the inside, that i didn't know what to do with it, other than stir it up with the other oblique statements i had been given and try to make sense of it. that proved impossible, so what i did is that i gave up and started looking for jobs outside of LEGO.

one month ago, i applied for a very interesting-sounding marketing content position with one of the oldest shipowners in denmark. as you know, i'm a bit of a ship geek from previous jobs in the industry, and i'd long missed that world. just a few days after i sent my application, i was invited for an interview for a different position than the one i'd applied for - one which had been advertised earlier, but which i'd missed. i gratefully accepted and it went well and i was invited for the second round last week. and lo and behold, i was offered the job yesterday. and guess what? it's a marketing job. so i guess it turns out that i am commercial after all.

a delightful and quick process (getting hired into LEGO took more than six months from application to contract) goes a long way towards healing the wounds caused by those disingenuous excuses about my co-creation job. it makes me feel that i can once again trust my inner voice, read situations and that i am once again seen and valued for who i am and for my experience. it makes me sad to admit that the way i was treated by LEGO made me doubt all those things and feel strangely invisible. this was compounded by running into that duplicitous manager the other day and having him nearly refuse to shake my hand in greeting, even tho' he was shaking the hands of everyone else i was standing and talking to. i actually had a nightmare about that the night before last. but now, those nightmares can be put behind me.

i will still love the ingenuity and cleverness of the plastic brick and i am happy to have had the year i had as LEGO's co-creation manager and my immediate boss there was probably the best boss i've ever had, but i am also happy to be putting it all behind and returning to the world of shipping.

it helps a little bit that the new job is in copenhagen, so i'll get to return to the real world, at least during the week, a bit as well.

rising from the ashes

i'm not a fan of brené brown (pretentious git, i could not stand this ted talk by her), but this post about her work on brain pickings did speak to me.  it makes me realize that it's time to release the notion of idealized perfection and acknowledge that it's been really hard for the past year. my dream job being taken away for reasons that feel false and disingenuous has left me wounded in ways from which it feels like i might never recover. to have found something that felt so perfect and so much like home and have it taken away hurts so much. i wonder if i'll find a job that feels so right ever again? will all other jobs pale in comparison? and the thought that i might not ever be as happy in my work again is truly frightening and leaves me paralyzed. at times, it just seems like too much and i want to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head and just sleep until the world is different. or at least until my view on it changes.

but brown's work is about rising from the ashes of defeat, not about sleeping it off. it's about the guts and resilience it takes. she says, "the process of regaining our emotional footing in the midst of struggle is where our courage is tested and our values are forged." the grit it takes to do this is often lauded in today's world, as we rush headlong towards happy endings, but brown says that discounts the pain and the hard work of rising again after a defeat. "embracing failure without acknowledging the real hurt and fear that it can cause, or the complex journey that underlies rising strong, is gold-plating grit. to strip failure of its real emotional consequences is to scrub the concepts of grit and resilience of the very qualities that make them both so important — toughness, doggedness, and perseverance."

the truth is, i feel that some part of my identity was stripped from me along with my dream job and it feels like purposeful cruelty. and while i have been fighting the notion that i am my work for a good many years now, the truth is that it's inescapable in our culture. so i am left wondering who i am and what's next. and i'm feeling like any grit i once had that would help me through such an experience is gone for good.

but perhaps each time i acknowledge the hurt and pick a bit more at the wound, it will get a little bit better and i will find a way to rise once again from a failure not really my own. and perhaps that's the problem. this happened to me due to the cold, unfeeling reality of corporate decision-making and despite how very personal it feels, it actually wasn't when it comes down to it. and that makes it hard to know what to learn from it - should i become less trusting? be a cold, unfeeling spectre? do i give less of myself the next time? should i not fall in love with a job i love? do i stop being my real self in order to protect that self the next time around? it's all still very bewildering. i wonder when it will get any easier...

the torso project

i need a boost of positive energy after the day i've had (tales of troglodytes and deeply unprofessional and unserious and manipulative behavior, which i will process a bit more for myself before i share), so i would like to share an amazing project i'm going to be part of at the beginning of march.  it's called kvindeportrætter (women's portraits) 30 women (some artists, some not) will gather and make a plaster cast of our very own torsos. afterwards, we will decorate them as we wish - collage, paint, whatever - telling the stories of ourselves and our lives. 

aside from the torso mold, which makes me a little light-headed when i think about it (there will be nowhere to hide), i can't wait! it's running in the back of my mind, the things with which i want to adorn my own torso - tickets i've been saving, interesting articles, snippets of text, something along the lines of a gift i once received from a friend, perhaps some stitching or stones or driftwood. it feels delicious with possibilities. and the sense of community of two days spent with like-minded creative women - just the thought of it gives me a sense of calm and a feeling of happiness that i was much in need of at the moment.

this torso in the photographs was made by the woman who will lead the project. she did it in the context of an art relay - where they artists were to make a piece of art, then send some piece of it on to another. they would also receive a piece of another's art and have to incorporate it into theirs. the triangle in the center was what she sent on. and the little doll hanging inside is related to what she received, as is the red color of the inside. she said there wasn't a single piece on it that isn't laden with meaning. 

isn't that awesome?

i'm so happy to be finding the artistic community i was missing. i will share more once it gets underway. the results will be exhibited locally and in a real art museum. but more about that as it happens. in the meantime, here's the pinterest board where i'm saving my inspiration. 

maybe i'm an anthropologist

i had a dream last night that i got lost in mall of america and couldn't find any exit. i knew going to that place would haunt me. of course, my dreams have taken place in a large mall for years, but they hadn't for awhile now. this time, i was aware that it was mall of america, whereas previously, it was the mall in my mind (a strange amalgamation of various malls in manila and singapore and possibly arizona). it's one of those dreams where i don't precisely remember what was happening other than that i couldn't find the exit and had wandered into one of those rather dimly-lit abandoned wings of it, but it's been flashing into my head all day. it feels a little bit like i never really woke up from it properly.

* * *

i am so writing a book about this little town where i live (and probably the one where i grew up, since the types are similar). i gathered another set of character sketches this evening. we've got the one who fancies himself king, the troglodyte (sometimes hard to tell from the wanna-be king), we've got the cranky retired schoolteacher(s) who fear change and want everything to be as it always was and odin forbid we try something new, we've got the town drunk (who also happens to be a moron), we've got the charming eccentric, the earnestly engaged, we've got the upstart newcomer who is trying way too hard, we've got the politically astute, two local reporters, the welfare recipient and the one who calms everything down with humor. oddly, there are few women, i'm going to have to go back and observe some more.

i wonder if i might actually be an anthropologist.

* * *

a little sad about not having a proper thanksgiving. the danes still haven't realized it's a holiday (despite realizing in the 15 years i've been here that valentine's day (which is totally made up by those flower people) and halloween are) so no turkey for us tomorrow. unless i spontaneously go acquire one. which would make my child happy. she's got some american genes, apparently, as she does love turkey. but i sure wish i was going to be together with my family! i'll at least have to make something pumpkiny tomorrow (later today?) and possibly a large chicken if i can't find a small turkey (denmark seems to think that duck is where it's at holiday birdwise).

* * *

a new blog friend, who i met via the dinner list group on facebook. i only learned today she blogs (see what i mean about facebook diluting things?). and she also loves danish crime shows.

* * *

you really must visit this odd and wonderful place - the odd luminary.

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the b boards on pinterest:  beautiful things, blue room (because i will have one again), bobbaloos, braids, and bunny rabbit.

peaceful like a monet sunset

the house is quiet.
the cat curled up at my feet.
outside, the world is covered again in snow.
ideas are bubbling in my brain and sleep seems distant.

sabin went with her after school club to do her christmas shopping today.
they took the train.
and probably a bit too much money.
she felt so proud.
and impossibly big.
and was bouncing with excitement about what she bought.
she's so looking forward to christmas.

and she only bought a couple of items for herself.
she is her mother's daughter, after all.

these days i'm finding so much peace.
and energy (which sounds at odds, but really it's not).
and so many ideas.
and wishing i'd known much sooner that i'd feel this way.
as peaceful as a monet sunset.

* * *

this post is written in homage to the fabulous tara, whose posts always remind me to live in the moment. and i wanted to see my post form on the page like hers. only hers are always more full of peace than mine could ever be. go and read them, drink them in, you won't be sorry.

that sunday feeling - dreamy

1. new york at home on the kitchen table, 2. Old Time Trike, 3. nov 23, 4. back to brodway

be sure to stop by domestic sensualists for some inspiration for a wintry dinner with seasonal ingredients.

princess sparkle pony

now that i feel light and myself again (it seriously took only minutes to get myself back - if only i'd known that earlier), i can't believe how the ideas are flowing. my thoughts are skipping and so is my heart. it's partly the white wonderland and the sunshine we've had of late - sunshine makes such a difference. but it's more than that. it's a settling back into my soul, knowing that all of my energy is my own, to do with what i wish (and what i wish is not to waste it. ever again.)

i find myself once again open to opportunities for creativity. and oddly, i didn't even realize how closed i was. wow. i have this feeling that something amazing is about to happen. and my eyes are open to it now. i'm ready, universe. bring it on! help me make it happen.

* * *

and hello to all of you new reverb10 folks stopping by! i'm so glad i decided to play along!

a weaver of words

tonight was the final lesson of my weaving class. the timing is good, as i'm about to move to the other side of the country and start a new job (not necessarily in that order) and i wouldn't have been able to continue anyway. i think the classes were a wonderful introduction to weaving and they were even more than i hoped they would be. i feel very fortunate to have gotten my start with such a good teacher. i had to take one last wander around the little house where the weaving association has its looms. if i counted correctly, there are 19 looms there of varying sizes. here are a few of them:

a loom just like the one i bought.

i've taken loads of pictures of this loom because it's like the one that i bought. i'm a bit worried since i've never seen mine when it's put together. i'm sure all of the pieces are there, but there are an awful lot of them and it looks really, really complicated.

large loom without a project

final set-up before beginning.

setting up the loom is actually the most time-consuming part. it's complicated and requires a level of gymnastics, climbing in and out of the loom itself, before it's ready. i'm already pondering what project i want to be the first on my own loom when we get it set up sometime in the late summer/early fall.

the 7 different 20cm x 20cm patterns that i did during the lessons

i finished my piece last week and took it off the loom then. in the end i finished 7 test patches of 6 different patterns. the last one is really only a half, as i came to the end of the warp i had on the loom. it was a marvelous exercise to do it this way, as i learned about changing the various configurations of the pedals (which may not be the right term - i'm learning this in danish, so i don't know any of the english terms!) to get different patterns and i can see a big improvement from the first to the last of the pieces, as i grew more comfortable with the loom and how tight or loose things needed to be. using three colors, i learned a lot about how the colors interact. i've cut them apart and i've got them in pockets with their patterns in my own weaving notebook, which is a story that's just beginning to be written. 'til now, i've been mostly a weaver of words, but i hope to become a real weaver as well.

i will miss the lessons and the people. but i will find a new vævkreds, as it's called in danish. i'll live close enough to the museum in randbøldal to be able to join the lovely ladies there, which seems fitting since it's where i first discovered weaving last autumn.

but another very good thing has come out of my weaving...i get to photograph one of my teacher's beautiful rugs for the july issue of the british magazine home & garden on thursday. and i'm so excited! i hope the sun shines so that we have good light!

you can run but you can't hide

there's something about blogging. something real and true and when you're not being real and true, people can feel it. they might not be able to put a finger on what it is, but they can feel it. and so, because they're lovely and despite not knowing you in real life, they email you and ask if you're all right. and you answer that you are, that it was just because you lacked internet. you do this not because you were intentionally lying or concealing, but because even you yourself hadn't really seen what the problem was. and then you have a fantastic, very grounding visit to an art museum and find that that you were totally out of sync with yourself, but the visit has settled you back in so that you feel once again comfortable in your own skin.

and so you begin to wonder what it was that was different about you and your posts. you know yourself that you hadn't been feeling the vibe, but that it was never so bad that you didn't feel like blogging at all, you just had a vague awareness that you lacked inspiration, mostly because all of the things that were foremost in your mind were things you weren't really prepared to blog about at that moment. so you were holding back. not lying, just holding back. because some things just can't be blogged about. at least not at certain moments. things like health fears (easy there, not serious ones) and work issues and money issues (part of work issues in that they are rubbish at paying my travel settlements and in case you haven't noticed, i travel. a lot). but there all that was, lurking in the background and keeping me from being the real me here in my little corner of the blogosphere. (aside: they said blogosphere yesterday on BBC World and it made me smile.)

all of this personal, internal revelation makes me realize once again that the nature of blogging as a genre is such that we can't really hide ourselves out here. and to be honest, i wouldn't even want to.

and i really want to say thank you to all of you for noticing and emailing me and well, for caring. it means a lot. and it helped. a lot.