just another rainy sunday in june

raindrops on the terrace roof.
a special quality of light - summer light, even tho' it's cloudy.
it has a greenish cast to it, as the trees drink in the needed rain.
kittens racing around, tumbling.
a mug of steaming tea and a fresh, light bun slathered in butter.
a moment of quiet contentment. 
the day hasn't yet really begun.

i need this moment.

the days start to feel busy, rushing headlong into one another.

as my calendar fills up.

in a good way, as the projects are now of my own choosing.

a photo class for kids at the library.

helping shape a new school.

writing about travel.

editing a book.

sharing a bit of my culture.

being part of creating new surroundings for the culture where i live.

just being more solidly where i am.

and always time with a horse.

it's the healthiest time.

and the greatest gift you can give your child.

because you can't fool a horse.

it knows if you're scared.

or if you're trusting.

or if you're bluffing.

they can just see right through to you.

the real you.

you can't hide from a horse.

and as always, dreaming of what's next.

a refuge in the garden.

a long, narrow, rustic building,

where the light floods in from windows along both sides.

but a safe, dark cocoon in which to work at one end.

and room for a long table.

where we could have meetings,

and not be ashamed to invite people from outside.

reshaping what an office means.

i'm unused to a full calendar.

and that means i mess things up sometimes.

like yesterday, when we showed up for a wedding at 2 p.m.

and found out it had started at 1 p.m.

and all that was left at the church was the rice on the ground.

i was very surprised and a little embarrassed.

but i find myself laughing about it now.

if you throw a whole lot of balls up in the air,

you're bound to drop a couple of them.

poster kitties

husband says they look a little bit like living posters. that's of course when he's looking at them in real life. but they are some handsome and photogenic kittens. i wonder if we can just keep all of them?  i think their eyes are turning a bit green, tho' they still like quite blue in the photos. they play all the time. and then they abruptly sleep. i think we could all learn something from that.

updating "about me"

it seemed like it was about time to update my "about me." so i did.

waves hello!  this is me. or at least my feet (if you like them, you can see more of them over here). i'm american, but i've been living in the little land of denmark for nigh on 14 years. i met a lovely danish boy in the balkans in 1997 when i was on a fulbright there and i followed him home (after going back home to the states to get rid of that starter husband take care of a few things). it's really true that a fulbright can change your life.

i thought i was going to be a professor of russian literature, as russian literature is my first love but life took me in another direction and i've worked for some of the biggest companies in the world. however, now, together with a couple of friends, i have a very tiny little consultancy specializing in all kinds of communications and strategy development in english. and that suits me just fine.

at that point in life where you're supposed to be settled down, enjoying your career, your volvo and your perfect house in the suburbs, we gave it all up and moved to a falling down house on a little 17 acre farm property in the middle of nowhere in denmark. i live there with that danish husband (and i really do call him husband) and our daughter who is not quite a teenager, but starting to show signs. we actually live in a town called give, which i feel makes me a little bit kinder and gentler towards the world, just because of what it means. actually, being kinder and gentler towards the world is something i'm working on - both literally (in terms of consuming less) and internally (in terms of trying to turn off my evil corporate persona, which, if i think about it, started out as an evil academic persona). and i don't always succeed. but hey, it's a process. (damn you apple and your shiny, appealing products. and damn you cult company who made me drink the blue kool-aid for four years.)

we have horses and chickens and bunnies and cats and bees. and one end of a beautiful lake. we've planted cider apple trees and 15 rows of potatoes. we have a big kitchen garden and want to live a more sustainable life, knowing where our food has come from and how it's been treated. but that too is a process. i share a bit of it here.

i struggle and laugh and love and try to make sense of the danes. i am trying to be involved in my community. i don't travel as much as i used to. i miss that a little bit. but i want different things now - to open a little posh bed and breakfast, to have a rustic office space in the back garden, to hold creativity weekends where people can get back in touch with themselves and their creativity. husband, he just bought equipment for a sawmill, so he clearly wants something new as well. oddly, with all these things we want, we are also feeling quite content with how things are right here and now.

this blog is where i work out what i think about things. after all, blogging is cheaper than therapy.

hello friday evening

it's been a busy week, but a very good one. and i don't know about you, but i'm tired. and so is phineas. so we'll just wish you a good weekend for now.

tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies

what is up with people? why do we constantly tell little white lies? and especially why do we tell little lies that people can easily check (sometimes just with their common sense) and know that they're not true? i do it myself. sometimes it's to protect someone's feelings, or to avoid telling a longer version of the story, because it seems like the truth won't really do any good or to protect myself and my own ego. but what seems to be common to all these little white lies is that some fear or other underlies them. fear of hurting someone, fear of rejection, fear of judgement, fear of inadequacy. you might say that little white lies are the key to the construction of our identity.

but what does it mean to have an identity that's full of little lies? the more i think about it, the more i think it's a bad thing.

just to take an example from my own life. when i left the board of the riding club a couple of months ago, i gave the excuse that i felt i was too busy getting my new business up and running and that i didn't have the time and energy to devote to it. while that was the truth, there was more to it than that. i could have easily found time and energy for it, even in the midst of my new business, if i felt that i was listened to and  respected and if i felt that everyone else who was involved was professional and knowledgeable. but the truth was, i thought that the chairman was plain and simple a fool - unprofessional and making the club look bad every time he opened his mouth or posted one of his misspelled missives on the club website. i disagreed with how he treated the kids in the club (shouting at them and threatening them) and how he allowed the club horses to be treated by one of the instructors. i didn't like that no one ever even said a simple thank you when i purchased a pony for the club's use. and then when that pony was mistreated, it was too much for me.  so i took my pony home and i left the board and in doing so, i only told part of the truth.  because i thought telling the whole truth of why i was leaving wouldn't do any good. i decided on behalf of these people that they wouldn't get anything out of knowing the truth.

and i've been so mad at myself ever since. it makes me uncomfortable every time i'm there and see those people - because i still harbor ill feelings that i didn't get the chance to clear out. and i perhaps also did them a disservice by not telling the truth and letting them learn from it or do with it whatever they would. i took away their chance to react and learn. so my little white lie - or more my half-truth, actually ended up negating everyone's chance to grow, including my own.

i'm going to really make an effort  to curb the totally unnecessary white lies (i'm a consultant, sorry, i can't do away with all of them) - especially the ones that make me feel bad in the long run.

what white lies do you tell? and how does it make you feel?

* * *

these introspective posts are part of a really great project that i'm working on. 

it has to do with this.

and i will tell you more about it soon.

confronting your inner demons

apparently studies suggest that up to 80% of our actions are driven by fear. that's a pretty scary thought. and it's no wonder so many people go down with stress. and if it's that high (i do need to check these studies myself), we're obviously driven by fear without even realizing it. i wonder if they count eating as fear-driven? fear of starvation causes us to make dinner night after night.

i'm trying to tune into that fear a bit more these days - especially where my reactions are concerned. and i'm realizing along the way how DAMAGED we are by the corporations we've worked for (and by we i mean me, but i'm absolutely certain i'm not alone). the way that companies work today is very bad for us - blame cultures, management-by-fear, competition within teams, even bonus-based systems - it's making monsters of all of us. and i'm a bit frightened by how easily those habits i learned in a corporate setting kick in as soon as i'm pressed.

i know, i know, i've written about this before, but it continues to be a struggle. a struggle to be a kinder, gentler person, while still being strong and competent and very good at what i do. and wondering sometimes how on earth to balance those things? why does being good at something so often have to equal arrogance and haughtiness? i don't want to be that way anymore. so i guess i've got to get to the bottom of those fears. but that's also a process. possibly one that will take years.  but they say recognizing the issue is the first step. (why do they never talk about the second, third and fourth steps? i think they're the hardest.) so i guess i'll keep taking these steps, baby-sized as they are.

it's not easy to shift your paradigms, but watching this the other day helped my thinking about it. of course, it's a TED talk. thanks elizabeth for sharing it.

wordless wednesday: you have to make your own luck