Friday, February 05, 2010
blast from the past
social media. i'm not sure what i think. recently, my sister was lamenting her facebook, because a lot of random people that she knew had all met one another, via comments on her status updates, and were now planning a reunion next summer. i pointed out that it wasn't really a reunion since they'd never met in real life, but that's beside the point. the point being that social media is a bit worrying.
me, i've been on facebook for several years, but only recently opened myself up to being friends with people from this bloggy world. otherwise, my friends were mostly work colleagues and friends here in denmark, plus a few family members. i had intentionally hidden myself from searches and didn't want to be found by the old gang from school or even college. i'm friends with a couple of people from college, but they're people i'd kept in touch with anyway over the years. but this week, via my sister, an old classmate from high school (and grade school for that matter) found me and "friended" me. and i felt like it would be too mean to ignore it or turn it down. so i accepted. and then two more old classmates friended me right after. and i'll admit that i also sent a friend request to one, based on seeing her name on the first classmate's wall.
i admitted to the first classmate that i had intentionally hidden myself and we exchanged some chat about reunions and such. i haven't attended any (and this year is 25 years! how did we get so old?) and neither had she. i hadn't given much thought as to why i didn't want to reconnect with all those people, but i knew it had to do with one of them calling me "miss king bitch shit" to my face on the day of our senior tea. i think i'm still a little bit bitter about that, because it came so much from left field. you can accept such a thing if you can see it coming, but in all honesty, i didn't. to this day, i don't know what i did to deserve that, tho' i have had moments in the years since of trying to live up to that grand appellation.
what's interesting and nothing whatsoever to do with the woman who reconnected with me, is how i feel about this whole thing. i've been totally transported to that time--the awkwardness, the adolescent insecurities, cringing thoughts of an awful mullet and the truly vile mint green and lilac argyle sweater vest i wore in my senior pictures. you become in some sense that embarrassing person that you were then, with all your hickishness. and it's really quite painful and awkward all over again. and i guess i knew on some level it would be that way and that's why i wanted to stay hidden and why i didn't go to any of those reunions.
i've come a long way since then, but the fact that i can be pushed right back there with the press of the "send" button is worrying to say the least. i think i never went to the reunions because i didn't want to feel like an alien landing from another planet. the judgments of how i dress and speak now and what i do with my life (or don't do), my politics, my education, everything. subject to judgement once again, just like in that small town, with all the scrutiny. and don't even get me started on the religiousness. and the right wing politics.
nope, please keep me hidden, oh gods of social media, so i can continue to be who i am now and not who i was...miss king bitch shit or not....