Monday, May 11, 2009

i survived!

picture just meant to be a calming influence on my psyche
i love lilacs.
they're my favorite flower.

today was the day that i had to conduct an interview at my former place of employment. it's a very austere place. cold. formal. old-fashioned. and i'll admit i was shit scared a bit apprehensive about going back there. it was a place that was downright bad for my health and i was worried that setting foot in there again would set me back months in getting over it and that it might require building a second story on the studio to make it ok again.  but you know what? i was wrong. totally and completely wrong.

and it's partly because of a conversation i had with a friend last friday (HUGE thank you H!). she and i are doing an art show together in october and we got together to talk about that. she actually works at that place now (in a totally different department) and we talked about it. and i told her about my fears and my need to psyche up to go there. she said, "you're afraid of meeting your old self when you go in there. but it's not going to happen. you're a totally different person now." and she was so right. it was like her words just totally clicked into place with me and i haven't been worried about it since. she was right. there was no danger for me there, no matter the cold, marble surfaces. there wasn't anything there that could hurt me anymore.

it helped that the receptionist remembered me and was kind and welcoming. it helped that i saw a bunch of faces i knew and they lit up and greeted me warmly when they saw me (all but one the big introvert boss who stuttered a bit when i greeted him cheerfully--and admittedly it was nice to see him a bit squirmy, so that was also a good thing). it was even ok that the meeting room was one i had been in countless times.

and the interview was great. they were engaged and interested and i learned something and got great information for my story. i can tell that big changes are afoot and that it's a good thing. it's a different place than it was when i left a year and a half ago and i'm a different person too. and both are good. and it's such a relief. they say you can't go back and i can understand that. but sometimes, maybe you should go back, just to prove yourself that it's safe and you're healed.

afterwards, i had lunch with a very good friend and she had plenty of time, so we talked for almost three hours. and that was so great. we gossiped, we theorized (more about that later), we talked about books, we watched a very weird man in a BMW (i'll blog about that later when i can download from my phone camera) and we laughed and had great food and a latte. and now, i'm in the lounge again, waiting to fly on to a new place and new adventures. and that's as it should be. just another manic monday.

13 comments:

Extranjera said...

Standing ovation. Will you now get the dragon stuffed? I would.

Kamana said...

well done for surviving. things are seldom as bad as they first seem to be.

Char said...

what's that old saying about worry - it is seldom as much as you think it will be along with some stat.

glad it went well

Cyndy said...

Recently had similar encounters and could feel your anxiety. I, too, survived, but your friends "old self" epiphany really helpful to put things into perspective. Happy travels!

An Open Heart said...

I hear ya....going back sucks....but, as your friend said, usually it's because we are afraid of running into that old self we used to be. It is so affirming, though, when you go back and find that you have moved on and that what was, is gone and has no power over you anymore. Congrats! Sounds like a thing to celebrate!
S;-)

The Fragrant Muse said...

Did it ever occur to you that they are all insanely envious of you?
Not only are you unshackled from that toxic work environment, but you've grown and flourished in your independence. Kudos!

B said...

I'm so happy for you. Good that you're completely over it! Hurray for this Julie!

bearer of three said...

GOING BACK LOOKING BACK BEING BACK SUCKS BIG TIME BUT YOU DID IT ITS OVER AND NOW YOU CAN MOVE ON...AND IM SURE IT FELT GREAT BEING WITH YOUR FRIEND AND TALKING FOR HOURS WHEN YOU ARE HAVING A GREAT TIME, TIME LITERALLY FLIES...

Writer Lady said...

There is nothing more exhilerating than facing a fear and winning over it. Congratulations. You are free of that one now.

Seaside Girl said...

Well done and you didn't even need to wear the tiara.

Just Jules said...

you can go back if you are strong. fabulous for you. Especially the great lunch - why is everyone in too big of a hurry around here to enjoy that sort of time - plus the waiter would have kicked you out long before 3 hours was up!

love lilacs too!
~J

SE'LAH... said...

Glad you survived.

Great Lilac photo too.

Love your blog.

molly said...

i absolutely believe you can go back ... and i'm glad to hear you once had a job you didn't much like, now that you're in one you love. good for you.