1. so what are you in for?
Well, my first crime was I was born and I was framed. Two people, who I didn't know at the time, are the ones, you know, responsible for making me who I am. Then I did some kid stuff and I did too much fast talking and I had to wear a blue uniform and do time in a parochial school. As I remember it, I did 6 years. There was a lot of broken wood rulers and notes sent to those two people I previously mentioned. Later, after doing another 6 years of retraining I was released with some kind of certificate and a square hat and told to find a job. I had no money so I hung around some people my age, found a woman, fell in love and we got married. Now, I do dishes, rake leaves and I don't mix pink things with white things in the laundry ... I'm tellin' you, it's real harsh. Like a book, it’s one sentence after another.
2. any chance of parole?
Nah, she’s for real and we made a deal, it’s a life sentence and then some.
3. who gets to bunk with martha?
If I get the top bunk that’s OK. If not, and Martha wants the top bunk, I’ll be tough and tell her to go to the kitchen and whip up some chicken tacos or those little crackers with god-knows-what on them. And, to bring me back a Coke, not a Pepsi.
4. where i live, minimum security means you get to sleep in your own bed, is that true there?
No. I have to share it with the wife. And sometimes a real big dog puts his head on the bed and watches me sleep. Some guard dog, huh?
5. what do you miss most from the outside?
Trains and big windows. Orange juice not Tang. Clean white socks, private showers and potato chips that aren't tiny pieces. And maybe skipping on the bloodhounds and sleeping under the stars in the High Sierras.
6. if you had to order a last meal (which of course i hope you don't), what would it consist of?
Last meal? First, can I have some cocktail weenies with catsup? Maybe a New York style pretzel with plenty of mustard. Ooh, garlic fries also sound good. After that, I’d say something Italian, Mexican, Thai and Chinese and about 72 courses long. Each with a different micro brew.
7. have you atoned for your crime(s)?
That’s a good one. I’m still paying for those two kids we had.
8. were you on wall street by chance?
Where’s Wall Street? I once knew a Harvey Wallbanger and I've been to Wall Drug (which you also know).
9. or a member of the bush administration?
I kinda like bushes. There good to hide behind and some have smelly flowers (which confuse the bloodhounds).
10. any chance of conjugal visits?
I had think about that for a minute. The answer is, yes. Then again, who are we talking about that's visiting? If it’s Martha, then no. Now I think Crazy Ike and Raoul want to talk with you.
* * *
thank you bill for injecting some well-needed humor into this whole endeavor.