Wednesday, November 19, 2008

for about 5 minutes...

...we were going to have a tail-ender. a little sweet person with tiny little feet to keep us young for years to come. it was a bit of a shock at our advanced ages (me 41, husband 43), but we were adjusting to the notion in our heads. and we were quite excited about it, we do after all know what we're doing now. it was just barely soon enough to tell, but the test didn't lie. and then, last night, i woke up feeling all crampy and realized that it was not to be. that's really disheartening.

it takes my breath away how quickly you can get your brain used to a shocking idea. and how quickly you can come to count on it. we were making all sorts of plans in our heads...arrangement of rooms in the house, what to do about the high chair and baby bed we just gave away, thinking we'd never need them, the notion that it was husband's last chance for a boy (him being really outnumbered by girls at our house), even names were tossed around.

yes, the timing was dumb. yes, we're old. yes, we'd be REALLY old by the time the child left the nest. and yes, these things likely happen because there's something wrong, so it's probably for the best. and my inner fatalist presbyterian knows that. but we liked the idea. and now it's not to be. and i feel sad. i think it's going to take longer than five minutes to get past this.

13 comments:

Amanda said...

Oh Julie...how happy and sad at the same time. I miscarried with my first pregnancy and I so understand how quickly the excitement gets planted in your brain. I am afraid that it will indeed take more than 5 minutes to get over it.

So...will you try for one now that the idea is there?

Iris said...

I'm so sorry to hear this and I'm shedding a few tears for you. My best friend who is really like a sister to me recently lost all three of her triplets at 5 months pregnant. We're all still trying to recover from that blow so lost babies are still (and probably will be for a while) a tear-jerker. I hope you're doing okay physically and mentally considering the circumstances.

marymurtz said...

Oh...............I'm so sorry.
My mother was 41 when my younger sister was born. She was the delight of my mother's advancing age.

I hope everything turns out okay. Maybe that hope and anticipation means a green light to plan on another try? If not, that's understandable, too.

Thinking of you...

smith kaich jones said...

Julie - So so sorry to hear this. Take care of yourself.

Debi

tangobaby said...

Oh honey. I wish I was there to make you a cup of tea and give you a hug.

I can't imagine the little sparks of love and dreams that must have come from this possibility. I know it's sad right now and I hope you know we're here for you.

Sending you lots of kisses,

j

Molly said...

:-(
sorry love

Barb said...

Julie, I am so sorry. Take your time to grieve this loss. Whether 6 weeks or 6 months this child was part of you, so mourn that loss and them look up to the new star that appeared in the sky for your child. Love & hugs Barb xoxo

Brenda@View From The Pines said...

I'm so sorry. My husband is a doctor and says yes, these things likely happen due to problems with the fetus. I know that doesn't make you feel any better right now. My 33 year old daughter had a miscarriage about a year ago. But she got pregnant and I am having my first granddaughter in less than a month. So if you still want to, there's always hope. She's turning 34 in a week, and I feel for her. I had mine at 17 and 21!
Brenda

Del said...

I just read your blog tonight and I am sorry for you and your husband's loss. It will take time to get past this and I know you will have lots of support and love from your family and friends.

hele said...

My heart aches for you. Sending much love*

Gwen said...

I'm so sorry, Julie. It's strange how quickly we become attached to the things we didn't even know we really wanted.

Melissa said...

oh, i'm so sorry, julie. i know how that feels. sending you warm thoughts. x

Andi said...

I'm so sorry to hear this Julie. It sounds like you have a great attitude about the whole thing, but I know that doesn't make it any easier. Big hugs for you.