guarding my energy

as they always say in the nytimes cooking facebook group - a kitten for the algorithm

the older i get, the more i feel aware of my energy and how the people i am around affect it. especially in these times when we're not around people all that much, it becomes much more apparent who gives you energy and who doesn't. and i find my lifelong desire to be part of a group (who doesn't have that?) at odds with whether or not that group gives me energy. and as i sit here on a zoom with one of those groups, i can tell you that it does not give me energy and in fact, i feel it draining what energy i had left at the end of a long and very busy day. and i am going to have to put aside my desire to belong and protect myself and my energy. my energy is more important than being part of a group. i don't think i've been very good at that equation for most of my life - too often choosing to persevere and go for the belonging, so it's high time i started listening to myself and my needs.

and now it's over and i have an overwhelming urge to cry. the pettiness and the snark. i just can't take it from people anymore. i think these times have left me feeling raw and even a little bit broken. i don't have anything in common with several of these people. they don't give me anything, least of all energy and frankly not even just general kindness. i have to not second guess the feeling in my heart that it's simply not worth it. and the ones in the group who i do like, i can still like them without being on this board. the snarky, energy leeches take too much. 

in these strange times, we need people who give us kindness and creativity and energy and we need to stay as far away as we can from those who don't. it's really that simple. maybe that's the good thing about this time we're living in, it has given me a lot of time to consider what's important and who deserves my time and energy. damn, i want my two hours back.

wherein she overuses the word "energy"

choosing your path

such an awesome day. i went to a place where i know there is truly bad energy palpable in the very air. in fact, it was actually proven by a strange phenomenon as i approached...it was a sunny and gorgeous morning. several times along the way, i wished i had time to stop and snap a photo or two, the light was so beautiful, glowing golden green on the fields. but as i approached my destination, a heavy, grey fog settled over the very buildings themselves. the bad energy inside seemingly manifesting as an actual weather phenomenon outside. quite extraordinary.

but i was in a good place (thanks to my week of positivity) and took my positive energy inside with me, honestly feeling no apprehension about it, despite knowing what i knew about the place. and i was able to keep it all day, even tho' there were times when it flagged somewhat (hungry will do that to anyone). it helped that i was working with someone who definitely gives me positive energy. and even at the end of the day, i felt great. instead of being tired and finished, i had all of the energy i needed to change clothes and jump on my bike and go meet sabin, who was biking home. we found a sad, lost kitty in the forest along the way (and brought her home in my bike basket). then we ate out in the garden, grilling a leisurely dinner and having a glass of wine and enjoying the gorgeous weather.

it helped that the topic of today's course was on written communication. as we know, i love that. but honestly, a big part today was that on sunday night i decided to have a great week. i don't want to go all new agey, but it seems that there is something to the power of positive thinking (and sunshine). and of working with people who give you energy instead of taking it away.

i must remember this. it seems to be a powerful thing and gives new meaning to the notion of renewable energy.

a to å challenge: e is for energy

this one was easy. i’ve had reason of late to ponder energy, as i’ve felt mine returning after too long a hiatus. and i’ve also thought about where energy comes from for me. it comes from having a job in which i travel. it also comes from having people around me who inspire me. people who take my ideas and have ideas of their own, which makes everyone’s ideas grow and multiply. it comes from meeting interesting people (see travel above), who give me new perspectives and new experiences. it gives me energy to be seen for who i am. for my talents to be recognised and utilised and respected and yes, even liked.

when energy returns to me, i have so much more to give to everyone and everything around me. i have energy to read, to listen, to engage, to be alone, to go to yoga, to contribute at work. i am more open, more engaged, more forgiving, kinder, more inspired. i am so much more who i want to be.

i don't want to be my job, but whether i like it or not, i'm much more energetic when i’m working at a job that gives me energy rather than taking it away. i’ve simply had too many jobs that robbed me of energy instead of giving it to me. but now, that i’m once again a place that charges my batteries, rather than depleting them, i hope that i will finally learn the lesson. i fought it for a long time, but perhaps here in the so-called first world, we are what we do for a living. but also so much more than that.

the zone

in my this girl post a couple of weeks ago, i mentioned the zone. it's the feeling that i get when everything is clicking, my energy is high, i'm wearing the right clothes, having a good hair day and i can actually SEE people around me being caught up in the sheer force of it. but as i said in that post, i have no control of it. i can tell when it's there, but i can't make it come. i wish i could, because i'm extremely convincing and i always get my way when i'm in the zone. that and actually seeing people be swept up in it are the best parts about it.

certain places are more sure to make it come than others. one of them was associated with my old place of work and one is actually where i work now. so it might have to do with good scandinavian architecture. but i also had moments of being in the zone long before i ever even imagined visiting scandinavia, so it's not only that. i was once totally in the zone on a train speeding through the macedonian countryside on a warm summer night. i have no idea what brought it on, but the train conductor (who was thankfully harmless) found it very compelling and kept lurking outside the coupé.

husband says at those moments that i'm "beaming life," and it was what attracted him to me, lo so many years ago when he was someone else's husband and frankly, i was someone else's wife (but i digress). but i think that what it comes down to is a sense of energy that can almost be seen.

i'm not actually sure how much it has to do with the people around me, but it would make sense that it has something to do with them. i don't know if it's so much that they make me enter the zone or that they prolong it once i'm there. i probably shouldn't actually overanalyze it too much, but you know me, i have to try to pick things apart and understand them.

mostly because i'd like to be able to control it. i'd like to be able to wake up and say, "i'm so gonna be in the zone today!"  but that's simply not how it works.

so i try to enjoy it when it happens. i watch the reactions of people who are hit by it full force. they sometimes have a slightly awed look, or they look like they've just had the wind knocked out of them. some of them try to play it cool and act as if they're in the zone themselves. but it's disarming. it might be why sometimes people tell me all kinds of things, things they wouldn't normally say. or they try to prolong the conversation, hoping that the energy will stay there so they can soak some of it in. or they just hover nearby, not entirely daring to say anything.

but when i'm in the zone, there's plenty of energy for all, so it's not like they're stealing it from me. it's kind of like those old doritos commercials where they said, "eat all you want, we'll make more," the energy is like that. the more people take it to themselves, the more there is. like an endless bright glow of energy. i found myself wanting to assign a color to it, but my mild sinaesthesia tells me that it's different colors all the time, depending on the situation, it's not just one color.

i suppose you can tell that i had one of those days today. i had so many ideas and i felt so excited about what i was doing and discovering (perhaps it's that that puts me in the zone in the first place). the very somber, but sweet man who sits across from me, calculating energy curves and the wave effects on paint coating and how much CO2 it saves if you sail at a certain speed, was knocked quite visibly off-balance, but you could see that it was in a good way. and that he didn't want it to stop. and neither did i.

do any of you know what i mean? and how would you describe that feeling? the zone is just the words i've assigned to it. i've also heard it described as being in flow. what do you call it when you feel it, because i think we all feel it on occasion.

oh well, i'll stop obsessing now and just be grateful for it when it comes.

sigh...some days just steal your energy

i love when the canola fields are at peak buzz - a yellow so vibrant it almost hurts your eyes, making them feel like they're buzzing, even on a cloudy day. it's even more intense when the sun shines. i ended up taking some back roads today, trying to get to a meeting on time in a town that's not exactly on my usual route. 

it's been a very busy time at work. the kind where you have so much to do that your tasks - done and undone, invade your dreams. the nearly penultimate step of a big project came today and somehow that's always a bit of a letdown. you've been pushing towards a deadline, making it, then it comes and happens and the wind is taken a little bit out of your sails. and you can't even really feel happy about it because it's not quite finished yet, just a big milestone was reached, but there still another stretch to go. 

plus, i didn't sleep all that well last night, knowing i'd have to get up early to make it to the office in time for today's big presentation. so in all, it was the kind of day that just steals your energy. 

it wasn't helped at all by having to rush to a board meeting that was timed perfectly so that i got to enjoy the worst rush hour traffic in three cities along the way. at least i had a good podcast to listen to and those back roads with their gorgeous yellow fields. i made it, about 10 minutes late. we toured another creative group's ceramics workshop at their local kulturhus, as we'd like to have one in ours and we wanted to see how they had set it all up. that part was inspiring and it's not so far away that i couldn't go down there are do some ceramics once in awhile, though preferably not at 5 p.m. on a work day. 

but then we had our actual board meeting and it was especially energy-draining. maybe because my energy was already low and i didn't have much left. there's one member who especially sapped what energy i had left. first, with a too long (though probably actually short) discussion of whether everything we post on instagram has to be posted identically on facebook) - i do not think so. they are two different platforms. and while i agree that if it's something with a sign-up date that everyone needs to know about it, it should go on both platforms, a reel on instagram and a carousel post on facebook should be fine. they don't need to be identical. 

then she ended the meeting with a petulant diatribe about how i bought too many beers the night we hung up our exhibition. when i was reluctantly sent to buy the beers for everyone, there were 14 people there helping, so i bought 22 beers/hard seltzers. one of them was a 12 pack of mini rosé wheat beers, which she thought were weird. they weren't all used that evening, but we agreed we would sell them at our exhibition the next day. then no one put them out and so they weren't sold and she was mad about that, so i agreed that i would go get them and pay creagive back. and perhaps all that was fair enough, but it was presented in such a judging, whiny and petty way that it just drained what little energy i had left. it really makes me wonder if i even want to be on the board at all anymore. i can participate without being on the board. and if not now, when will i ever learn to protect my own energy when i can. 

protective energy

most amazing experience today. we had an open house in our atelier at the top of the library. the purpose was to show the community the kinds of things we do in our little creative group and hopefully gain some new members. i hadn't seen a certain member since the day she screamed at me and drove off. i didn't see her come in and only realized she was there when i heard her voice behind me. i said, "hello, nice to see you," as i walked past. but i'll admit i felt nervous about her being there. she awkwardly stammered back a hello. 

i went downstairs with my good friend and told her that i felt nervous. she said, you have to protect yourself with some good energy before you go back upstairs. she tried to guide me to do it. she told me to picture a calming blue light, starting at my head and enveloping me. i closed my eyes and tried. the only light that would come was orange. then she stood in front of me, warmed her hands and raised them above my head. as soon as her hands were there, the light turned from orange to a rich, dark blue. then she proceeded to draw a line of protection around me. i could feel prickles of energy, though she didn't touch me. i got all goosebumps. and i really could see that rich, blue light enveloping me. then she gave me a big hug and told me she loved me. it was amazing and though i know it sounds completely woo woo, i really felt protected. 

back upstairs, my nemesis sat near me and i could feel waves of bad energy coming from her. and i swear i could almost see my protective energy field pushing them away, protecting me from them. i found myself smiling and feeling calm and happy. it was mind-blowing. and it felt absolutely amazing. 

she left early. maybe she could feel her bad energy being pushed back at her. i still feel sorry for her. she's still clearly in a bad place and it hasn't gotten better. i really hope she gets some help.

i think everyone left in a good mood, feeling great for having being creative together for a few hours. we definitely need to do more of these sessions. 

from whence surplus?

i had a long conversation last night about that whole concept of overskudsmennesker (surplus people) and underskudsmennesker (deficit people) that i believe i've mentioned here before. those words are so wonderful and packed with meaning in danish, meaning that's not contained in the literal translation, nor in any more metaphorical one i can come up with. even tho' we lack a word for it, i know you know people in both categories.

overskudsmennesker are largely positive. they have time for things. they are creative and their actions reflect both an open mind and a big heart. they're able to see situations from all sides. they are good at having an overview. when someone presents an idea, they run with it and expand on it, instead of shutting it down or making fun of it.

underskudsmennesker, as you might imagine, are the opposite. they have something negative to say about everything. they aren't open to new ideas and they often are critical naysayers in the face of other people's ideas. they're the ones who you'll hear say, "we tried that before and it didn't work." they are often utterly unable to see a situation from another perspective.

i know i show traits of both at times, because i don't think that anyone is ever always on top of things. we all go up and down, depending on our energy levels. but i've come to think that once again, whether you are generally in surplus has a lot to do with social capital (i know, i'm always bringing it back to that, but i think bourdieu was right). do your background, education, upbringing and situation equip you to deal positively with the world or not? do they enable you to see the big picture? i think for many, the answer is no and it means they wallow in their own perspective and their own negativity, never lifting their head above the horizon to really look at things. never having the surplus to do so.

i don't mean to say that you have to be educated to be happy (tho' somewhere inside i probably do believe that to an extent), but that you need to be equipped with a broad way of looking at things in order to see situations for what they are and not get bogged down in some minute and unimportant detail. one that drains your energy and the energy of those around you.

another thing i've noticed is that when you have many passionate people involved in something, those passions will clash and result in a disturbing draining of energy that leaves everyone feeling like an underskudsmennesker, at least at that moment. great passions are energy dynamos, but that means that they are also energy drains. and sometimes we're so caught up in them we can't see that we crossed the line from surplus to deficit.

wine and clinton make everything better

my breakfast - doesn't really have anything to do with the post, i just thought it looked pretty.

i've mentioned it before, but i just want to say that it's really true that if you come yourself with positive energy, it can have an enormous effect on a situation and your experience with other people. i am also fully aware that this is easier said than done.

last night, i was dreading my meeting after my previous encounter with the troglodyte at the helm of the group. i had tried to speak to him a week later at another meeting and his response to my saying that i found his name-calling unacceptable and would appreciate that he refrain in the future was "kom an" or "bring it on."(hence my blatant calling him a troglodyte - i figure if it's ok for him to call me names, i can do it too.)  i will admit i was quite in despair that anything would ever get better. but i reminded myself that i had as much right to be part of the group as he did and that i wouldn't let my fear of his bad behavior keep me from showing up and contributing.

and then i had a glass of wine.

and i watched the daily show. and it was the one from last week, where my boyfriend jon stewart talked about my boyfriend clinton's speech at the DNC. and it put me in a positively euphoric mood. and although it made me a few minutes late for the meeting (i couldn't leave jon and clinton alone here at my house when they had been so kind as to come by), it changed everything.

my positive energy filled the room and affected some of the others as well - bowled them over a little bit, actually. and we had a great meeting wherein a lot of people had their say and expressed opinions similar to mine about how we need to involve the community to get buy-in for the project. and the troglodyte sat at the head of the table, sour puss expression on his face, and his energy was no longer allowed to pervade the group, because it had been replaced with positive energy. i won't even say my energy, because mine only started it and then it snowballed and became the positive energy of everyone in the room.

so the lesson here: a little alcohol and politics really can change the world.

or at least my little corner of it.

~  *  ~

i know that it's september 11, but i really can't join in the memorial cavalcade of posts. tho' that day changed the whole world and we are still reeling from the repercussions, it feels quite remote and in some sense always has. because it did happen at a physical distance from me in my safe, comfy life in denmark. and i didn't know anyone who was involved or injured or killed there that day. i've never even been in new york. which isn't to say that i don't, in my own way, mourn the tragedy of those lost lives, it's just that it was and remains somehow very far away from me.

the evening it happened, we drifted, together with friends, to the american embassy, where others had also gathered in some unspoken agreement and we stood there together in stunned silence, many of us holding candles. someone began to sing a haunting song (i don't remember which one) a capella. it was a welling up of solidarity that came naturally as a response to the tragedy.  sadly, looking at the world, i'd say it's dissipated greatly today. so that's all i have to say about september 11.

manifesting and reverberating

i keep reading about this reverb10 thing around the blogosphere. and while i'm not much of a groupie (oh please, who am i kidding?), i'm really enjoying the stories i've seen here and there and everywhere. and as we know (perhaps all too well), i'm a reflective sort of a person and i'm definitely up for some manifesting of 2011. after all, writing is the new praying (a concept i feel a bit like i lost sight of as 2010 progressed).

so, since's already dec. 7, i think i'll do a quick catch up all-in-one post.

dec. 1 - one word: as we well know, one word is a bit difficult for me. i'm a wordy one. and i hate choosing or committing myself to but one thing. you see, i like LOTS of words - challenge, beauty, peace, mindfulness, sophistication, travel, create, meditate. but if i think about what one word marked 2010 it would have to be change. we changed our home, our jobs, our entire lifestyle. 2010 has been all about change - changes we chose, but changes that were at times difficult nonetheless. if you'd asked me at the beginning of 2010, i would have said i wanted it to be about creativity, but i'm afraid it wasn't that. not nearly enough. and if i think towards 2011 and what i'd like to have it be about, it would have to be daring. i want to dare in 2011.

dec. 2 - writing: "what do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?" what gets in the way of my writing is that i drain my energy on things i shouldn't drain it on. but as of today (dec. 7), the main energy drain has been jettisoned, so i expect that to change already now in 2010. and i can't WAIT to see what happens in 2011 with my writing (and everything else) now that my energy is my own again.

dec. 3 - moment: "pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year." it was a perfectly gorgeous long midsummer evening. the light stayed around 'til almost midnight. the three of us - husband, sabin and i - walked down to our lake, which was as smooth as glass in the golden evening light. the reeds and iris along the edges, whispering in the occasional very slight, warm breeze. we launched our little old boat and paddled around, out to the gorgeous lilypads where i took photos to my heart's content while we laughed and talked together. tho' it was high summer and we were on water, there were no pesky mosquitos. it was just the most perfect, happy, golden evening, together with my two favorite people on the planet.

dec. 4 - wonder: i think a big contributor to my moments of wonder during 2010 has been my 365 photo project. the act of having to look around me and find something to photograph every single day often made me stop and notice my surroundings in way that i wouldn't normally have done if i weren't doing such an intentional project. i want to somehow carry that intentionality into 2011 (tho' maybe without being quite so slavish about it - and daring to take more photos in film only).

dec. 5 - let go: it was a year of much change and i sadly let go of our old house, my blue room and my red smeg. i also let go of a most beloved professor. but i think the worst thing i let go of this year was far too much of my energy and to causes that didn't deserve that essential part of me. that's going to change in 2011.

dec. 6 - make:  what is the last thing i made?  this relates to that energy above...i can't really think of what the last thing i made was and that concerns me. i sewed quite a bit for sabin in october and i made a christmasy centerpiece for the dining table with hyacinths yesterday, but i'm not sure that counts. i let that diminished energy make me less creative and that's precisely what i want to avoid in 2011. we're decorating a new bedroom for sabin for christmas and i'm going to start by making a cuddly quilt for her new room tomorrow when i get up.

dec. 7 - community:  where did i find community in 2010? i definitely found it in the BC365 project group on flickr.  and when we moved, we found community in the real world on our new road - nice and helpful neighbors with good stories to tell. i was fortunate to find community among some really wonderful people who i worked with in manila during november. and i can't forget the wonderful weekend at blog camp berlin. so community both in cyberspace and in my actual community. can't really ask more than that.

i think this reverb10 thing is going to be quite cathartic. would you like to play along too? imagine what we can all manifest in 2011 if we just write it all down? writing is the new praying. i'm not going to forget that again.

wind is the new oil

NOTE: this is a guest column written for my dad for a little weekly newspaper in the town where i grew up. dad owned the paper for 35 years before selling it a decade or so ago to the woman who had worked for him for most of those years. he still works there every day and writes a weekly column. this week, he ordered politely asked me to write it for him. i found myself having to write it here in this blogger compose space, in order for the words to flow, so i thought i'd share it with all of you as well. plus, i thought you'd all like to see that i am indeed capable of capital letters...

* * *

earth art from the COP15 meeting in copenhagen

Over the past year, my husband and I began to think about living a more environmentally responsible life. Last December, Copenhagen hosted the COP15 United Nations environment meeting and so for the past year, our newspapers have had an environmental slant to all of the stories. Although the meeting was a disappointment on a political front, we found that it had us thinking about ways we could, as individuals, do our part towards ensuring that the planet we leave to our daughter Sabin isn't a complete disaster.

One of the first things I did was leave a job I'd had for two years in Norway. I was flying to work on a bi-weekly basis from our home in Denmark and that just didn't seem like the most environmentally responsible thing to do, so I decided to get a job in the country where I lived. An opportunity arose for both my husband and I in a renewable energy company that manufactures wind turbines. That seemed to both of us like a good way to take action.

house with a 10-year plan

Taking the new jobs mean that we had to move across the country. Denmark is about the size of Wisconsin, so this move isn't as dramatic as it sounds. At the same time, we decided to follow our dream of getting a farmhouse with a bit of land where we could have a big garden and a few animals and although we have no desire to go completely self-sufficient, to be more self-sufficient than we are today. We found a place with an old and rather falling-down house that was built in 1895 that sits on about 11 acres of land. We have a ten-year plan for restoration of the house, but we are definitely in love with the property, which includes one end of a small lake.

our little corner of the lake

What it all means is that we have room for a big garden, where we can grow all kinds of our own vegetables and put them up, thereby eating a more locovore diet. We're going to have chickens and raise a couple of pigs as well, because it feels much better knowing where the eggs and bacon come from and what they were fed and knowing that they lived a good life. We live much closer to work than we did - only about 8 miles away. That means that my husband can bike and although I drive, it's much better on the environment than flying to work like I did for the past two years.

When we do our renovations, we're looking to use as many recycled materials as we can and to build in ways that make the house as energy-efficient as possible. We're researching having our own little 2-3KW wind turbine, with the intention of eventually going off the grid, or perhaps selling our excess energy back into it. We're finding that even though Denmark is very far ahead on the wind energy front (Vestas, a Danish company, is the world's #1 wind turbine producer (for now)), the legislation is lagging a bit behind as far as the individual consumer is concerned, but even that is changing.

near Charles City, Iowa

It's very encouraging to drive across Iowa and South Dakota and see big wind farms dotting the landscape. I know there's work to be done here on the infrastructure, but it's a good sign that the wind farms are being built. Today, 20% of the energy in Denmark is produced by wind farms, both on- and offshore and they have a goal of being 100% on renewable energy by 2030. It's my impression that in Denmark, there are more small wind installations -- of 2-3 turbines -- and it would be nice to see that coming here as well. A small town could put up 4-5 turbines and surely go a long way to producing the needed power. Of course, power in this area is already renewable hydro-electric power, so it's not as much of an issue here near the river. But we sure do have the wind for it around here.

It's interesting after a number of years in the maritime industry, where I learned quite a lot about the transport of fossil fuels (oil, LNG, LPG and other petroleum products), to come into the wind industry, which feels like there's a new gold rush going on. I keep saying wind is the new oil and there is definitely a cowboy mentality in the industry - a pioneering spirit of trying all sorts of innovative solutions (gearless turbines are a big one, and the sheer size of the turbines is another - our company's largest are 3.6 megawatts with 58-meter (190-foot) blades). There's a heady feeling that must have been there in the early days of the oil business and it's very interesting to be part of it.

another weekend winding down

i hosted another session about my photo project thru my local library. only a handful of people came, but it was wonderful and intimate and gave me loads of good energy that carried me through the rest of the weekend. i wonder what it is about this project - getting people to take pictures of life in our town over a year and then having an exhibition - that makes me feel patient? it's growing slowly, bit by bit, and yet i'm oddly content with the pace of it, which is rather out of character for me. i'm not really sure why, but i'm riding the waves of contentment it brings and trying to not really question it that much.

~ * ~

i think a lot about energy and have for some time. i guess it's the one thing for which i can thank my time in siemens. that place crushed my energy like no other and made me so much more aware of what (and more importantly, who) robs me of energy and what (who) gives it to me.

it's what i love about having my own company. i am fortunate to work with two people who complement me wonderfully - they're strong where i'm weak and vice versa - and the combination of the three of us, when we're really ON is quite magical and gives me loads of energy. what's wonderful is that that magic can happen both when we're conducting a workshop in person together and when we're writing on a shared document at a distance, so it's not limited to just one source. their ideas feed mine and i feel challenged and inspired. there's not really more you can ask (tho' a few more customers would be nice).

~ * ~

i'm rather between books at the moment - does anyone have any recommendations? (they don't have to be about cows, i just liked this photo.) i often feel that way after a bout of murakami. i tried to read arundhati roy's god of small things (i know, i'm behind the times on this one), but it didn't do it for me and i actually put it down, which i've almost never previously done with a novel. it wasn't the book, it was me. i came to it at the wrong time. maybe someday i'll try again. (i felt the same with life of pi.)

~ * ~

i picked two huge batches of elderberries today. my steam juicer has been hard at work and i've got 5-6 liters of juice to cook up with sugar and bottle in the morning. and more elderberries to pick. last year i made the mistake of only making one batch. husband says we need at least 20 bottles to have enough. elderberry cordial, mixed with hot water and a dash of something warming (rum? vodka?) on a cold, dark, blustery, late autumn/early winter day in denmark is just divine.

~ * ~

our horse massage therapist is awesome. she's physiotherapist and psychotherapist all rolled into one. tho' she's a bit odd in that way that only a person who lives in her camper van and travels around with her dog, massaging horses, can be, but she really knows people. and horses (of course). and we had an amazing session with her on friday. i say we, because it was just as therapeutic for sabin (and even me) as it was for the horse. total catharsis all around.

but the truth is, horse people are weird. many of them have this odd insecurity that they mask by seeming really, really authoritative and a bit arrogant. i let one make me think matilde had the strangles today. in reality, i think she was feeling a bit lethargic and did in fact have a bit of swollen lymph nodes due to her intense massage on friday. it surely released a whole load of toxins that her body is still processing. but i let this woman make me think the worst. i wonder if i'll ever learn not to let that happen.

~ * ~

why is it that i liked nigel slater so much better before i actually SAW some of his programs? his writing is divine and there are a handful of recipes from his real food cookbook that are in weekly rotation at our house, but somehow seeing him and hearing him has been a bit off-putting. and i can't really put my finger on why.

~ * ~

i haven't actually seen these ads on t.v. (my sister, in iowa, actually sent me the link), but i got a kick out of this danish ad which promotes taking the bus. you gotta love public transportation. and if you press the CC button, the subtitles in english will appear.

good energy in the air

calamity drone

my lego movie minifigure collection is nearly complete. i just have shakespeare and gail the girl construction worker to go. isn't calamity drone cute with her fabulous hat? and speaking of lego, my head is beginning to fill with all kinds of input. not a whole lot of ideas as of yet, but i think i have to put a whole lot in and learn a bit more before something comes out. starting a new job is both exciting and exhausting. but in a very good way. tho' i thought the waiting would kill me, it didn't, and perhaps all that waiting even contributes to my own openness and eagerness to enjoy the whole experience. my new colleagues are so welcoming and positive i'm finding good, creative energy all around. i learned with that bad, bad job (i'm talking about you siemens wind power) a few years ago exactly how important that is. if the energy in the place is wrong, it will never be right. and i can tell you that the energy is amazing. 

so many thoughts are swirling in my head that i can't quite wrestle them to the page as of yet, but they will come. and i haven't forgotten or abandoned my february project, i'm just not getting home in time to properly photograph in the good light (hurry up spring!), so i'll have to do a roundup this weekend.

it's going well with the vegetarian month - there's even a big variety of vegetarian food at work, so i don't even have to be tempted there! and i'm sticking with the no wine thing too. i realize we're only 4 days into the month, but so far so good. it's easy to stay motivated when you're feeling positively high with good energy and new experiences. we'll have to see how it goes when things settle down.

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love this story about the captain of the mary maersk.

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and this visualization of the internet as a world map.

the healing energy of a cube

i'm not generally a worrier. i can take things as they come as a general rule, but this time, with husband in ukraine, i'm having some anxiety. it's probably the world in general. the country of my birth is about to attack and take a territory of my chosen country by force, starting ww3, so it's no wonder. there's a shit ton of anxiety in the air, so i guess it's not rocket science that i'm feeling it more acutely this time.

i stopped by my friend emmy's to drop off some weaving supplies last evening after work and she offered to make a simple dinner of creamy mushrooms on toast and a lovely winter salad. i gratefully accepted. while she cooked, i sat on the cube that she got when we visited weaver hanne vedel's studio last year. i closed my eyes and felt the energy from this beautifully woven work flow into me. it felt like a comforting, warm blanket settling over me. 

emmy put on p8 jazz and i sat there and felt the hum of positive, calming energy coming from the cube and the whole atmosphere. i felt in touch with the calm, warm, powerful energy that hanne must have had as she wove the cloth that became this cube.  breathing in the delicious fragrance of the creamy mushrooms simmering, i closed my eyes and listened to the music. colors began to dance in front of my eyes and i could feel the anxiety fade. it wasn't gone, but it became manageable. it was just what i needed. 

i solemnly swear i am up to no good

i've taken to giving myself a weekly set of intentions. i write them on sunday night, occasionally adding to the list during the week, as i sit down to write a few lines outlining my day in my cool journal notebook. opposite the week's page, there's a blank page that's perfect for a little list of intentions. they're really a sort of note to myself, reminding me of how i want to approach the week. some items make the list every week. some are a bit cheesy, some strident and some a bit trite and tired, yet i seem to constantly need to be reminded of them. instead of just vaguebooking about them, i'll share this week's list:

~ carry the weekend's sunshine with me all week, no matter what the weather.
~ no obsessing over the small stuff.
~ no wasting energy in the wrong places, on the wrong people.
~ preserve my energy.
~ do activities which enhance energy.
~ spend time with interesting people who are doing amazing things.
~ learn something new.
~ read a book instead of my phone before bed.
~ work on things which make me tick; ignore (just for this week) those that do not.
~ see the possibilities.
~ stay in an authentic place.
~ stay curious. ask questions. listen, really listen.
~ take pictures with the real camera, even if you have to stop the car to do it.
~ try to see things from a different viewpoint.

i'm seldom very good at keeping these things in mind once the week unfolds. i fall right back into my old usual, judgy, sarcastic and pessimistic patterns, but i figure if i keep doing it, one day it's bound to stick. changing is hard, trusting is perilous, and going for the cynical laugh is just easier. but maybe this week, it'll stick - monday is over and i've spent time with people who are doing amazing things, spent most of the day doing an activity which enhanced my energy, been curious and asked questions (tho' i undoubtedly could have asked more) and i only obsessed over the small stuff a little bit. it would be easier to just take a page from harry potter and solemnly swear i'm up to no good. that's an intention for the week that i could keep. but i probably won't grow much if i do that, so instead, i keep putting these good thoughts out there and at least trying to follow them.

underskudsmenneske

some years ago i wrote about someone i had encountered who seemed to be an underskudsmenneske (deficit person). i just reread that long-ago post and realized that i have encountered another such person and her deficit came to a head tonight in the ugliest fashion. 

happily, i had had a very good day. i'm feeling happy with my projects at work, i had a really exciting conversation with an artist whose work i love, i learned a bit about making paper and spent a little bit of time at my favorite little museum, which has a magical, energy-giving atmosphere. that all left me feeling like an overskudsmenneske (surplus person). the last time i encountered her, my energy wasn't as high and i wrote about it here. 

this evening, i think that the energy i was beaming was too much for this poor underskudsmenneske. she cracked and became herself, age 8 (though honestly, that might be unfair to 8-year-olds). it was shocking to me, who was the target (she flung at me that i was a "bad person" before jumping in her car and driving away), and my two fellow board members, who were also right there. we all stood there gape-mouthed. i may have actually said, "what the fuck?" 

i feel sorry for her and i hope she actually gets the mental health care that she needs, she's clearly going through something and since my energy was good this evening, i know that it wasn't about me at all. and i'm pretty sure i'm not a bad person. and also, who could feel bad with a sunset like that?

energy leech

i spent the day in the company of an energy leech. you know the type. hyper, never stops talking, never stops offering unsolicited and unwanted opinions, never stops awkward attempts at what's supposed to be flattery, but widely misses the mark. your heart sinks from the moment you realize she's there, wondering why? why? why? and once again being utterly convinced that god must not exist, because if s/he did, s/he would never let this happen. like a black hole, sucking all of the good vibes, energy and positivity out of the room. perhaps that's not fair, because she is weirdly positive, aside from the snide remarks about how you're not taking the right norwegian fish oil and you probably should be (since it's apparently what's making her withstand chemo without feeling a thing (never mind that it probably gave her the cancer in the first place (but i digress. (oops, was that out loud?)))). and in the end, you can no longer see whether that grading is giving things a yellow or green or blue or purple tinge, because she has stolen every last bit of your energy. and did i mention that she never stops talking? and you miss yoga class because the edit runs two hours and fifteen minutes past the scheduled time (did i mention the incessant talking?) and so you stumble onto the street and rush to h&m to get new tights and pony tail holders and stop by sephora to check out rihanna's fenty line of highlighters to console yourself. and you get a golden milk (almond milk + turmeric) to fortify (in lieu of that carcinogenic fish oil), which turns out to be your dinner (by choice). and you wonder if you're too old for such things and if you can bill someone for time you'll never have back.

school is cool

sabin goes to a lovely old public school in the center of town. it's right across from the church and is comprised of solid old brick buildings. we like it a lot. her teacher, i've mentioned before, is a former long-time stewardess with SAS and rules the class of 20 second graders with the sure hand of a business class purser. they respect and like her very much.

the school has a general philosophy of working hard on socializing the children--no picking on the weak ones, speaking up if you're being picked on, doing activities that mix the kids up so they play with everyone and not just their best friends. it seems to work. on saturday, we observed sabin's best friend's class (he goes to a different school) and we could see a big difference--sabin's class is much more cohesive. a good teacher really matters and we are lucky sabin has that. the way it works here is that linda will follow the class all through their indskoling (in-schooling?) period, which i believe means through the third grade, so sabin has her at least one more year. it can be that she will follow them through the seventh grade, but that will be evaluated next year some time.

one of the very cool things about her class and her school is the outings they take. today, the class is going to copenhagen to a performance of fyrtøjet (the tinderbox)--a ballet based on a h.c. andersen story and with scenography and costumes by the danish queen. how cool is that? there are a few kids in sabin's class that i don't think would otherwise ever go to the royal theatre or see a performance that the queen was involved in. what a great experience and it's due to the initiative of sabin's teacher! we're really fortunate and happy that sabin has such a great teacher.

when sabin started kindergarden there was quite a lot of talk about resourcestærke forældre--parents strong in resources. that phrase has haunted me a little bit ever since i read it in a newsletter from the school. at first, i thought it was a rather cheeky comment about how much money people had, but it's not. it's more about how much energy you put into parenting. do you make a healthy, nutritious, exciting lunchbox for your child? does your child have the right books and her indoor shoes with her every day? does she do her homework? is her hair brushed? her teeth? are her clothes clean? does she have mittens with her? are her pencils sharpened? do her pens work? does she have those nice faber-castell colored pencils with the little bumplies on the side for a good grip? did she do her homework? does she get to school on time? do you spend hours and hours making her a fairy costume for the school play (and will you ever finish it)? do you make sure the child has good experiences that give her something to talk about when it's time to share what you did on your summer vacation? do you go to the pool with her on the weekend? do you read together? does she have a computer? a phone? a Wii? a DS? does she have all the accoutrements that it takes to be 8 years old and give you a feeling of belonging in today's world?

and i worry a bit about whether we're really very good at all of these things. her costume is half-finished and yes, she has the right stuff. her clothes are clean and she doesn't often have holes in her tights. husband is great at the homework side of things and making sure her bag contains the right books and sharpened pencils. he's steady at the lunch "packse," but she complains that his lunches are boring. because it gets boring and tough to come up with something exciting day in and day out. i stand there before it and admit it gets a little old, but it's something you simply have to find the energy for. and it's easier to find that energy when you know that the child loves school, has good friends and a good teacher.

so i think about finding that energy to be resourcestærke forældre and wonder if the goodness of school comes because we ARE that or if we are that because we think the school is good. which comes first? it's a circle, feeding itself, in a way.

and i do manage to get her to school on time, tho' very often i'm still in my pajamas when i run her over there. one day, i noticed that her reading book was lying on the stairs and i ran it over. i laughed to linda that i had to bring it over because we so wanted to be resourcestærke forældre. thankfully, linda assured me that we are. but i think it's something you have to work at constantly and the phrase itself really intimidates me. i'm just so insecure sometimes.

expectations will kick you every time

i am in need of a bit of wonder woman's fearlessness at the moment.

i put myself in a situation this evening which made me realize that i'm still feeling pretty wounded. i went with a friend to sing with a little countryside gospel choir. i went with high hopes to be energized and filled with happiness by soulful gospel music and i'm afraid that didn't happen. and to be honest, i didn't know that i expected that until it didn't happen. expectations can really ruin things.

it started with the usual round of shaking everyone's hand, which always wrong-foots me. it's an aspect of danish culture that i never really get used to or comfortable with. going around a room, shaking hands with strangers and saying your name is, in fact, a really good idea, but it makes me wildly uncomfortable, even after all these years. then, i ended up standing with my friend, who was standing with the sopranos. i'm an alto and was told, rather rudely, in my opinion, that i needed to go to the other side. we hadn't been singing in parts at the time and crossing the half circle, in front of everyone, after being rather summarily sent over there, felt like a statement on my singing ability. "get over there because i can't stand the sound of your voice next to me." it probably wasn't meant that way, but it definitely felt that way.  and it took me awhile to talk myself out of my prickly reaction. truthfully, i never fully shook it off, especially as it felt like the part of the circle i found myself in kept pushing me back and kept me a step out of it.

the songs we were singing didn't help. they were all unfamiliar, difficult arrangements and for the first one, we didn't have the music. i'm a music reader. i need to see the actual notes on the page, i don't do well just listening and humming along at first. and it wasn't like the others knew the songs either, they were new for all. and it wasn't the warm, familiar songs i had expected. see, there're those expectations again. they creep in, even when you don't even know they're there, spoiling the experience.

the second song should have been familiar (happy day), but it was a new arrangement that was very different and difficult. at least we had the music to look at, but with three parts - soprano, alto and tenor, and varying ability of those there to follow the sheet music, i felt bewildered at times, thinking i was the only one in the room reading the actual notes on the page and that all of the others were in on this alternative method of reading music that i didn't know about. leaving me once again feeling vulnerable and slightly rejected.

not what i wanted to feel at the gospel choir.

i wanted to enter a room of people who were open and warm, or who had been opened up and warmed through by the familiar, energizing gospel music of my cultural background (this was a reasonable expectation, right?). because although i am a midwestern white girl, i do know gospel music when i hear it. and i wanted to give myself over to that energy and soul and warmth. and it simply wasn't there in a little parish house in denmark full of middle aged white women and a couple of men. and i am undoubtedly a middle-aged white woman as well, so maybe i shouldn't talk. but, i think you can take the gospel out of the US, but you can't retain the soul of it so far from its origins, especially if you have danish composers creating their disjointed version of it. one song was seriously like four very different genres smooshed together into one and it was downright disorienting. again, not the energy and comfort i was looking for.

tonight, i was reminded that i am wounded and it made me sad. and left me with that old familiar mid-atlantic feeling. i'll grant that i would be too white trying to sing with a real gospel choir in the states, but i can't even fit in with one here. so i'm left alone, somewhere in between.

i don't know why in these moments that i can't summon the energy to dive in and sing along on the happy day solo part, giving some of the energy to the room that i was wishing it would give to me. i don't know where my confidence has gone. and i don't really know how to recover it.

my inner wonder woman, where are you when i need you?

in which she gets all excited about the wind

snapped at 7:43 this morning

i had the most amazing day. i attended a course today that was an introduction to the wind industry. a wind course in a place called middelfart (giggles), what more can you ask? and in the interest of learning something better yourself by passing it along, i have to share it with all of you. 

some facts about wind power:

~ there are 160,000 installed megawatts of wind power in the world (as of end 2009)

~ China supports their wind turbine producers by giving funding to every turbine produced (caring nothing about whether they're installed).  all of those pretty turbines dotting the landscape around Beijing for the Olympics? not in operation or hooked to a grid.  however, because of this government subsidy, china has three of the fastest growing wind turbine producers in the world and all three are in the top ten.

~ the blades are key...it all happens with the blades as the energy is "captured" there.

~ the blades are also the primary brakes on a wind turbine, but there are, of course, backup brake systems. however, it's best for the turbine to change the pitch on the blades in order to stop them.

~ the colder it is, the more megawatts you can access, tho' the loads are greater (meaning it's harder on your turbine).

~ turbines constantly adjust themselves to face the wind optimally. even being 5° off equals a 10% loss in production. since the wind is constantly changing, so is the turbine.

~ denmark has 3,408MW of installed turbines. (the US leads with 35,159MW). on an average day, that produces 20% of denmark's electricity needs (far higher percentage than any other country in the world) and on a windy night, it produces 150% of denmark's electricity needs, enabling the utility to sell further into the european grid.

~ the accessible energy in the wind for a 3.2MW wind turbine in optimal wind conditions at optimal temperature (15°C, 4000m2 area with wind at 11 meters per second) is 59% (with three blades on the turbine).

~ there are actually wind atlases.

~ wind is free. and endlessly renewable.

i have so many ideas bubbling. a day filled with inspiration and and energy mainlined into my brain was precisely what i needed.

i'll leave you with this....

and because i can't resist....this:

think different

there are so many stories in this picture. a tale of a lost captain, far from the sea. or a tale of a tidal wave. or the tale of a lake that dried up, leaving the boat stranded high and dry. being run aground - stories of tragedy and dashed dreams. but instead, i choose to see a story of hope - of faith that the water will come and the boat will float once again.

apple once urged us to think different (the grammar of that always bothered me). a combination of 21 days of meditating with oprah and chopra, months of butting my head against the troglodyte, and a general weariness brought on by the protracted delay of spring has me feeling a strong need to think different(ly).

kylie's thoughts on a support ecosystem, which i linked to the other day, via mel(who has taken the brave step of following her passion towards self-employment) have been tumbling around in my head. as have salman rushdie's musings in joseph anton on maintaining a sense of authentic identity in the face of (even self-chosen) exile. all of this makes being in my head a very confusing place. as rushdie says, 

the migrated self became, inevitably, heterogeneous instead of homogeneous, belonging to more than one place, multiple rather than singular, responding to more than one way of being, more than averagely mixed up. was it possible to be - to become good at being - not rootless, but multiply rooted? not to suffer from a loss of roots but to benefit from an excess of them? ... the self was both its origins and its journey.

so as a way of bringing together these fragments that have been circulating in my brain, i've been thinking about how to create a support ecosystem that will cushion the blows of rejection from the culture in which i find myself (by accident as well as choice) when they come (because they inevitably and regularly come).

i think the notion of a support ecosystem is powerful because it contains the feeling of being constantly in flux and adjusting, not static and precarious. i can add and subtract to achieve the sense of balance needed on a given day. one day i might be needing someone to lean on, the next, i may be the one being leaned on. but it's all a matter of interaction and giving (and taking) on all sides. of taking and giving courage and kindness and energy as needed.

and maybe it's not so much a support ecosystem as a cultural ecosystem - trying to retain the best aspects of my culture and meld them much more with the good bits of the culture where i find myself - weaving a more balanced sense of identity that's not so fragile to the blows when they come. because i have to stop feeling every disagreement as a rejection of me as a person and as the denial of my humanity that it currently feels like. i'm not exactly sure how i got to a place where that's what happens. all i know is that it requires too much energy to sustain it and i would much rather channel that energy creatively, into weaving something stronger for myself - identity, ecosystem, culture, life - whatever it be called.

so i'm going to begin to think differently - to look for the positive in every situation instead of defaulting to the negative story. it's undoubtedly a long and slow journey, and a lot of courage will be required along the way, but it seems like one that i need to take. one day soon, that boat will float.

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green cities: worth thinking about.